Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

If he had truely changed, stuck with the counseling, and not tried to control what I said in counseling, I would want to stay. I do love him, I just can not stay and be abuse any longer. I will not have our boys think that this is how they are supposed to treat their spouse.

If he had continued to treat me the way he was just after recieving the divorce papers, I would gladly stay. I would stay because I love him.

I just wish he loved me enough to stop abusing me. I just wish he loved me enough to go through the counseling, and anger management needed to make those changes for the long term. I know it is not easy to change the way you do things, but if you don't try then you will never succeed.

What do women want? We went to be treated with respect, love, compassion. We don't want to be the butt of jokes. We don't want to be the one that you unload all your stress on. Yes, talk to us, let us know what is going on, let us hold you and tell you everything is going to be ok. Understand we are people too, with feelings, needs, wants, dreams, goals. Learn what those are and do your best to support us through anything that comes up. We went love, equality, respect, compassion, understanding.

For you children, be the example of a true man. Show them that when you are wrong, you can admit it, you will take full responsiblity for it, and never blame it on someone else. Show them that a true man treats their family members better than they treat anyone else. A true man shows their love openly and honestly. Give the hugs for no reason, tell them you love them, just because. Tell them there is nothing they could ever do to diminish the love you have for them. Make them feel they are the most important people in the world. (that includes your wife)

Find a healthy outlet for your anger and frustrations somewhere away from your family, so they will never have to feel the hurt because you are having a rough day. Hold yourself to a higher standard.

There is no such thing as a perfect man. That being said, do what you can to make your family feel loved. If they feel loved, respected and invaluable then you will have it made.

I hope this helps

LOL, I was joking about the "perfect man thing". Nobody is perfect. As far as the anger thing, I don't think I have aproblem there. I don't get mad at her. I'm a little to relaxed that it seems like I don't care when she gets mad. But I do have a HUGE emotional problem. I don't show feelings. I usually swallow my feelings so I don't let anyone know when I'm scared, worried, upset, or anything. I only show my feelings when I'm alone. That's something I have to work on. BeckyK, I'm sorry to hear that. You kind of choked me up when you said you do love him. I didn't expect that. I bet he still doesn't see anything he did wrong. Its hard to see sometimes. I think I speak for most men, but we do things alot out of spite with out knowing. I wish it would have worked out for you. And thank you for your honest reply. Thank you all!!! I kind of like the replies!!! They are alot different than I expected.

Everything he did, everything he said is somehow always my fault.

Please go to counseling, if it is to learn how to express yourself better, then that is what you need.

I was on the recieving end of a lot of screaming, name calling, and just plain not being good enough. I am very hurt, and I think it is going to take me a very long time to get over that. I am going to counseling myself to work through this.

One thing I do know is I will not stay in this marriage any longer. I have given him millions of chances and this was his very last one and he blew it big time! No more! Enough!

I wish you and your wife the best, and I hope things work out for the best.

Tinman1,
We women want our husbands to share their hearts with us. Some men show more affection to the children than to the wives. No one is perfect but when you are a team, you are perfect to each other. Once I go through my healing process, I want a relationship where we don't drag each other down, but hold one another up.

my opinion...


communication

maybe show her what you wrote here?

and some professional advise for both of you.

http://youarenotcrazy.com/

lots of info here

goodluck

First, let me tell you what we are hearing with what you are saying.

You asked repeatedly for a divorce and now that you are about to get one you don't want it. All of us have jumped through numerous hoops to give our abusers exactly what they wanted only to be told that we did it wrong or they really didn't want it in the first place. When that happens we no longer know what to believe. It puts the lie the every word coming out of your mouth that follows it.

After an intimate morning you tell your wife that she can walk around naked and not get raped. What we heard was "you are so unattractive that even the availability of nakednes is unappealing."

You tell your daughter that she's too pretty to be your child. Rather obvious this one, you are questioning paternity and by extension your wife's fidelity.

You have stated repeatedly that a lot of your comments are said in fun and you never meant to hurt her. That you did not know how much you hurt her. That you are just a clown who likes to have fun...This speaks directly to a narcisism that tells us that you are only aware of your own feelings and no one elses. You really don't care about the impact of your words on another person.

