Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful....
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What to do re his games ?
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I have a long term issue with my husband of 25 years in that he is not a team player and is not into discussions. Trying to get him to talk with me about something turns out just as it does when we try to move furniture together, for example. I get hurt however hard I try to avoid this, eg, by vigilance and dodging looming dangers. He likes to be boss; and he is nasty. If its furniture I get bumpted and crushed - the fingers get it the worst. Verbally he is convoluted and nasty, just as Patricia Evans describes an abuser in her "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". I get messed somehow all the time - my heart gets hurt the most.
This matter has become far more serious over the past few years as I think he is considering retirement and can then access all our assets - just run with me on that one; believe me, it makes sense. He has always controlled the finances and actually has subjected me all along to financial abuse. Now I am worried that he will end our marriage AND take all the money and leave me with nothing. This will put an end to so much in my life, including really basic things like where I can live and work (I work from home). This COULD happen if he is clever enough about it and I do not act before he retires. I would like him to talk about this and have us reach an agreement. Is this hoping for the impossible? As I have no money, there is not a lot I can do. Lately he is overseas and is communicating with me by emails. They don't say much and are absolutely impersonal. I wrote to him and said our sis in law (his brother's sister) rang me and pumped me about what I thought his future plans were. He wrote back (this was today) and said "What do you think my future plans are?". I wrote back and said "We need to talk, but not like that". It's like a cat and mouse saga. What do you think I can and should say and do? Posted on 05/14/08, 09:05 am |
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Hi Rosie,
Just jumping in her to say that you are smarter than he is. Now, even though men have abused us, they are the irrational ones, so be a step ahead. You can locate all the assets for a small fee on idetective.com if you don't already have access to them. it makes me feel creepy that he's corresponsing like this on e-mail, being so elusive. My best bet is that he feels he's in the control position, so let him stay there and work away at all the esentials like money, papers, keys,etc, like a workerbee. I'd like to see you file right away with an emergency motion to freeze the assets nad give you temporary spousal support. From the looks of this, you'll get alimony for the rest of your life, insurance from him, and half of the assets, fixed or liquid. Check out your credit for free, too, because, unfortunately these things can take a beating during a divorce. But, be proactive and that will give you te edge. P.S. You've got alot of strong women here supporting you. 
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Hi RoseM. I'd just like to comment further on Post 29. It is the same, here in Canada, once you file for divorce, all assets are frozen. I am not sure where you are but it is very likely the same.
Queenvalerie has given you some brilliant information. It may seem overwhelming, so much so it may seem hard to get started. Make an ongoing list of what you need to do. I keep my list in an exercise book. As hard as it is to take action, pick one thing off the list (perhaps, there is something on the list which seems less threatenting than the other items on the list, then make a promise that you'll get it done "today" no matter what, then follow through, however scary it may seem. Try to do one thing a day, at least at first.
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Thanks Susan, rosebud11 and anyone I've missed.
I am in Australia. It is 9.30 pm here, Saturday. Today I went to the newsagent and bought 4 bright plastic pocket folders for the papers I can take or copy. And I will start an exercise just for my list of things to do. Great idea and then I won't lose them and it minimizes the chance of bits of paper falling into his hands. I'm not sure that detective place will work in Australia. Guess what I found when I was looking through the mail to see if I missed the electricity bill's arrival? My husband has joined another retirement fund. Now that is very interesting for someone who is on the verge of retiring. The welcome to the fund letter and booklet was in a big enveloppe, plus his member no. I don't know what this means exactly. Yesterday I wrote back to him (he is still overseas) and asked what his plans re retirement are. He wrote back today and said (only) "I don't know what my plans are". How can he write like that? This is not "nice" is it? Normal? Sometimes I get so confused the way he acts.
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Well, this hurts exponentially, but any partner that would answer that way is considering his own options only.
Great news about finding the new retirement papers. Now doesn't this give you a boost? The guy is padding his own account, but it's 50% yours, so let him do it.
