Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is u...
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Why do I feel this way....
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I was married to my high school sweetheart for 17 years,he left me for his best friend's girlfriend and I was devastated.During the early"sneaking around"stage,I was left alone with my children for many a long night.He started coming home later n later,then not at all.About that time,I got a pc and started joining in on chatrooms.I became friends with this one particular man.We would talk about my failing marraige,the abuse,my kids...anything.He was always so sweet and supportive,the perfect friend.I soon leaned on him for everything.He gave great pep talks on self esteem(something that was really beaten down at the time)and when I started dating,after the separation was started,he would laugh or cry,with me over my sometimes ridiculous dates or funny stories.I met and became serious about one man,who he warned me about,but he never said"Told you so"when I fell flat on my face,two years later.I was very naive about men and valued his looking out for me.Well,after several years of being friends,one or the other of us always in some disasterous relationship...one night,after about 7 hours on the phone,I just blurted out"I LOVE YOU".I think it shocked me,more than him.He was my rock,my best friend...and I felt like I was in love for the first time.We live across the country from each other,so I went to see him,we spent a weekend together,which SEEMED wonderful...but when I returned home,he was standoffish,would make excuses to keep conversations short.I felt very used and discarded.I wrote a long,heartfelt email and he said I was being"dramatic"and he wanted nothing to do with that.He was acting cold and distant,and I just wanted to find out why.Well,I decided to just cut my losses and chalk it up to another sad life experience.We didn't talk for awhile.I missed him awful,but wasn't about to contact him.After months,I was miserable.My heart still loved him so much that I felt like I couldn't breathe.My friends said if he wanted me,he would contact me,but finally I broke down and called him.During this time,he had been suffering depression(I blamed myself)and lost custody of his kids to the state because he wasn't being very responsible.I felt terrible.He started saying he missed me and he needed someone in his life to help make his house a home so that he could get his boys back.I am the maternal type and thought that if I could show them the love and normalcy of a real family,that he and I would find our way back to each other.He asked me to move there to be with him,and help raise his kids.I was so excited,I would get the chance to show him the love that I had.Well,I sold my belongings,gave up my home and moved cross country,right before Christmas,to be with the man who professed to love me...only,when I got there,I was greeted at the bus station curtly and rushed along.I was treated like an employee and made to feel like it was ME against THEM when the boys were there.He had great kids,that I liked very much,but he excluded me whenever there was anything to do with them.Christmas day,they even holed up in the bedroom,to play video games instead of joining me for the dinner that I had prepared.Anyway...I saw that I was basically being treated like help,not as someone loved and appreciated...so I packed my bags and left...coming back home to start over with nothing but a bag of clothes and a broken heart.
It's been almost 6 months and I have gotten myself a cute little apartment,furnished it with second hand finds and actually made it quite a cozy little place.I am near to my three children,my new granddaughter and extended family but I find myself wondering how he is?Is he happy?I miss his advice,the funny conversations we used to have,his quick,sarcastic wit.We were GREAT friends...just not so great lovers.I always felt like he cared for me,but emotionally held back.What he considered drama,I considered living and loving and sharing.If I felt happy,I giggled,if I felt affectionate,I hugged...but he acted almost uncomfortable about it.I miss my friend,but hate that my"friend"became just another guy...taking what he wanted and not wanting more .My dilemma comes in that he will run cold then hot...he will pull away,then act like he wants me...which is totally confusing.As bad as it hurts my pride,I think that he was just looking for a free babysitter and dupe to take in and my heart was so full of him that I was taken in easily.But how do I get over him?Why do I,even now,want to run to the phone and call him?What can I do to seriously move on?I leaned on his for support for so long that I feel lost without him. Posted on 05/16/08, 06:05 am |
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Hi Val. From what I have learned, time is what is going to heal these wounds. It is soo hard. It's like a rollercoaster. Good/bad days.
I leaned on my ex for support, but never got it. Which made my situations doubly hard. Now, i am trying to learn to trust myself and lean on family and people who really love me. People on here are great, too for support. It's an awesome group of people on here. Utilize this site, friends, family, and yourself to help get through. Do something nice for yourself. Take care! 
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Amanda,
Thanks for your input.I guess time does heal all wounds.If I could have separated the friend from the ex lover,it would have been great.We used to laugh until I'd cry,but he just had this cold side that really was impenetrable. I know that I am better off without him,but there really wasn't closure...and I get the feeling that he may even be relieved that I left like I did...and saved the"drama".Your advice sounds like exactly the advice I would give one of my friends in my situation...but it's hard when you are on the other end.Thanks so much...hugs!