You state that you don't blame anything on your wife, but telling us that she always misunderstands your statements tells us that this is exactly what you are doing. You are blaming her for not being able to read your mind. Your sarcastic tone doesn't help nor does the passive aggression of saying "just tell me what women want". In our previous abusive relationships once we even attempt a list like this we were told that we just didn't understand what our abusers meant, or how we were impossible to please or that it was all our own fault for them being the way they were.

Why would it suprise you that Becky loves her husband? Everyone of us loved our abusers at one time or another and most of us still have a soft spot somewhere for them, we just know better than to do anything about it. What you aren't hearing is Becky saying that she is planning on leaving him anyway. Trust me on this one, love does not conquer all.

What is probably the most telling thing is you saying that your wife doesn't need counseling. Yes she does. She has been living with a verbally abusive partner and she needs counseling whether you think so or not.

Tinman - all of us have heard our abusers tell us that they were going to change. My ex would tell me this, on his knees and in tears, after he had beaten me black and blue. After ever time he called me names, accused me of sleeping with every man within 50 miles, played headgames that even now, 8 years down the road, affect me. You want to know why we may or may not believe you? We have heard it before. Less than 3% of abusers actually stop abusing. And that takes years, i mean that - YEARS, of therapy. So when I say it is hard to change your ways, I don't mean just change them to a milder form of abuse or to find a way around your wife's boundries. I mean actually stop abusing. It's hard. Good luck.

I comment you on wanting to make amends with your wife.I think we all have blurted out insensitive things when angered,but if you find that it was a habit that you continued,then you need to recondition yourself and break that habit.Anyone who belittles or critisizes another person needs to take a look at WHY they feel the need to do so.Learning to deal with every day frustrations without lashing out at the person that you care about is very important.I have been in exactly this type of relationship,and I gave second chances...and third...and fourth...finally resulting in a court ordered restraining order against him ENFORCED BY THE LOCAL DA...not by me.He had substance abuse issues,as well as low self esteem,and anger management.I've seen him rehabilitate himself to the point that he is a complete changed man,but that is often NOT the case.If you are sincere in your desire to be the kind of husband that your wife deserves,please get to the heart of your issues,deal with your triggers,anger management,etc.and show her that you are earnest in your promises.Good luck.

Tinman, what spoke loudly to me in your initial post was when you said "Should I try to keep her or should I let her go".

"keep" ? "Let" ?

They are power over, dominance and ownership words. They suggest to me that you are living inside an abuser's mentality. And that is far more than a bunch of learned behaviors. Such a mentality rarely changes. Hopefully you are an exception though I can't see why you should be.

I dunno, mate. How can anyone be as clueless as you present about acting considerately? It's as if you have a brain that can't register some types of knowledge. The closest I can coming to understanding that type of thing is when I read "Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us" by Robert D Hare. I am not saying this as an attack or to insult you; I am saying it because it is what I am thinking.

But, ok, here is a wild shot in case you really want insight. There is a great book that came to mind as I read all the posts on this topic. You might like to read it. It requires application and is not a simplistic read. But just maybe it might help you. It is "I Don't Want To Talk About It: Overcoming The Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrence Real. It is not like any other book on depression as it goes to its roots and also talks of how we act and why - and not just with regard being depressed.

All the best.

Another book by Terrence Real, the author of the last book I mentioned before, may help you if you are serious in wanting to learn how to get a good marriage going.

It is "How Can I Get Through To You?: Closing The Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women". Real's book demonstrates his five relational skills: how to hold the relationship in regard, how to speak, how to listen, how to negotiate, and how to stay on course.

You can get it new or 2nd hand at Amazon.com.

The comments to my daughter are sincere in her beauty and not my wife's infidelity. They never were about paterity questions really. No matter how mucj I say this I know it's hard to believe.
"let" "keep" Are meant as a means of extra effort on my part. If I let her go means I go ahead and move or help her move which ever she wants without trying to stay. Keep her as in I let her know what's going on in an effort to keep us happy and together. I will change torwards her anyway for the better. I just don't want to make it harder on her if she really wants to stay but really needs to go. There's no doubt that she loves me! I don't think it will be a problem for me to change. But now I'm starting to think that may almost impossible. I don't want to lose her but I don't want us to stay together if it will hinder her from a better life even if I was able to change. What makes it so bad is that I filed for the divorce.