Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is u...
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upset husband
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I have been with my wife for ten years. Some good memories and some bad memories. I always wanted her gone so I can be alone. I have been asking for a divorce for years and now that I have finally talked her into it I realize something. She's a pretty good woman. I have never cried until today when I was looking for online consentual divorce papers and I was answering questions on why I want a divorce. I realize what unsupportive means and I realize that I am verbally abusive. I say alot of things in fun but really bothers my wife. I didn't know until her mother called me asking me to try and work it out. She told me alot of things that I didn't know about how my wife felt and why. I feel very low right now and don't know what to do. I can't even get counsel with out a court order or being the abusee. So I come here and ask women who have been with someone like me what to do. I do love her and never meant hurt her but I don't know what she wants. I want to tell her how I feel but even to me it sounds untrue. I have decided to pamper her everyday now but is it too late? Should I try to keep her or should I let her go without trying so it will make the divorce easier? Regardless of what happens, I'm not going to be that same person! I am known for being a easy to love person and I try to push away someone who would give their life for me. I swear I didn't know I hurt her so much. I just don't understand what women want or what they don't want. I'm just a clown who likes to have fun but not at anyone's expense.
Posted on 05/15/08, 04:05 pm |
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Yes, good for you and thank you for your encouragement.
It may at some stage help to be aware that counselling for people with abuser mindsets and habitual reactions has a VERY BAD track record GENERALLY. This is for all sorts of reasons (eg, see Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?"). This finding is well documented. Leaving out a whole load of reasons and which don't seem to apply to you anymore, from what you say, the big problem is lack of appropriate counsellor knowledge and technique. You need somebody with advanced professional training and experience. I am talking of basically a psychologist or psychiatrist. If the person is basically a "talk" counsellor, you are going to have to get lucky. You may need to hang grimly onto your own insights and determination and to take what you want and leave the rest, supplementing the crumbs with much reading. You really need a THERAPIST who specialises in both abuse and personal change and healing (for both of you, individually and maybe later together). Couple counselling right now will probably be a disaster as that is what happens in cases like yours. There is this great rose coloured fantasy out there that counselling cures all. No it doesn't. They just don't know and are repeating received wisdom, are overgeneralizing, or are lying through their teeth. That author I mentioned before, Terrence Real, is good. Also Frederic Flach. There is a book by Stosny called "You don't have to take it" that may be a great help. But I caution you strongly against his next book and it makes me wonder where the hell the guy is at now; he seems to have lost the plot and gone into abus (he was a badly abused child). Therapist are human. But I really liked the book of his I mentioned and it may be the one for you so i am mentioning it with a caveat. 
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