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Rosie, no it is not nice nor is it normal. I regret having been "offline" for a good part of this discussion, but I really like what others have had to say. Whether or not their suggestions would pertain to your specific situation, I hope that you are getting the sense that there is an entire community out here that is pulling for you and willing to lend you support.
I know the issues with financial abuse. Although we had joint accounts, most of the credit cards were either in my name or his. I did like the one person commented - I used "my" card to buy the things that he wouldn't allow me to buy or that I knew he would have a fit over the cost. I would go shopping and hide the bags in the trunk of my car until he left the house. It was horrible, and created a financial dillema that I am still sorting out. He did all the financial stuff, he paid the bills, and when the bank statements came, he went through every check and scrutinized every one I wrote. I truly hated that time of the month, probably why I have a hard time opening up bills and bank statements today. As far as "being on the streets," I know that this is the hard part of your decision right now. Some things to toss out though, what about friends or colleagues or family. Most of them would not want or allow you to be "on the street." If it is possible to find a business colleague you could share office space with, or a family member or friend that might have a spare room on a temporary basis? Having suffered abuse like this, I know this can be the hardest part. Isolation is one of our abusers best tools in his bag of tricks, coupled with a constant berating. Since leaving my ex, one thing that I still find impossible right now is asking for help. I simply cannot do it. I hope and pray that you find the strength to do what I have been unable to.
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Thanks rosebud11 and revpatty. Thanks for standing by me and that goes for everyone else too.
Thanks for those words rosebud - "he is considering himself only". Funny how that helps. And it is so typical and true of him. Even when he blames me for something, it is because he is thinking of himself. Even if I tell a story, it gets a comment from him about him. So I might as well get it straight in my head that he is all about him. And yes, that fun is about feathering his nest. I suppose he thought he's keep quiet about it. That is typical of him too. He is so sly. Yes, ask for help..it's a hard one and I have been very isolated. I don't see much joy that way. I did apply for a new credit card the other day on an account to do with my work. I don't know if I'll get it. If I do I'll keep it for an emergency, like a sudden visit to a lawyer. Yes, I could do with strength. I'm finding it hard to cope adequately and I feel a bit odd.
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Hugs to you,Rose.The whole prospect of this situation seems pretty daunting,but at least if he isn't there,he isn't in your face,and that is a blessing.I wish that I knew more about Canadian laws.I'm completely at a loss on that.I wish you luck on finding the resources that you need to take care of your interest.
You have been such a wonderfully supportive friend to so many,all the while dealing with your own situation.You are a wonderful person.
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Thanks for your lovely post Val. It brought tears to my eyes.
Oh, I'm in Australia. It is nice without his being here. So peaceful. And my som and I are eating well as I get a chance to shop and cook. And I got another short email from my husband. He said "What new superannuation (retirement) policy ?" as I asked him why he did that. Duh ! I HAVE it here, for goodness sake. The notification came in the mail. But he had often denied things to my face, even about bumping me right after he did it. What do I make of that?
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You make of that what you will. Clearly it is more of the same. His avoidance of answering your questions is sad, but it is also very telling. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is setting you up. This response is no different than "what do you think my future plans are?" He is creating an environment of chaos for you. The more off-center he can get you, the less likely you are to be thinking clearly and able to protect yourself.
Just keep track of these non-answers. The more of them you get, you will probably start to see a pattern in what he refuses to discuss. When you see that pattern, you will see what he is protecting the hardest. That is HIS plan. Then you target that and fire with both barrels.
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Thanks buddy queenly one.
And I appreciated that so much I printed it out to pin up. Because his way of talking DOES get me off-center. I was out raking our autumn leaves today and feeding the lone chook (chicken) and her mate the bush turkey (he? has just learned to make a funny noise) and as i did so I was thinking maybe he's a nice guy and this is all in my mind. I really did! I can remember the exact bit of path as I thought that thought. Aagh ! What is it with me ?!!!! Well, I shall take that thought to bed as it is beddy bye time and I've got a busy day with clients (nice but hard work and I need that money). Love you everybody xxxxx
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