Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

yes, it all adds up to abuse. just be careful and get some therapy ok? because as you are the abused one now, you also have the tendency to abuse also. sorry, but true. Get Therapy so you can start working thru the anger and guilt.

yes thats abuse. its hard to work out abuse sometimes when its not extreme...my dad used to kinda lightly hit me like that also...emo abuse is especially hard to work out when its manipulation, sarcasm, intimidation, bullying...as its not always so direct, its bad cos it undermines yr confidence.

If you feel hurt by it, it's abuse. Disciplining a child is totally different, it's done with love, it's done with guidance. A normal disciplinarian knows how to make the child feel like they're a loved, special, integral part of the family. Computers aren't first. Things are things. Children aren't perfect and learn everything from their parents, so of course there's going to be times when the parents have to teach right from wrong. It sounds like your dad's probably either very old fashioned, possibly narcissistic. The problem is fathers have a profound effect on their daughters, so when this type of thing happens, it can be so damaging!

I never seriously thought that I, being a female, could be abusive.

I have always heard that females who had abusive parents tended to end up married to or in a committed relationship with an abuser instead of being abusers themselves. Since I wanted to avoid this, I have been watching DailyStrength for signs of abusers and saving them in a document on my computer. I also used some money I got for Christmas and bought "Men who hate women and the women who love them," which was recommended on here for abused women. I want to make SURE I don't end up romantically involved with an abuser.

Have other women who had abusive parents realized that they were or could become abusers? Or just ended up falling in love with one?

My mom was, sometimes still is, verbally abusive. I always questioned how she could act the way she did and be okay with it but now, thinking back, I acted pretty much the same way with my little cousin, only to a lesser degree. I was always calling him stupid and annoying and telling him to shut up. I don't know it it's really abuse...some people say it is, most say it's just kids being kids. I know I feel terrible about it and I've apologized to him about a million times since then. He doesn't seem upset about it, he says it's ancient history and I need to stop apologizing. But all that being said, I don't think being abused necessarily means you're going to become an abuser, it's still a choice.

Ok. I will say this and then I am not coming back to this thread.

What you said here is not the same story you PRESENTED in the Asperger community some time back.

And I know what you said and the context in which you were told what you were told. What you are saying now that you were told then, you were not. But you obviously think you were told what you are now saying you were. I just want to note this. I am not coming back to argue about it.


The book you mentioned is "ok" but will hardly teach you much really about the subject of abuse. If you are serious, you need to read much more and get the best books. I'd say the no 1 for you is Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he Do That?" - See http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-...

And yes, there is nothing to argue about here, men and women can both be abusive. And both can abuse. Why they do this is the result of a number of things, but growing up in an abusive family gives one a good chance of being either an abuser or abused, and whether you are male or female. FACTS.

So if you want to be functional and not an abuser or abused, you have serious work to do and it will be quite a project. The first step is to FIND OUT what work you have to do, not jump to conclusions. The best way is to ask somebody who knows. But you can read the book I suggested and also read up doing CAREFUL and THOROUGH Google searches.

If you want a good diagnosis of your childhood experiences, see a competent therapist. Yes I know you have one. My point is that here on DS is not a foolproof way to find things out, for various reasons. I am putting nobody down in saying this. One can gain a lot from DS, but it is not advisable to seek good clinical diagnoses here. I surely do not need to explain why and i am not going to try.

It may not be severe physical abuse (I don't know how hard your dad hit you), but it WAS abuse all the same. The church often teaches "spare the rod, spoil the child". To me a tap on the butt is not a beating. But a tap on the head is something that a child should never receive, no matter how hard it is given. You were definitely emotionally abused by your father, the neglect, the void of showing you love. AND it doesn't matter what another says, if YOU feel it was abuse, then it was!

Hitting you on the head is definitely abuse. The rest is iffy. It definitely sounds like your family had emotional problems, and when you add it all up, it could be considered emotional abuse.

Hi estrellaSMC.

You were very angry and abusive in the private message you sent me as a result of my previous post on this thread. I did not reply to it as I do not reply to aggressive messages.

If you did not like my post here, I suggest to say so in this topic so other people can see what you are saying. If they agree with you, I think they will say so. In any case, you will be able to discuss whatever I said that bothers you about it. But I won't be arguing about it myself as I don't do arguments.

I do sympathise with you in your young person's relationship difficulties. It is not easy for most of us being young, and you have a disability that makes interpersonals a challenge. I think you are doing well to work on this and I hope you go from success to success.

Two books that may help you are Tony Attwood's "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" and Katrin Bentley's "Alone Together".

Don't get the first book if a solid professional level of analysis and way of writing puts you off. But it is a great and recent book (2007) by a renowned expert of Asperger's Syndrome.

The second book is written, in 2007 also, by a woman who has been long-term married to an Asperger guy. I got it only yesterday and can't wait to read it more. I am amazed by how well it talks about Asperger behavior. It is an easy read by a smart woman who gets to the main points all the time.

I think you really need to factor in your Asperger's as well as it makes a big difference. Anything that makes a difference makes a difference. For example, you will sometimes be seen as abusive by non Asperger people and it is true that Asperger people do things that objectively are "abusive", leaving out the cause. The cause of course has to be considered if the full truth of what is going on is to be understood. But the fact of the matter is that most people like being treated in certain ways and they dislike being treated in certain ways and there are consequences accordingly. You don't get a free ticket to do whatever because you have AS.

I am wondering what your goal is in deciding whether your father has been abusive to you? Maybe you should focus on this goal or talk about what you should do now if you father has done some abusive things to you in the past and/or made you feel bad. And having behaved abusively does not make a person an abusive TYPE of person. In any case, you have only one father and he obviously matters to you, so maybe you should just focus on having him in your life now in a nice way.

That your father made you feel bad could be the result of lots of things and is not in itself definitive of abuse. Abuse is defined by what the behavior is that the person did/does. Asperger people are very sensitive to being treated negatively. As kids can have screaming meltdowns over normal range discipline. Discipline is not abuse as such though many of us dislike certain types of discipline. I don't like head hitting, etc myself and hit my Asperger son only once and that was when he did a very naughty thing.

Everybody can act abusively. You acted abusively to me. The point is what we want to achieve with that person. If you want to have a good relationship with your father now, it makes sense to work on that. Or are you really saying you only want to be friends with a father who never abused you. I suggest that is impossible as all father and mothers will have been abusive. And do you really want to cut your father out of your life? And do you want to sit bitterly feeling sorry for yourself and mad at your father, punishing him (and yourself too, be aware of that) for what happened once and for reasons that held then. Nobody is perfect. Punishing people for not doing or having done what you want/wanted is mean/abusive and self centered. It is also what AS people tend to do.

As AS tends to run in families, you could also consider whether your father has AS too. In any case, you need to learn how to get along with him if that is what you want. You may not get another chance if you condemn him now and push him away. Do you want that?

Do you know the saying "The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth"? I think it has a lot going for it.

you shouldn't need to justify whether or not you were abused by a book. I hope for nothing but healing for you. I know we all coudl use some