Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Are you in the USA or another country. I ask because of the bond you mention is for an area not your person.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say the legal system can't help unless the abuse was in the last 7 days. You need to do a couple of things...alert your local police authorities to what is going on. You need to be completely honest with them so they can help you. Second, you need a trusted friend or family member as well as neighbors to help you and keep an eye on anything suspicious. Your life is in danger. DO NOT go back to this man even if he promises you the world.

It will NOT get better. It will NOT get better. Yes, I wrote that twice because I want to be sure you understand that. I'm not trying to be harsh. I want you to be safe.

He sounds very, very dangerous. I would ask the police about the calls to him. Most likely they will tell you to stop calling him. Though, I understand why you are doing it.

Please contact the police and a battered woman's shelter to get help. Do it right away!

I wish you the best. Be careful of the control issue for going back to him. An abuser is always sorry for his behavior, they promise to change. How long will the change last if you go back to him? For an abuser to change, they have to want for themselves to change, they can't change just because you come back. In fact, it strengthens their abuse when you do come back. It is telling them you will take the abuse because even though they abuse you, you still come back. I use to go back over and over. You know what? The abuse just kept getting worse over time. He seen me as this forgiving person no matter how much he abused me. He knew in his heart I would come back. I have heard how he found God, how he would never really hurt me, how he missed me. Sad fact is, he missed the control, he no longer had a sense of being strong. His strength came through finding my faults and concentrating on what I done wrong in life. Not what he needed to work on. You said you are afraid he will find you and kill you. What about if you go back and eventually he might kill you. I care about you and like me, you have to make your own choices. Me, I will never go back to an abusive situation, nor will I ever run a person down who does go back to an abuser. I wish to always help a person who is being abused. Help consists of even if the person who is being abused goes back. I know all your fears, been there and done that. I hope you find peace and tell yourself everyday, I am somebody and I do not deserve to be abused. The only way it really stops is when you make it stop. I realized I had spent so many years being abused, and not simply being able to have some sort of peace. Plus, my son was harmed by all the emotional abuse. That is the price I paid. Nothing worth it.

Thank you all for all of your responses. It helps get feedback and not keep all of this in my head.

I live in the USA. Actually from what I understand the condition of the bond stated that he could not email, phone, come into direct contact etc. with me or he would go back to jail until his hearing. The courts were suppose to inform me when he was released from jail, but they didn't and he showed up on my doorstep upon his release. I had no way to call to tell anyone as he never let me out of his sight. He still has not had a hearing and that was April of 2007. I have requested the original paper work but have not received it yet. The copy I had is gone with everything else I ever owned. The lady at the Domestic Violence Outreach Office where I am now, told me the above information concerning the bond condition and 7 days stipulation on getting a TPO. It just seems like I have to wait until he tries something until I can get protection and by then who know if I'll even need it with his anger. He has been diagnoised with Personality Disorder (Abusive, Pyschotic and Anti-Social) BiPolar and Anger Management issues. I would have never guessed from how he acted when we first met. He hid it well. Very charming and knew exactly what I needed. Then after just a few months of marriage he started showing his true self. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust a man again as I never expected this from him.

They are good at hiding their behavior. That's what makes it all the more dangerous. I watched my ex in amazement at how he would flip jeckyll and hyde. They are a jack of their trade. They only care about their appearance and their needs.

Write me if you ever need to talk. Take care.

I understand why you call him, so you can be assured of his location, but I think its dangerous to call him for two reasons
First, it stirs him up, he is obviously "attached" to you in an unhealthy way, and I think the regular contact will keep that more alive in him
Second, You are exposed to him and this makes it harder for you to move on

So I wonder if there is any other way to be assured of where he is.
Having someone else call? (would have to be someone very, very trustfworthy)
Hiring a PI? (probably too expensive)

I know this must be very hard for you, but you are doing exactly what you need to do to take care of yourself

Oh my gosh you are posting what happened to me. I use to date this guy 20 years ago and I ran into him at my brother in laws one Christmas, he was in Church doing so well so kind, interested in my son and I was swept away and one month after we were married this jealous, verbally abusive, spit at me throw fits and break things, and I learned what "Borderline Personality Disorder/Bipolar" can do. It is vicious. And as you said no clue it manifests when they are in a close relationship so I read. Let me know if you want to talk about it. You will get better and I did get a restraining order which he continually violated but I recorded, documented, copied and called the cops every single time, even if he mailed me something. They finally got him and once the DA got ahold of him I never have heard a word from him again and that has been over two years ago. Hang in there and God Bless you.