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Hi Val,
You have been through a lot of hurt! I can share some personal experiences to kind of relate to and support you. There is a guy I dated for a year when I was 18...so about 11 years ago now. He was my first "boyfriend" but we started out as just "buddies." This topic is controversial...can a man and woman be "just friends?" I do think there is a high probability that one or the other will eventually develop some kind of feelings if not in a dating relationship. So, we broke it off after one year. We didn't talk for the longest, but he initiated contact with me while I was in college. It has been one of those situations where we talk and talk about ANYTHING stupid OR serious, laugh easily, have somewhat of an attraction to each other, and similar interests and views on life. We have had this weird out of sync expression of feelings going on over the years. Sometimes, he would hint at us being together, or leave me some sappy 80s love song on my voicemail...but I'd just kind of laugh it off with him the next day. Then, other times, I'll feel like I'm melting and want to tell him how much I care. But it'll be a period of time where he has come to terms with it not working out! We have talked about it, and do have mutual feelings, but because of our small differences in lifestyle/religion, we don't think it'd work out. Plus I think he is stubborn about our arguments sometimes. He would listen to my cry stories after I broke up with a boyfriend, tell me he'd go beat that jerk up! :) and I heard all of his mishaps with women! There have been times where we have had an argument, but we'd always talk again and work it out. Anyway, he has just bought a house in Indiana, my home state, and called me last night. I could almost hear a softness in his voice again as he told me he was looking out the window at the pretty country backyard. I sometimes think it will be ineveitable for us to at least have some romantic moment again, but I also think that if we got together, it might not work. I do love his friendship, but I think the best thing for us is not to rely on a man's friendship to a point where they are where we gain all of our strength and security. For example, even though sometimes I feel pulled to call him, I don't, because I think it would just make me feel too close or dependent on him, if that makes any sense. He is not my boyfriend, and sometimes, we start to act like we are, and it gets too confusing. So I am very grateful for what he and I have, and it's just best for us to keep it in a healthy balance. I am sorry that you have to deal with this situation. I'm thinking that as time goes by, and you truly move on, it may be safe to talk to him again as a friend and just keep it in check! I hope that helped and made some kind of sense. Take care, Melissa :)
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Melanie25 :),
I had the possibility of another guy and, when it dropped off (for various reasons - both ends, I think - perhaps even more so mine)... I realized it made me vulnerable and put me at an emotionally weaker position than I would be if I took the time and let my wounds heal. I think diving back in to a relationship (not saying any of you would, but I know it's easy to do - certainly for me!) would perhaps mix with my already delicate emotions. Love to all...
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Melanie...You described my relationship with him EXACTLY. We had that type of relationship,prior to becoming involved romantically.It was uncanny the way that you described the situation.We were just like that.I had been abused in my 17 year marriage and I was very very vulnerable when he came into my life.I was very needy then,I think,and just the fact that he was a person who listened and cared what my thoughts were,that we had conversations about everything...including our differences in religion,lol,made me really enjoy that time. I was vulnerable and feeling very rejected at the time and it was great to have a non threatening male interested in my life without seemingly wanting anything from me.
My best friend says that he was a manipulator from day one and played the part to get what he wanted.She said he had an agenda and I was too naive and trusting to see it. When I was in high school,I had a group of friends that I hung out with.There were 7 of us...only one that was also female.During those adolescence days,I had crushes on at least three of the guys...luckily never actually acted upon them,because we were very close.I can see how many people think that men and women can never be just friends,but I can also see that if they cross that line,it changes things. He made a comment one time to me that really hit home.I am a realist,but also believe that true romance CAN exist...but that it takes work and dedication to keep the fires burning on both ends.He was very very analytical and had to pick apart every action before acting.Due to that fact,there is the very real possibility that my best friend might have been right about it being a case of opportunity for him. Something that I failed to mention.I also am financially taken care of.It isn't like I am rich(not by a long shot)but I have enough guaranteed income to pay rent and utilities,etc. I wonder now if THAT was his angle.Not only did he have someone to help him get his kids back and cook,clean and take care of the boys(thus saving him day care costs)but he also had the added financial bonus of additional income. It's not very flattering,but could very well be the case. Positive...I agree with you,sometimes when feeling vulnerable,it is easy to dive into another relationship...often not a healthy one...just out of vulnerability.I will be 41 in three and a half weeks and being alone sucks,but I want my next relationship to be for the right reasons and not out of a rebound or need to just be with someone. Thanks to you all....it really does help to know that what I've been through,what I am feeling isn't just me.Hugs!
