Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is u...
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What to do re his games ?
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I have a long term issue with my husband of 25 years in that he is not a team player and is not into discussions. Trying to get him to talk with me about something turns out just as it does when we try to move furniture together, for example. I get hurt however hard I try to avoid this, eg, by vigilance and dodging looming dangers. He likes to be boss; and he is nasty. If its furniture I get bumpted and crushed - the fingers get it the worst. Verbally he is convoluted and nasty, just as Patricia Evans describes an abuser in her "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". I get messed somehow all the time - my heart gets hurt the most.
This matter has become far more serious over the past few years as I think he is considering retirement and can then access all our assets - just run with me on that one; believe me, it makes sense. He has always controlled the finances and actually has subjected me all along to financial abuse. Now I am worried that he will end our marriage AND take all the money and leave me with nothing. This will put an end to so much in my life, including really basic things like where I can live and work (I work from home). This COULD happen if he is clever enough about it and I do not act before he retires. I would like him to talk about this and have us reach an agreement. Is this hoping for the impossible? As I have no money, there is not a lot I can do. Lately he is overseas and is communicating with me by emails. They don't say much and are absolutely impersonal. I wrote to him and said our sis in law (his brother's sister) rang me and pumped me about what I thought his future plans were. He wrote back (this was today) and said "What do you think my future plans are?". I wrote back and said "We need to talk, but not like that". It's like a cat and mouse saga. What do you think I can and should say and do? Posted on 05/14/08, 09:05 am |
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I would see a lawyer. I am living in Canada right now, and so the laws might be different, but with respect to his pension, at least in Canada, you are entitled to half for all the years you were/are with him. If you have a house, you are entitled to half the profits even if nothing is in your name, half of all the possessions you accummulated during your marriage, etc.
I'm not sure if you've been reading my other posts, but my husband took off about 5 days ago. I was worried he clear out the joint savings account, I felt guilty about withdrawing money without his knowledge. In the end, I went to the bank and took half because I couldn't trust him to do the right thing due to financial abuse in the past, and I have a daughter to think about in addition to myself. If he does leave you at some future point, you will need to see a lawyer. A lawyer can make sure you get half of everything you are entitled to irregardless of what your husband thinks he can do with the money. I am sitting in a house right now and my name isn't on the mortgage or land title. I just have to make sure, if he tries to sell it, that I see a lawyer who will intervene and secure my fair share of any profits. As long as you have money now and the bills are being paid and he is contributing, then try not to worry about it. I have driven myself crazy in the past with "What if he ...") To be honest, it might not be a bad idea to see a lawyer ahead of time. There is nothing wrong with making an appointment to determine your rights ahead of time. If you know what our rights are, you will worry less, and what he says about or doesn't say about the possessions or money won't matter so much, because you'll know your rights! 
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HI
Susan is right, dont sit around and wait for him to make a move. Try and get soem control over your life now anf in the future and make some moves that are going to offer you some security. It seems a little strange to me that this is an issue that is being discussed by his family, so obviously there is something going on. Dont leave it all in his hands. Find out your rights, and if need be start an emergency fund of you own where you can tuck some money away for a rainy day. Brian
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Yes, I like Brian's idea about an emergency fund. If you can find a way to put one together, he won't be able to take control and make you worry about how you're going to make ends meet. Also, I had an after thought, as he is overseas a lot, it might be even more important to determine your rights and find out what he can and cannot do. Being aware of this ahead of time, could be very important, you may never use this information, but if you do have to at some point, you'll know what to do and when to do it.
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I agree with Susan and Bfox:-)
I live in Canada too(thankfully). In my relationship it took eight years of being together before I would agree to a joint account with my husband. That said,I also have a private bank account that only I have access too. I'm already pumping money into that account but as far as my hubby knows there's nothing in there:-p I'm not bashing anyone(please don't be offended),I just wonder how it's possible today to control finances without your partner being able to access the money too? Is it that he has a private account only in his name? Don't you have any legal rights? A friend of mine(who is in the same situation as you) is in a bind. My friend got upset last christmas and since hubby will spend "his" money freely but limits what he gives her(that year he would only give her a couple hundred to buy gifts for their daughters) so she went and got a credit card in her name(she's a SAHM). She's sneaking around behind his back,he has no clue about the credit card or her problems trying to pay off the minimum each month. What disturbs me is the fact that he makes more than my husband and I combined and yet he puts her in a 'beg for any extra money and I'll decide whether to give it to you or not' and spends freely whenever he wants something. Sorry to get so long winded...
