Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful....
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What to do re his games ?
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I have a long term issue with my husband of 25 years in that he is not a team player and is not into discussions. Trying to get him to talk with me about something turns out just as it does when we try to move furniture together, for example. I get hurt however hard I try to avoid this, eg, by vigilance and dodging looming dangers. He likes to be boss; and he is nasty. If its furniture I get bumpted and crushed - the fingers get it the worst. Verbally he is convoluted and nasty, just as Patricia Evans describes an abuser in her "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". I get messed somehow all the time - my heart gets hurt the most.
This matter has become far more serious over the past few years as I think he is considering retirement and can then access all our assets - just run with me on that one; believe me, it makes sense. He has always controlled the finances and actually has subjected me all along to financial abuse. Now I am worried that he will end our marriage AND take all the money and leave me with nothing. This will put an end to so much in my life, including really basic things like where I can live and work (I work from home). This COULD happen if he is clever enough about it and I do not act before he retires. I would like him to talk about this and have us reach an agreement. Is this hoping for the impossible? As I have no money, there is not a lot I can do. Lately he is overseas and is communicating with me by emails. They don't say much and are absolutely impersonal. I wrote to him and said our sis in law (his brother's sister) rang me and pumped me about what I thought his future plans were. He wrote back (this was today) and said "What do you think my future plans are?". I wrote back and said "We need to talk, but not like that". It's like a cat and mouse saga. What do you think I can and should say and do? Posted on 05/14/08, 09:05 am |
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Actually, nightstar, I may take that as an affirmation; I think it may help: He has taken enough of my life; no more. Thank you very much. 
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Eight hours later and I'm up and at a new day - well, starting off at it anyway. I took that affirmation to bed - "He has taken enough of my life." It was a helpful thought. Yes, enough already.
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I agree with you, queenvalerie. You’re right I did take care of my daughter and myself. I do, however, believe He opened my eyes to opportunity/put people in my path, etc. But, no, he certainly didn’t do it for me or deliver anything by FedEx.
If it helps you RoseM, I did take action, lots of it, and as it turned out, whenever I felt I didn't know what to do or felt like I'd hit a brick wall, I’d pray and I’d get an answer in one form or another. I do believe he is there to help, if we listen/pay attention - guide us, and give us strength if you will. I also believe "God helps those that help themselves”, I hope you will take action on your own behalf, Rose. Queenvalerie is right, “He won’t just blink and our lives will be different.” It is up to us to do the “foot work.” And, you can do it!
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Rosie, honey, stop it. Just stop it. No one is sitting in the gutter. There is time between now and then to make sure that this sad scenerio is not the one that plays out for you. Here is a brand new day and you have lots of planning to do. Stop borrowing trouble, and start getting motivated on putting your plan into action. You are better than this. Even if you don't know that yet, we do. And we will gladly tell you every time you find yourself awash in misery.
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Trouble is, queenvalerie, that I am essentially a realist and in touch.
Things aren't shaping up too well for me. People here can't get housing. Even families with kids are living in cars and bathing in parks. People are living under bridges and squatting in derelict houses. It really can just fall apart. And I have a good chance of that happening to me. After all, it isn't as if I have just started to try to manage these problems of mine. The difference is that now crunchtime is imminent and there is little I can do to lessen its effect.
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OK, thats better than magical thinking. Reality bites, but that doesn't change it. You have more planning and legwork to do than most, but its still doable. And you are capable of it. You are an intelligent, wise woman. You can do this. No it won't be easy and it is unlikely that it will be easy, but it is not impossible.
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I hope you are right, oh queenly friend of mine.
I am still trying. I was too flat out today to do the ringing I planned but I shall try to do it on Monday. And maybe I can get a few plastic pocket folders tomorrow and start filling it with relevant info. Thanks for the support. It does help. And I think I'll print out that last post of yours to inspire me.
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I was thinking....why don't YOU file for divorce instead of waiting for him to do it? Do it right before he can lay his hands on that retirement money. A divorce suit will freeze his assets. I even looked this up on an Australian Law Help website so at least that much is correct. He can't legally remove that money without someone seeing it then.
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Yes, I have this idea "out there". It will reach some goals, as you said, such as making sure I don't lose everything. And I understand that the odds are I will probably get half in a court though there are no guarantees.
What bothers me is that I have no money to speak of. What I have is coming in and going out with no savings yet. And from my conversation a few years ago with the lousy lawyer I paid to see, and who will do a divorce after only the first payment, the house will get sold quickly. Then where will I live, and put my pets and things? I guess later I would get my half of the money but it could be too late to safeguard some things, and it may not be enough to buy a house. And right now I am working from home and am also trying to write a thesis this year.
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