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Val, Melanie, you both have a wonderful way of trying to work this thing out. You are both doing the right things by being cautious. Val, trust me I know the pain and hurt of feeling like someone was with me because of what I could potentially be financially. While I am not well off, I even have a hard time making rent and electricity payments some months, my ex-husband knew that one day I would come into a very nice inheritance. My abuse included financial abuse, which is complicated by the fact that I was the primary breadwinner in the family (a very long story). When I found out during the divorce proceedings that he had lied to me for many years about a "business" he was running, my attorney simply told me that he expected it to be a non-issue because we would eventually inherit a nice sum that we could retire on. That I was so manipulated and naive still hurts to this day.
That being said, we should NEVER beat ourselves up about being naive. Not all people are like this. It is easy for us to get sucked into a relationship where he shows what appears to be true compassion and empathy for our situation. We are not so much naive, as we are trusting. To a certain degree, we expect others to have the same values we do, so we trust and act accordingly. This is not a failing, it is normal and actually a gift that causes us to sometimes be vulnerable to those who would take advantage of it. My dad had a way of twisting or rewording sayings. One of my faborites that he used was, "Hindsight is 20/20, foresight ain't so good." We can always rationalize what we could have done better after the fact, but the truth is, looking to the future, or even the present sometimes, is difficult if not impossible. The best we can hope for is to learn from the experience without becoming so jaded as to project this man's (or these men's) horrible habits onto everyone else and close ourselves off to any relationships. Being a hermit is no fun. Trust me on that one, I've been there. As for time healing things, yes that is a nice platitude, but the healing sometimes takes hard work. I suffer from PTSD which makes any relationship I have hard. When I first went into therapy and was diagnosed, my therapist told me that the rule of thumb for healing from a relationship, whether it ends badly as mine did or whether it is a case of a woman becoming a widow, is that it takes about half the time that the relationship lasted. It was daunting to think that it was going to take 11 years for me to "get over" what I had been through, but I am approaching the eight year mark and think that I have made great progress, but that there are still some things I may never "get over." I know that my problem with relationships has been somewhat opposite of yours. Rather than jumping into another relationship, I so terrified of becoming an abuse victim again, that I have avoided relationships. Right now I am great friends with a man I met while I was in seminary, and he lives half way across the country right now. We have talked at least weekly for the last two years, and things seem to be working their way around to closing the distance a little, but I am afraid. I am afraid that he will turn out like the other one, or like the ones you describe. I am also afraid that he won't, but that I will be totally unable to open myself up to allowing the relationship to bloom. Lots to fear. For me, the things that have pulled me through all of this is a good dose of therapy and my faith in God.
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Hi Val.
I am sorry to hear you suffered so much and that you are in pain over this last guy. But you sure do have a lot going for you. What a lady ! I almost cheered when you said you left him. Hooray ! What a great. great decision. And it is good you are financially ok and lots of things are going well for you. But I guess there is something important missing and you hoped this guy would meet that need. And he did seem to meet that need - at a distance. The thing is though that this was an illusion. True, he did some things you enjoyed and that helped you. But it was not a real relationship; just a bit of a real relationship in an unreal context. Once together, the rest of reality kicked in and it didn't work. And a lot of that reality we carry around in our heads: our ideas; our memories; our habits; the way we react, etc, etc. Two strangers met with expectations created in fantasy land and it just didn't work. I don't think you or we can say why this guy reacted as he did. We and you just don't really know him. He is an enigma apart from the ways he charmed, supported and amused you at a distance. One thing that concerned me though was that he behaved irresponsibily and lost custody of his kids. You skipped over that, but it sounds worth thinking about to me. It's a red flag. But you are trying to build a new life now. And there is a hole of need in it and you are thinking of him because of it. So you need a healthy antidote. You have good things in your life, but something is missing. He doesn't seem to be the answer so it is best if you do something other than ruminate about him. What can you do to fill your life satisfactorily with what you need? What do you need?
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I totally agree, revPatty!!!! We are too trusting - which is NOT a flaw - but a beautiful thing that people can stomp on if they are not beautiful in that way.