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I agree with Susan and Bfox:-)
I live in Canada too(thankfully). In my relationship it took eight years of being together before I would agree to a joint account with my husband. That said,I also have a private bank account that only I have access too. I'm already pumping money into that account but as far as my hubby knows there's nothing in there:-p I'm not bashing anyone(please don't be offended),I just wonder how it's possible today to control finances without your partner being able to access the money too? Is it that he has a private account only in his name? Don't you have any legal rights? A friend of mine(who is in the same situation as you) is in a bind. My friend got upset last christmas and since hubby will spend "his" money freely but limits what he gives her(that year he would only give her a couple hundred to buy gifts for their daughters) so she went and got a credit card in her name(she's a SAHM). She's sneaking around behind his back,he has no clue about the credit card or her problems trying to pay off the minimum each month. What disturbs me is the fact that he makes more than my husband and I combined and yet he puts her in a 'beg for any extra money and I'll decide whether to give it to you or not' and spends freely whenever he wants something. Sorry to get so long winded...
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Thank you for replying, Susan151, bfox999, and Choam2008.
I didn't see your posts, Susan. I've only been on DS a bit lately. You're doing well with a tough situation. I wish I was too. I started to reply to this earlier but it got way too long so I put the bulk of it as a journal entry on my profile if anybody wants to look. It explains my basic marital situation. I can't affird a lawyer right now as I have no spare money. My money situation is worrying me sick, probably literally. My husband's attitude to his wage is that it is his and he spends it, but only on what he wants. So anything I earned got spent. It's in my journal. We don't have a joint account and there is no housekeeping money. He does the household shopping. I am trying to save from what I earn but the money goes out as it comes in, at least so far. With time, it would get better with time if my basic circumstances didn't change, but I fear that will be way too slow. I do need to see a lawyer NOW. I have "legal rights" but there are none here that say a husband should give his wife housekeeping or not take the money before they officially break up and hide it. Once I go for a divorce I will PROBABLY get half, but only if it is there to get. Eg, he mortgage our house about 6 yrs ago (I just recalculated that timeline; how time flies when you are in hell) and distributed that wherever. That money is gone, in effect. It was a lot of money.
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Rosem, I am sorry about your situation. I am touched that you are willing to help others in the midst of your pain. God bless you, and know that you are a special woman.
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Do you have legal aid where you are? In Alberta, We have the Legal Aid Society of Alberta. A local womens shelter told me about it. You could try phoning a local shelter in your area. They might be able to refer you to a similar organization or they might know of some lawyers that do work for a nominal fee. As for myself, I've been through Legal Aid, other times I've hired a lawyer directly but due to my situation I had to phone several lawyers (and deal with several rejections), but eventually found one who agreed to take small payments because that is was all I could afford. Also, here, many lawyers will give you a free consultation and at least give you a basic idea of where you stand/what your options are. Perhaps, there is a lawyer in your area that would do this.
As for remortgaging, the money might be gone but don't take his word for it. I'd keep my eye out for paperwork (bank statements, account numbers, things like that. It's up to you, these are just some ideas you might like to keep in the back of your mind.
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Thanks melanie.
My religious beliefs say we should give, and that we should especially when we are in pain and need.
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Thanks Susan.
Yes, I checked out the legal aid route. It wasn't available for this when I checked but I suppose I should recheck as it has been a couple of years. My father (now dead) gave me money for a visit to a lawyer a few years ago. It didn't help at all, but I have got basic information from a free women's legal service staffed by volunteer lawyers. Basically I need money to do anything now so I suppose I am stuck and he can do what he likes and take everything. Even if I could pay for a first visit and then free till the divorce, I can hardly live on the street after the house is sold. The paid lawyer I saw said to sell my stuff and send the pets to the pound. And there goes my livelihood too. I guess it is just in the too hard basket. That's how it seemed to me before I posted this topic.
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