Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

I think you both need to sit down and talk-about what she needs-she should be the one to tell you how you've hurt her, not her mom(but I guess it's good that you know). I don't know why you need a court order to get into counseling-there are alot of non-profit org. out there that will base your fee on your income-couples counseling would probably benefit you both. I don't know what the answer is to your problem. You say you want to be alone-if you stay together-make arrangements maybe for once or twice a week for each of you to have "alone" time(I call it ME time)-do with this time whatever you want and come together at the end of the day-or do an overnight somewhere, alone. Maybe you just need your own space-some folks like to be alone from time to time.

Get counseling. Both of you independently and couples counseling. This of course is only appropriate if your wife also wants to maintain this relationship. Please understand that she may not. She has just had her fill and is over your crap. Still, if you choose to truly change your ways, get yourself some therapy. You are going to need it. Your post here is full of a lot of the signs that all of us here recognize as abuse. Good for you for recognizing the error of your ways. Now for the hard part. Changing them.

I just read your post. I'm glad that you realize that you have been abusive. I don't know what your relationship has been or currently is- but I can tell you that if my husband (still married after 18 years of verbal abuse) suddenly started pampering me, I would be scared. I would be scared of the other shoe dropping because I have learned over and over again that the silver lining has a cloud- a big, mean, nasty cloud.

My husband, too, would say that he had no idea that he hurts me so much. I am the reason- I've become afraid to talk to him, because I have learned that anything I say can and will be twisted and turned so that I don't even recognize it. There may have been times early on when your wife tried to talk to you and you said that you didn't mean it or that it was a joke. Well, after hearing that a couple of hundred times we (abused women) will just shut down.


Please go to counseling and let her know that you are going. That you realize what you have done and that you are working hard to change. Maybe she will be willing to go to counseling as well.

I'm getting counseling either way it goes. I just don't know if my wife wants to stay or not. I have hurt her enough! I don't want to be good to her and change her mind if she really needs to go. It would just make things harder for us both. If I don't try, it's not like I'm going to blow her off. I will give her all the help she needs to separate. And queenvalerie, its not hard to change my ways. One of the biggest things I do is talk to her like one of the guys. ex. A couple weeks ago the kids were at my mother's and we were alone. She was walking around naked and I made a comment that didn't come out right. I said "It's funny now that we have been together for while you can walk around naked and not get raped by me". We had been having sex all morning and that was said later on. I still find her very, very attractive but I geuss what I said didn't make her feel so. That's what I was told that was the worst thing I have every said to her. Or I will tell my baby girl that she's too pretty to be my baby. Not saying that she's not my child but that she's alot prettier than me. But I guess when I tell my child that and my wife hears it, it doesn't sound right. Things like that I didn't realize. I don't fuss or directly insult my wife but I do make comments like the ones above.

It's hard to tell if you really recognize how hurtful you have been to her. She needs to be able to tell you in a safe environment all the hurt she feels. You may have to go way back with her and hear all kinds of stuff you didn't even realize was hurting her. But you seem to really love her...if you do, then fight for her. If she knows you will really humble yourself, she may be willing to go to counseling with you. But you have to be ready to truly be humble and think about the way that you speak to her, and work on changing it. She has to see that. She deserves it, and your kids deserve it.

I don't really think she needs counsel unless you are saying that she may fear me without someone else around. I think she knows I want touch her, but then again what do I know. I would like to leave her out of counseling unless you guys think I need her there. I really want to work on me. I don't want to drag her into it. I really take pride in "trying" to be a good man. That's why I hurt so much now.

You know, my husband realized the day that he received the divorce papers that gee he was not treating me right, that he was being abusive. He said some of the things you have said here in this post. He went to counseling for a few months, treated me very well for a few months, when I stopped the divorce, he stopped treating me well, and slowly in different ways started abusing me again.

I hope that you are sincere in your post here, that you truly want to change your ways. But I hope you know that it is you and you alone that needs to change. Only you can change how you treat your wife, and I hope that you realize that she is not to blame for ANY of YOUR bad behavior. I hope that you realize that IF she decides to give you another chance, it will be your very last chance, don't waste it! I hope that you realize that IF she decides to stay with you, you will have to prove yourself, and it will take years for her to truly trust you again, IF she is ever able to do so.

I do not mean to sound mean to you, but you see I went through this with my husband, he suddenly realized the error of his ways, but soon as I let him back into my heart, he destroyed me again. He blew his last chance, and I am now going to go file for divorce again.

Please go to counseling, be prepared to hear all kinds of things that you have done that have hurt her, and be the man you say you want to be and sit there and take it! You earned it. I hope that you will go to counseling alone as well, work on these issues and work through what causes you to do what it is that is hurting her. And I hope that you do not blame one thing on her, because it is not her fault, no one makes you treat them badly, only you can do that.

I hope that you will be one the the 5% of abusers that do truly change.

Again, I am sorry if this sounds harsh.

Counseling is the best route to go. You both need really do some communicating with each other. I believe the both of you should get couples counseling together. I will be praying for you two.

I do understand now that I hurt her. I can't say that I know how much. I don't blame anything on her. I'm really not asking if I did anything wrong, I know I have. I'm not looking anyone to lift my spirits so you can't be too harsh. I just want to know what do you gals like in a man. Obviously I don't know but I really want to know. I want to be the perfect man whether it be to my wife, kids, or anybody I come in contact with. I don't want to give anyone a bad vibe. I'm on this site for me! I'm asking for advice for me! I do love my wife, but I will never try to force her to stay with me! I just want to learn! I know I can be who she wants. She always tells me that I give the kids all her loving and that I need to save some for her. I still don't know what she means by that? BeckyK, would you have felt better if could have gotten out earlier? Or did you really want him to change and if he had of would you really love him? Or would you still feel like you should have left?

You're not going to be "the perfect man" but you can start by admitting and facing your imperfections, and letting her know that you care enough to REALLY HEAR her feelings and her heart. You SHOULD go to counseling together in order to address the issues that she is feeling, and individual as well. The thing that human beings seem to want the very most, and as a woman, I'll speak for myself, is to REALLY be heard from my heart and treated with respect and kindness...that I would go to bed every night knowing without any doubt that my husband or boyfriend loves me through his words and actions, and that my kids had NO DOUBT in their minds that their dad truly adored their mom.