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Hi Ladies...First,I want to say that you are all amazingly insightful and I feel very lucky to have met each of you.I appreciate hearing your stories,learning your own strengths from going through similar experiences.
Patty...I am so sorry that your ex husband was such a liar and was after your money.You seem like an intelligent and heartfelt person and you deserve to be loved for the beautiful person that you are.That guy is the ultimate loser,and I am very,very glad that his plan blew up in his face. By the way,your dad sounds like a fun character...I also use sayings(drives my kids nuts,lol)but I love to laugh...so they always have my twist on them. Rose,you'll never know how your encouragement and compliment made my day today.I guess it's true that even an old dog needs a pat on the head sometimes,lol.My self esteem has always been good...despite the fact that I have always had a thyroid condition,fight to keep my weight down and am short.I just figured that this is what God gave me,and this is what I have to make the best of.But to be honest,after these failed relationships,I had been really beating myself up.I almost felt like there was something horribly flawed in myself that made it impossible to find a healthy relationship and maintain it. I now find that my priorities have changed.I really do not feel the need to have someone in my life to define who I am.Of course,it would be nice to have a man in my life(who wants to change their own oil or pump their own gas,lmao)but since I currently don't have a car...I guess I'm good,lmao. Rose,yes there is MUCH more to this story...especially pertaining to his kids.In the interest of not initially writing a novel,I condensed it. The truth is,I met him when we both were newly single parents(my ex husband left me,then moved back in and out...out of convenience when it suited him.)But during that time,I was really emotionally needy,and M seemed to be as well.His wife(supposedly)just took off with some carnies and left her two special needs children.They both took severe seizures and suffered from behavioral problems.Knowing now how irresponsible he is,I feel differently about her part,but at the time I was appauled that anyone would leave her very needy children like that.They needed constant supervision and specially made helmets,because they would go into spasms at any time.I thought it was just too much for an immature mother to deal with and she bolted...that was NOT the case. She recieved little to no help from him,he was a slob,was selfish and would ignore his children to play online games...to the point that his children were filthy,the house was full of garbage and take out food containers,and he wasn't even ensuring that the kids went to school...all of which I never knew,until I went there and his own mother told me the true story.He had lost his children about three years ago and I assumed that it was because he fell into a deep depression from having so much on his shoulders and dealing alone.He knew that I was a sympathetic parent because I lost primary custody of two of my three children because I was in a bad car accident and couldn't support them.He played on my maternal feelings and said on many occasions that if we got together,we could be a winning team and both sets of kids would have a stable family life,and we would fight for custody. He was court ordered to clean up his act,take parenting classes and prove his ability to be a responsible parent in order to get the kids back.My being there showed a stable,capable adult(even if HE wasn't)and someone able to take care of his kids.I know that this whole explaination is fairly lengthy,but sometimes the WHOLE story helps.I was only there a few weeks,but it was enough to see that he expected me to cook(I am a really good cook,or so I have been told)take care of the kids,when he got them,and clean.He would come home from work,grab a plate and dissapear into the bedroom,to play video games until bedtime.How that person could be the same person that dedicated hours upon hours of time listening to me,giving very sound advice.He was the ultimate actor,lol.It's not my intention to rehash what a skunk he is,but rather to just explain how I was duped into going there. Anyway...I think we should start a group of survivors of male cons,lol Here's to all of us,ladies...we are strong,and we are still here!!!
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Hi Val, I'm so glad I helped.
And I second that about pats. I've been thinking about that sort of thing lately, well the whole thing about what we need emotionally. We NEED pats... and company, and to share, listen, learn....so much. No wonder we get needy... we feel the pain of not getting what we need. And it can be such a downer. And then we can go and get sucked in by the jerks even though partly we see things... That guy you met seems to be a bad one. I'm glad you escaped. I'm currently reading good book that helps. It's by Frederic Flasch, a big psychiatrist with real insight. It's a book for the layperson unlike many other ones of his. It's called "The Secret Strength of Depression". It's unlike the usual helpful self help books on depression. There is stuff I am learning about going through tough times and lots of validation and "common" sense we need to hear. My gem from it yesterdat was his word "depressogenic", as in people and situations that bring us down because that is how it goes (like how we get constipated if we don't drink enough water; just natural cause and effect). That word, depressogenic, reinforces to me how we need anti depressgenic experiences. I'm still working on getting mine...Good luck with getting yours.
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