Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Hang in there, Susan. You're doing well.

Yes, don't respond to him. He will find ways to "get to" you and I think the best way is no contact and make sure you are safe. If necessary contact the police.

Have you had a talk with your daughter about how you don't want her to tell him anything?

Every strength to you.

Yes, I've talked to my daughter a couple of times. She's says she will check incoming calls before she picks up and will pick up to numbers she knows, but as she is 15, I'm not sure if she will remember to always check the number before she picks up. She may even pick up at some point because she feels sorry for him. I will talk to her again, she is a good kid, but is 15 (she often wants to do what she wants to do because she is becoming independent in many ways (which is good). Unfortunately, I don't think she realizes how easy it would probably be for him to manipulate her.

In the past, he usually involves the police in some way. I'm not so sure I will have to call them because, if anything, he will bring them, because he likes to give them the impression he is the victim and I am the mad women.

I was going to change the phone number today, but I think it might be a bad idea. It would look like I am trying to prevent access to his daughter and the courts here in Canada don't approve of that, even if you are a battered woman. But, there is the answering machine, so I won't have to talk to him directly and all calls will be on tape.

Thanks for replying Rose, I appreciate the support. By the way, I am curious about your pets. I am wondering what you have? I have a dog, there is my Hs fish, and I have a Senegal Parrot called Lily!

Hi Susan,

Could getting legal advice help?

And what about talking to the police for advice?

WE need accurate information and then to act rather than fretting.

I have two dogs (a Maltese and A Papion; now mine but were my daughters'- one daughter took hers when she went); 5 cats (one for each child and belonging to them and one a feral one we've had for about 5 yrs; and 2 budgeregars (? small chirpy Australian birds).

I am going on memory. The last time this happened was about 8 years ago. So, it wouldn't hurt to clarify my position. When I stopped by the tax office to sign my return yesterday, I asked about the lawyer that works in the same office space.
Apparently, he does handle divorce, etc., and will be in on Monday p.m.

In the meantime, if he returns, the locks have been changed. If he gets the police, then I'll have to deal with them. In the past, when the locks were changed and because he had left and had behaved violently, the police told him he couldn't come into the house and that he should see a lawyer.

In many respects, I am lucky because keeping up his his "appearance" in front of neighbours, police, etc. will be important to him.

By the way, that's quite the menagerie (not sure of spelling) you have. Our dog is an American Cocker. The Sengal parrot's roots, though bred in Canada, are in Africa (west side).

Have you warned him the locks are changed and he is not coming back? That might help prepare him.

And maybe you should warn the police what you've done and why as it seems he might pay them a visit in an attempt to get them to play parent to you.

I'm glad you're thinking of legal advice. Then you will know what you can and should do.

Yes, we have lots of pets. My husband is not a pet's person but I thought it'd be good fot the children and I like animals.

No, I haven't warned him that the locks have been changed and that I have taken out half $$$ from saving account plus money for my daughter's tuition, bussing, clothes, etc. for when she goes back to school in September. I don't know if I should. It will antagonize him and I am not sure if I am strong enough to stand up to him, yet. I also don't know if I should be having any contact with him - wouldn't it appear like I am trying to antagonize him or keep the fight going?


I have phoned the police, though I'm wondering if I should phone them back, because I forgot to say what I had done with the joint bank account and why. As it is a joint bank account, I'm not sure if I need to. The policeman I spoke to was not unkind but sat on the fence and didn't make it clear to me what they would or would not do. He said he'd have to hear what my husband had to say first. The best I could do was make my own position clear.

I think you need to warn him what you've done as he'll surely have a pink fit when he finds out another way, like when he rocks up to the house and can't get in. I see that as your actually making it likely he will get mad. Not that he won't get mad the other way too but I think it's the better of the two evils.

I think you should do what seems right to you. You won't be able to please him anyway.

I don't see that you have to tell the police everything, just what is relevant to them. It isn't theft if you have a legal right to operate that account. If you have forged his signature, well, be very careful and admit nothing.

I only suggested notifying the police as a way of neutralising things in advance because I took you as suggesting he would be likely to. But he'd surely have to have some seemingly legitimate reason.

I'm getting confused about all this. I hope I've been of some help.

Thanks, Rose. I hope I am not confusing you and that I am communicating relatively clearly. You are definitely a great support, and no I haven't forged his signature or done anything like that.

I dread phoning him, but get your point Rose. It must be one of those "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situations.

Does anyone else have an opinion? Should I phone him to let him know I've changed the locks, and taken half the money out of the account for my daughter's schooling in advance for September. I don't think changing the locks will be any surprise for him, I did this in the past years ago. In the past, he financially abused me and withheld child support - this time, I've taken the money first to make sure he can't withhold money for her schooling in September.

I understand why you wouldn't want to ring him. I imagine he'd give you a serve of anger.

Could you write? Post or email?

If you do ring, maybe you could write out a very brief little speech, starting with something like Hi xxxxxx. I have something to tell you and I am just going to tell you and go..." Then tell him AND THEN GO even if he is talking. At most, be polite, interrupt and say "Sorry. I have to go". And sure you "have to". You have to get the hell out of his vicinity.

Then be ready for the storms.

This is where your preparation comes in re no contact, police, etc.

And stick to no contact.

And beware. He has obviously broken down your locking him out of your life before so he'll follow the time proven methods again.

I think it will help if you get new interests going; find a group, church,or temple, etc out there, and get a job if you don't have one. These are moving on things that will help you.

I appreciated this dialogue - thank you, Susan and rosem111. "Every strength to you," indeed - quote from rosem111. Thanks for the insight.