First of all, I think you need some real solid legal advice. You have filed charges on a man and he hasn't had a hearing yet and it's been a YEAR? Talk to the DA. Find out what the hold-up is. You need to be free from this man and he needs to be locked away so you are safe. If you get no satisfaction from the DA, contact a divorce attorney. They have a way of stirring the pot so that action finally happens.

By all means, do not call him. It upsets you and he then has a way of manipulating you and keeping you imprisoned by fear. If you are at a DV shelter, it should help keep you safe. If you are not, make sure that you are staying with someone you trust and someone he doesn't know or wouldn't expect. Your best friends and family will be the first place he will look. By you calling him, he feels empowered simply because he knows he still has some hold on you.

If you don't get satisfaction from the DA or your attorney, you can try to make some waves by contacting your congressman/woman or even a local TV or radio station. Your story is certainly sensational enough to raise the hairs on the head of station/news executives, and the benefit is that it would raise awareness of the inaction by your local law enforcement as it pertains to DV. Make them guarantee anonymity by masking and/or altering your face/voice for your own protection, but what you are describing here is a blatant miscarraige of justice.

The seven day restriction on the restraining order should be challenged. There is a statute of limitations on this type of crime that is more like 7 years, so that discrepancy is far from reasonable. If you make some waves, perhaps you can shift the sand on the beach a little bit.

I was very much like you.I was a prisoner in my own life and I felt isolated and alone.My ex husband was so good at deception that he acted like the perfect husband when others were around.I tried crying out to family members...who actually went behind my back and talked...saying that I was EXAGGERATING and that there was no way he was like that.He would flip like a switch,without provocation...yanking me out of bed,after coming home drunk in the middle of the night.Only after I silently dialed my mother's number and sat the phone down in the clothes basket where he didn't see it...and she heard a vicious attack,did anyone believe me. Well,I finally left him,fled to another state and tried to start a fresh life.I was actually hired to head up a woman's shelter and clothing store that helped fund the shelter.I missed my family,so I moved back home,in with my mother and was doing well.I became involved with a man who I met online and we moved in together.Not only was that situation actually WORSE but he threatened my extended family,was hauled out three times by the police and was ordered BY THE DA to have no contact.I found out that the man had previous protection orders by two other women in another state.Every time he promised to quit drinking,promised to respect me and it would never happen again...but it always did.Not until a third party intervened did I finally manage to live free. The facts are that most murders occur after the victim has already established a history of abuse with the local police departments.Abusers always swear they will change and seek help and say they LOVE their victims...but is control,sexual or physical abuse,and verbal attacks love?
If you have any record of an abusive pattern,then that should be enough to establish a protection order.A lot of times,the police will put victims in touch with your local women shelter/victim of violent crime advocates or programs designed to protect families from abuse.There are many resources available...but they won't do you much good if you decide to keep in touch with him.You may feel compelled to keep in touch with him,but the best thing to do is a clean break.Often there are people who will help with any contact issues.There are non profit legal resources too.Call your local assistance office,social services or women's shelter to see what help you can get.But I cannot stress this enough....break contact,do not respond to any contact that he may make.If you don't respond,most men will move on because they no loner have any power over you.By being his victim,you were empowering his victory over you.I have been there,I know the fear,uncertainty and loss of self esteem due to constant abuse...but you can be strong and you can get out from under this...but you have to stick to your guns and do not allow him to have this power over you.