Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Because it is dysfunctional.

Ok, there it is, straight at you. To about everybody else here I wouldn't have said that, but I've talked to you before and so I am hoping you can take straight talk. And after all you did send a "Bring it on" call, right?

The trouble with my saying what I did to you straight up is that this comes out of my mindset, my head full of stuff, my perceptions. You don't live in my head so you may just not "get" what I just said. So I think I should explain or you might even feel I tipped a ton of bricks on you.

It is next to impossible to explain where I am coming from simply but I'll try.

Firstly I think you are lashing out at and dumping on him with blame so you can, you think, feel better. This is what abusers do all the time. But I know you are not a chronic abuser. In this case, however, I think you are putting your expectations on him and I don't see that we are of a sufficient Godlike statue to be able to do this.

Secondly, I don't think you are going to achieve anything except hurt and provocation. You are setting up a fight. You may get him to fight back if you hook his ego and his feathers get tweaked. So he may "smack" you round a little in return. Will you enjoy this? Any attention is better than no attention? But you will not get his respect. He will see you as an out of control woman.

Thirdly, I have a book for you. It is a very good one and it is a Christian one. It is "The Anger Workbook: A 13-Step Interactive Plan to Help You... (Minirth-Meier Clinic Series) (Paperback)
by Les Carter (Author), Frank Minirth - http://www.amazon.com/Anger-Workbo... . It is so blooming amazing it'll knock your sox off. I hope you can understand Aussie (Australian) speak.

But it's over to you.

For Me my abuser always had to get the last word in, it was part of her control. So I would just be starting a text war, that would again require her to get the last word in, and she is skilled at harmful words. One question, did it help to at least write that statement to this forum?

Yes, it helped to write it here! Sometimes I have so much hurt and have a compulsion to message him, and if I hadn't written it here, I might very well have done it! I am just so sick of him thinking that it was all my fault...but I am learning that I can't change what he thinks!! I can only control my actions. Rosem, it would certainly be dysfunctional to continue to try and explain to him...so no offense taken.

P.S. He already sees me as an "out of control woman" because of all my explaining...so how do I change that view of myself?

Well, that's a BIG question.

You could start with that book I just mentioned. It is dirt cheap 2nd hand at Amazon.com.

By page 12 alone you will have got some turn-around revelations. You may not think of yourself as angry, but this book will show you that you are; that it is natural (given certain things); and how to get past it. And it is a workbook with both teaching and sensible exercises that will open your eyes to so much, including about you. I REALLY recommend it.

Don't take it personal what he says about you, and be honest with yourself.
Easily said but most of us find it hard to do.
We all want to control and be understood, we are human. I use the ST Francis prayer. Myself. ALOT.

Thanks...I'll definitely check into it. Everyone says I should be angry...I know I am somewhere inside...I seem more likely to feel hurt than anger, but I know it's in there and needs to come out!

If "everyone" says you "should" be angry, I think you should review the company you keep. That is a limited view though there is a deceptive grain of truth in it.

You go to church don't you? I say this only because I understood that you did. A solid Christian view does not endorse tit for tat anger though the matter of righteous anger is a complex one.

I think myself that your anger is understandable to a point, but that you need to move past it. And HOW to move past it is not, I believe, by attacking but by going wider and deeper and getting past what seems to be triggering your anger.

That attack back is common does not make it right or helpful.

I think livenow62 knows what I am talking about.

When you read the book I recommended, you may get a surprise. You may find that your hurt is more anger than you realise.

Another good book, but which I see as, for you right now, less immediately useful (but very good and helpful) is Harriet Lerner's "The Dance of Anger". This may open your eyes about certain "dance" steps executed in interpersonal dynamics. Such as if you push the other pulls away. She is a psychologist and therapist and is very imbedded also, in a solid and God-centered ethical system.

Another useful prayer is The Serenity Prayer. You can get these prayes up by Googling. They are a great help.

you know as well as I do that he doesnt care how you feel. THATS WHY! He will have accomplished what he set out to do if he knows your even thinking about him. Heather

As you stated earlier, it is natural to go through an anger stage. I hadn't gone through mine yet, and I think it will be healthy to do so...as long as I do it in a healthy way.