Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Hi Jennifer. This is my totally uneducated opinion.

I think that people who were abused as kids could possibly abuse others as adults. But, just because you were abused does not mean that you will abuse. I think there are other factors that will be a deciding factor in that as well. It is also very possible that kids who were abused will grow up to find a mate that will abuse them because they feel they deserve that. I don't feel I'm giving you a great answer here.

As far as you being enraged with your husband, I think that you might have done this in response to all the abuse. A person can only take so much. It almost sounds to me like battered woman's syndrome. The woman starts to fight back and may even mame, attack or kill her abuser out of self-preservation and from years of abuse.

I had said nasty things back to my ex and even yelled at him. I was too afraid to throw anything or defend myself from him. Usually when I raised my voice or got sarcastic, he got worse with me so I would calm down or leave him alone.

Does that help? I'd be interested to hear what others have to say.

Take care!
Amanda

I have experienced this but it was out of character and I am much better at detaching now when provoked by a passive aggressive abuser with psychopathic streaks (at least) like my husband. It is a learning curve.

Also we can have abusive learned patterns that we don't even realise are there or are that till they get triggered. So we need to recognise, repent, unlearn and relearn.

A book that explains a lot and is very cheap 2nd hand at Amazon.com is Les Carter and Frank Minirth's "The Anger Workbook". I got insight after insight and validation from the explanations in this book. I am so glad I found it.

Hi Amanda,
Thanks for replying so quickly. As you can imagine, I'm pretty confused. One of my closest friends is a non-practicing (though trained) psychologist and she said it's "classic battered women's syndrome" and advised me to get out of there quickly. I guess the main thing I know for sure - that my abuser doesn't know - and what makes me feel slightly reasonable (at a time I feel totally broken because I couldn't make it work out) - is that I know what I've done is unacceptable - and must end - and he thinks nothing at all of violence, verbal and emotional abuse. In other words - I have a conscience, thank God... even if it's the only thing I have left. Thank you again.

I have WANTED to hit him or throw something at him, but as of yet have not done so.

But then again, I have not been with my husband for as long as you have.

Are you in counseling? It may help you to talk to a professional about this, and get a better idea of why this happened to you, and how you can make sure it never happens again.

I surely do understand why you did what you did, it is called Battered Women's Syndrome.

I have retaliated, but don't be too hard on yourself. It might not be the right way to respond, but part of me has a similar opinion to Amanda and that is "a person can only take so much."

I find I feel the urge to punch a man in the face when he is tearing me apart emotionally to make me feel worthless.

Thanks to all who replied. I just spent a while reading about "Battered Women's Syndrome" and I'm convinced I made the right decision to leave. I don't know why it didn't occur to me to educate myself on the topic before - denial, I admit. I only started reading about emotional/physical/verbal abuse 2 weeks ago, too... even though friends and family have suggested both things over the past 15 years. Thank you all again.

I am highly educated and experienced and in a helping profession, but it did not occur to me that I was in an abusive marriage till I was married for 10 years. It was NOT denial. I just did not know and neither did the helping professions I went to because I was in (psychological and emotional) pain. They gave me a clean bill of health and that was it. But I was still miserable. Of course I was. My husband's behavior was dreadful, but I genuinelydid not put the focus or blame on him (I took responsibility for hoe I felt and basically internalised his blame) and so nobody suspected (or checked).

I am a very quiet well spoken kind hearted person and yet my H could torment me with his abuse to the point where I would loose it. I would scream stamp my feet get hysterical etc. I was never abusive as far as I recall but I can see why someone else might have been in my position. Remember there is no normal response to a combat situation which is essentially what abuse is!!

One thing I did take away from my experience is that I did not like the person I became when I was around my H. I still miss him badly but I feel more at peace with myself if that makes any sense

JenniferHP...I became my stbx...the worst part is, i kept telling him that, and speaking those words but stayed for quite some time. I punched him as hard as I possible could in the face...I have never in my life hit anyone or was ever in a fight...I spit in his face...I threw things at him...so not me. The sad thing is, I really thing they enjoy it because your are becoming them, and "just as bad"...Get out and stay out...If i would have left years ago, I could have kept my dignety...so my answer to your question is yes, abuse does breed abuse...noone can endure the crap abusers throw at them time and time again...I am sooo glad he is finally gone...although I still must endure his crap...I only have to deal with him once or twice a week with custody exchange...not 7 days like I had to...suprising how calm I am now that he is gone...I used to be so on edge all the time...not anymore.