Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Never mind you are not the kind of woman he wants, the man is clearly a lunatic, and can you honestly say him and his abuse is what you want for life?

One article I read talked about how some people can simulate a convincing loving reaction to their partner without actually having the capacity to love. It's inconceivable that we have loved someone who didnt love us back but sadly for many on DS that is the painful truth.

Trust in God Melanie, sometimes the way forward is not clear but eventually you will see the path you must take

he has hurt you terribly..and still you want to make it better..and imagine if you just changed, he might also?

So you felt very wanted, every time he wanted you bacK?..That means that you kept splitting up..and he would be nasty, and if he wanted you back..it was proof of his love?

Unfortunately, proof of his love is in his respect of you..but it sounds like he plays abusive mind games with you..and that maybe because you still love him, that he still loves you..and you go back for more..so long as hes sorry?...I have been there, and worn the tee-shirt..

Hes only sorry, until the next time....

You can forget and go back to find out that it doesn't get better...though you hope beyond hope..that its gone away?..You telling him you know you can be wrong, and seeing your 'faults' won't make it go away..

Nothing you can do or say.can MAKE someone choose to hurt you badly..

You wrote..'He really does not understand women or care about feelings',

That is very worrying..and a real deal breaker..

You hope he will ring you?...

Did he show signs of changing the last time you got back together?

'He always wanted me back, and now he may not ever want me again!'

It likely felt good, being 'wanted back'...And now its very scary, because he may not ever want you again? I know the feelings..so confusing..

Only you know would it be worth going back again?

Or if he'll ever change?

Sorry to say..but it sounds to me like it wouldn't be worth it..

And that its unlikely that he'll never change?...

Abuse is all about power and control. In the same way his anger is a control mechanism for him, so is his silence. Do you think that he doesn't know what's going on in your head right now? Of course he does. He planted that thought process there. His anger was starting to make you mad and resistant so now he has changed courses and is using the silent treatment. He knows exactly what you are doing. You are doing exactly what he wants. You are doubting yourself, you are feeling insecure without him. You want nothing more than him right now. Not in a loving way, but in a defensive way and truthfully he doesn't care which way it is. All you want is for him to feel your hurt, to know the pain he inflicted on you, to understand you. He doesn't care WHY you want his presence, the fact that you want it is enough.

Mel, honey, you may well despise me for this, but no you don't know you can't control his thinking. That is exactly what you want to do. You want to explain, to talk to him, to make him "see the light", to make him feel your pain. You hope that after all this is accomplished then he will be the partner you need. The problem is that he just doesn't care about all that. His one and only concern is that he get and maintain power and control over you. And the more you dwell on him the more he gets it. Do not call, do not text, do not email. Work on yourself and only yourself. Stop asking "why did he do that". He did that because he is a megalomaniac who sees your subjegation as his due. Start asking yourself what you can do for yourself to bring hope and peace and love into your life. Honey you are really not trying to let this go, you are trying to control it. And the harder you struggle for control the stronger he gets. Just detach from him and of the pain that this relationship brings you. Turn on your heels and ignore him. Do not respond, do not dwell, do not waste enother moment of emotion. Then start working *on* yourself *for* yourself. Not for a future relationship or a past one. Just for you.

Thanks...actually I DO know I can't control his thinking, even though I have to fight the strong desire to do so. I am recognizing in this journey that it is one of my flaws, and I am trying to let that go. I am also trying to let this go, and have been successful in not contacting him for a month, and hope that it'll only get easier from here. Thanks for the reinforcement.

It hurts when they seem to not want you back, i've had and am going through similar confused emotions at the moment, but when my stbxh said 'i realised i can no longer get through to you' i relaised he meant 'control and manipulate me.'. The rejection as we see it hurts, but really they know they can't control us, so that's whay they no longer want us, and also it is another of their stupid games with us. I am reading a book at the moment called 'it's my life now' and one exercise is to wite a letter you NEVER send to you ex, saying all of the things they did to hurt you, explaining your feelings etc, and keep it somehwere safe, add to it when you need to and then when you feel ready, burn it! There's no point or reason to explain to them, they will never understand and will always blame us it's about coming to terms with things for oursleves. You speak of flaws, no-one is perfect and shouldn't expect to be, but remember alot of the flaws you feel are because he BLAMED you, he blamed you to sit himself, don't believe it, love yourslef.

Good for you! Try and make yourself the absolute best person you can be. Try not to beat yourself up for not being perfect, and do it for yourself. Just yourself.

It really does get easier with time. Other things in life start to move forward in your mind and this retreats to the back. It doesn't go away completely and never will. It is part of your life and part of your past. But it does all get put into perspective and time gives you that perspective.

Hell, you shouldn't contact him anymore.Maybe try some CODA meetings in you're area, if he doesn't contact you anymore, you'll be better off.Just remember you're just as important as anyone else is.Saying the term "I am not the woman he wants" should give you a red flag.and "he is a monster in disguise" is another red flag.Work on yourself and you will have better relationships.

If he never calls, he will be doing you a favor. You will come out stronger and be in control of the situation if he do not text message him, call him or communicate with him in any form.

Maybe think of it like giving up a bad habit. I gave up smoking. The giving up was hell though I knew it was bad for me to smoke those cigarettes. What helped me the most was saing "I choose not to smoke" and going and getting on with my life better. Don't look back, look forward.

GO GO GO girl keep your self busy.Don't wait for the call and don't take it when it comes.He will destroy you.You are to beautiful for that crap.Put the phone away and go do things that keep your mind away from him.As the days pass and you succeed in tucking him away things will become clearer