Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

I was married to my high school sweetheart for 17 years,he left me for his best friend's girlfriend and I was devastated.During the early"sneaking around"stage,I was left alone with my children for many a long night.He started coming home later n later,then not at all.About that time,I got a pc and started joining in on chatrooms.I became friends with this one particular man.We would talk about my failing marraige,the abuse,my kids...anything.He was always so sweet and supportive,the perfect friend.I soon leaned on him for everything.He gave great pep talks on self esteem(something that was really beaten down at the time)and when I started dating,after the separation was started,he would laugh or cry,with me over my sometimes ridiculous dates or funny stories.I met and became serious about one man,who he warned me about,but he never said"Told you so"when I fell flat on my face,two years later.I was very naive about men and valued his looking out for me.Well,after several years of being friends,one or the other of us always in some disasterous relationship...one night,after about 7 hours on the phone,I just blurted out"I LOVE YOU".I think it shocked me,more than him.He was my rock,my best friend...and I felt like I was in love for the first time.We live across the country from each other,so I went to see him,we spent a weekend together,which SEEMED wonderful...but when I returned home,he was standoffish,would make excuses to keep conversations short.I felt very used and discarded.I wrote a long,heartfelt email and he said I was being"dramatic"and he wanted nothing to do with that.He was acting cold and distant,and I just wanted to find out why.Well,I decided to just cut my losses and chalk it up to another sad life experience.We didn't talk for awhile.I missed him awful,but wasn't about to contact him.After months,I was miserable.My heart still loved him so much that I felt like I couldn't breathe.My friends said if he wanted me,he would contact me,but finally I broke down and called him.During this time,he had been suffering depression(I blamed myself)and lost custody of his kids to the state because he wasn't being very responsible.I felt terrible.He started saying he missed me and he needed someone in his life to help make his house a home so that he could get his boys back.I am the maternal type and thought that if I could show them the love and normalcy of a real family,that he and I would find our way back to each other.He asked me to move there to be with him,and help raise his kids.I was so excited,I would get the chance to show him the love that I had.Well,I sold my belongings,gave up my home and moved cross country,right before Christmas,to be with the man who professed to love me...only,when I got there,I was greeted at the bus station curtly and rushed along.I was treated like an employee and made to feel like it was ME against THEM when the boys were there.He had great kids,that I liked very much,but he excluded me whenever there was anything to do with them.Christmas day,they even holed up in the bedroom,to play video games instead of joining me for the dinner that I had prepared.Anyway...I saw that I was basically being treated like help,not as someone loved and appreciated...so I packed my bags and left...coming back home to start over with nothing but a bag of clothes and a broken heart.
It's been almost 6 months and I have gotten myself a cute little apartment,furnished it with second hand finds and actually made it quite a cozy little place.I am near to my three children,my new granddaughter and extended family but I find myself wondering how he is?Is he happy?I miss his advice,the funny conversations we used to have,his quick,sarcastic wit.We were GREAT friends...just not so great lovers.I always felt like he cared for me,but emotionally held back.What he considered drama,I considered living and loving and sharing.If I felt happy,I giggled,if I felt affectionate,I hugged...but he acted almost uncomfortable about it.I miss my friend,but hate that my"friend"became just another guy...taking what he wanted and not wanting more .My dilemma comes in that he will run cold then hot...he will pull away,then act like he wants me...which is totally confusing.As bad as it hurts my pride,I think that he was just looking for a free babysitter and dupe to take in and my heart was so full of him that I was taken in easily.But how do I get over him?Why do I,even now,want to run to the phone and call him?What can I do to seriously move on?I leaned on his for support for so long that I feel lost without him.
Posted on 05/16/08, 06:05 am