Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful....
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My fiance`
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For nearly three years my fiance' has abused me in various ways. I no longer have privacy. I have at one point found a key logger on my computer that was installed by him, that told him everything I had ever typed, looked at, or whatever website i have been at. The so called 'friends' I have I cannot speak to anymore, after finding out that they have been 'reporting' back to him anything I say to them.
He at one point actually sent one of his friends to spy on me and my friends because he apparently thought we were plotting against him. When we were in the earlier stages of our relationship he would read my posts from various forums and read when I was upset at him so he would know when to pick up flowers and apologize to me. Because a video I had made pertaining to SI material he deleted my photobucket and youtube accounts. He searched through my history and found what site I kept a journal on, read the entries didn't tell me about it until months later so he could continue reading my journal entries. no matter how much I change passwords or clear my history, it's never enough. I really am so tired of it. he would also use my SI as a way to capture my attention, when ever I SIed and didn't tell him he would threaten to leave, tell my mother, call the cops etc. I believe he just used this as a way to get me to gravel at his feet (metaphorically) and tell him how stupid I was and how sorry I was. Till this day, when I SI I have to show him. And it's humiliating. while my computer has only one password on it his has at least three, he knows all of my passwords for everything, my computer, different website profiles etc yet I know none of his passwords. at one point he took to looking through my phone records to see if I was calling anyone 'suspicious' not to mention various other forms of mental abuse, and sexual abuse. He constantly pays more attention to his computer than he does to me. He has most recently discontinued any closeness we have other than sex. We rarely talk, rarely cuddle etc. I just don't know what to do Posted on 01/25/08, 11:01 pm |
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Count your blessings that you haven't married him yet. Call off the wedding and kick him to the curb. None of this right by any standards of human decency. If he has so little trust that he has to continually spy on you, what type of future do you really think you would have with him.
This guy is obviously technologically gifted, so I doubt that you could trust him in the future, even if he promises to cease spying on you. Once you get rid of him, have your computer completely rebuilt to make sure that none of his "spying" software continues to inform him of what you do. Better yet - if you have the resources, get you a new one and be careful what you move over from your old one. 
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I know this is over used and very cliche but I really love him, I seem to only focus on what he has done, good things wise. I just can't seem to stomach the thought of leaving him, I am also sort of afraid of being alone, after three years of being together I have rarely spent more than a week apart.
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After reading you valid concerns...these are fears that your head is keeping track of...while your heart is holding onto him and your relationship, because it can only keep track of the good sides of him.
The mind knows the truth and will help you see what really could be yours if you stop giving the reins of your current relationship to your heart. It wants to keep that "in love" feeling...because positive actions and physical closeness feeds the heart. Now your heart is almost to the point of starving and your mind is starting to kick into self preservation mode. I could be wrong...I seperated from my husband due to my fear/lack of trust and my love for my girls...but in my heart...has always loved him...there was some positive acting out... I am by nature, a big lead with the heart type...but I have to say...these days with dependent children...I put faith in what my mind knows as reality...whatever we wish to see..."a duck is still a duck".
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I was having another discussion with him and the topic of him choosing his friends over me, he said yes he did choose his friends over me, because he tries to keep his friends for life, and they all hate me because after only an hour or so after hanging out i am tired and ready to go or i 'hate them'
and when he said that i acted like after a while i wouldn't have to see these people again i was being bitchy and blah blah blah long story short, im a bitch and his friends come first and in between leaving the room to cry and smoke, i was pleading with him "what can i do to be important to you" "I figure after three years of walking on eggshells and crawling on my hands and knees over broken glass for you would be enough" first it was him saying "come here" as if to embrace me, and i wasn't going to have any of it... then he passed out and a little bit longer of me crying and sobbing as i asked "was i just a way to get out of your parents house?" and he said "no dear, cant you wait to talk about this"
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I am with you. My ex fiancee was the same way. It's painful, in so many ways. When I mourned the loss of our relationship, I mourned a dream that I had of what could have been, but I do not miss the lunacy.
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so you are thinking what? you can fix this? he will change? a miracle will occur, lightning will strike him with an amazing realization that he is wrong to treat you this way? What are you holding onto? fairytale dreams of how he USED to treat you? Your fear of being alone? I think you just need to quietly make plans to leave. Enlist friends, family to help you move your stuff out ASAP...I wouldn't give him any notice, just carefully plan your escape from this abusive relationship. It is hard to let go of your dream of what used to be, how he used to treat you..but you have to see the truth of where you are right now...being an abused doormat for a control freak who cares nothing at all for you whatsoever, has no respect for you whatsoever and will only treat you even more viciously every single week you prolong this. Get some counselling to help you figure out why you have put up with this for as long as you have, address these issues now so you can have a healthy relationship with someone in your future.
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Get out of this as quickly as you can. Get to a womens shelter.
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When I started reading your post the word "Hostage" kept popping in my mind. This is emotional abuse. This guy is holding you as an emotional hostage.
I agree with Ruby, do whatever you have to to get out. It will only get worse. Especially if you marry him. Their is no justification for this kind of behavior. Your young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Get out and go live it.
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Well you might not like this here it is: LEAVE find someone who treats you with respect and dignity. If he is displaying these types of behavior now, it will only get worse in time, leaving you in shambles. Try joining a gym or some type of group where you can meet new people.
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Before you leave have a safety plan in place. if you need help feel free to ask me or anyone else here.
He can and will become violent after you leave. 40-60 percent of women are harmed after they try leaving. I know... i tried it... I have the photos to prove it. You can do it though. Don't let that stop you from leaving. Just know that the womens shelter will help you when you are ready to stop being controlled emotionally and physically. What he is doing is wrong and will get worse. HE IS CONTROLLING YOU Don't wait till you are stronger to leave or you never will. The only way to leave a toxic relationship is to leave quickly. Remember no contacting him. If you do he will draw you back in... he will make you hope he will change and he will only get worse. The strength will come only after you leave. Hes a drug. All toxic relationships are... you need a safe haven and help staying away from him. Don't go this alone. its harder.
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