Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

As for reviewing the company I keep, they are friends, family, and therapist, and I think they are right! I need to experience some anger!

Maybe you should just learn to let go, that would be most helpful to you.You're going to make yourself very sick just worrying abut what someone else is doing.You can send him the message but you don't want too, why is it important anyway, just let the dude go.Move on and you will do yourself the best gift you can give yourself.

Maybe you are not abusive, sending a message like that makes you the abuser, just "let it go".

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ARE YOU IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP???


Understand the three kinds of relationships you have in your life. People who leave you alone are dealing with your suffering as a nuisance or inconvenience; they prefer to keep their distance in order to feel better themselves. Those who help you have the strength and awareness to do more with your suffering than you are able to do by yourself. Those who hurt you want the situation to stay the same because they do not have your well-being at heart.

Honestly count how many people are in each category you have in your life. This isn’t the same as counting friends and loving family members. Assess others solely as they relate to your difficulties.

Having made a realistic count, take the following attitude:

1. I will no longer bring my problems to anyone who wants to leave me alone. It’s not good for them or me. They don’t want to help, so I will not ask them to.

2. I will share my problems with those who want to help me. I will not reject genuine offers of assistance out of pride, insecurity, or doubt. I will ask people to join me in my healing and make them a bigger part of my life.

3. I will put a distance between myself and those who want to hurt me. I do not have to confront them, guilt-trip them, or make them the cause of my self-pity. But I cannot afford to absorb their toxic effect on me, and if that means keeping my distance, I will.
More on Deepak Chopra's Tips (128 articles available)
More from Deepak Chopra (139 articles available)

Of course you can do anything you want but it might not get you any relief. He would just interpret what you say however he wants. You say a whole bunch of sensible stuff, he hears "she can't live without me" or "she is just crazy" or something else that makes no sense except to him.

It would be great if he would have a sudden flash of great insight into what has been going on but he won't.

Maybe you're afraid that message would finally end communications for good?

Or maybe its got hidden hopes of him 'getting it', and finally understanding or wanting to understand you?..

Based on your other posts Melanie, I would say you cant send the message because you are scared he will never bother with you again. Trust me that would be the best thing for u.

Why should you admit your character flaws anyway? he just used them as excuses. Your so called flaws may not even exist. You have just been conditioned to think there is something wrong with you.

Anger can be a motivater for a woman who has supressed it for much of her life.
In my case, my ex held me hostage to my own anger at his behavior.
I would say," It makes me angry when you..." and he wouldn't even accept the most pristine language of communicatio. So, I sucked it up and got breast cancer, panic attacks and more.
But, on the few moments that I tapped into the anger, the disgust at his mistreatment of humanity, things changed. I got out. I removed his persona from my head and took action.
But, texting him will do no good. It will surely fall on deaf ears. Plus, he wants a reaction from you. Ignoring him is probably the best thing.

Melanie25, I don't think talk of an "anger stage" is necessarily helpful to this topic though it may figure in how some people make sense of this and guide their evaluations of what actions this should lead to.

Although it does fit in a way, the point I am making though is whether it is helpful to think of what you are going through as stages. Maybe it does in some contexts, but in the one of this topic, I don't think so.

I hope I wasn't the one you thought was talking about this HERE as I wasn't. I was coming at it from quite as different angle. And which I don't think you understood so I hope you'll buy that book as the authors explain it all far better than I did/am.

One danger in talking about stages of grief (as in Kubler Ross's influential ideas), and hence the anger stage, is to think we need to express the key emotions for each stage. I disagree. I don't think life is so simple that we get a carte blanche to let our emotions just hang out, ie, that we can express them without reservation and forethought. That's what outright aggressive people do and we in this community are only too familiar with the pain they cause.

We don't have to ACT OUT our emotions to deal with them functionally. Buy the book, ok?

I personally think that we are responsible for the pain we cause; that there is no excuse for abuse; and that such misdemeanours of ours get chalked up on our earthly record (however you want to conceptualise that).

But it's your call.

Hi livenow62.

I loved your posts. And I am relieved you posted the last one you did (no 14). You got at the sort of things I was thinking of when I spoke of reviewing the company kept (which I could have put better, sigh, but I had to rush to work and I had just got two phone calls in a row while I was composing my post).

Yes, definitely, by "review" I meant think in depth about, not tick against a vote for or against on a list. This topic is complex, like much of life, and needs thinking through in a way that attempts to come to grips with its complexity.

By the way, I found where your article came from (and its by Deepak Chopra) - http://www.care2.com/greenliving/a... . I made a shortcut of that site; looks promising. Thanks.