Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Hey Melanie! I am where you are at. But, when I think of it, I tried so many times to tell him something was wrong. Now I have the ammo, so to speak, about his narcissism, his passive-aggressive disorder, and his anger and emotional abuse. I've read about it, talked to a therapist and see that is his problem and I'm not at fault like he said. I want to tell him this. BUT, it would do no good. He truly thinks it is all me and he is perfect. It is so hard.

The hardest part of this whole thing is that we realize it isn't us and want to fix it and can't with the abuser.

Hang in there Melanie. Write a letter to him but don't send it to him.

I find that anger is my defense mechanism to hide from the pain. It sounds like you are a practicing Christian so you should know that anger isn't wrong, but you should be careful when you do start to become angry. Do not let it control you or put off what you need to do to move on. Right now it's about dealing with the pain and hurt and then learning to forgive (not for his sake, but for yours lest you become bitter and take it out on future relationships!) and moving on. Forgiving him does not mean you should go back to him! It's about breaking the emotional ties you have to him and, while not condoning his abusive bahaviour, forgiving him for the pain he has caused you and move on. It is NOT healthy to continue to try and get the last word in on a relationship. Let him think what he wants to think, and let him do what he wants to do. Let God take care of him...the Bible also says that "God will not be mocked; a man reaps what he sows"- he is sowing seeds of abuse in this life and it will come back and "bite him in the butt" so to speak. Right now, it's completely up to you to choose to let it go and let God work in both of you or to hang on to the relationship hoping that he will see the light! Right now the proverbial "ball" is your court! Good luck sweetie!!

Thanks everyone. In my heart, I know it's best to let it be now...He and I've already beat it up, analyzed it all, pointed the finger at the other, said we needed to both grow, tho now he says he won't act angry with someone else...I've been willing to admit my faults, but he controls the conversation in a way that makes it difficult for me to express myself, my fears, and my issues. It's like he beats me over the head with what I do wrong, then I'm speechless as to how to even address what he says! He does have some points, but doesn't deserve my willingness to work through anything with him! I need to work through my feelings, forgive and let God give me peace.

I think the following perception of grief is very interesting - I AGREE COMPLETELY! Melanie25 >:-), My compassion is totally with you, as I, too, am going through the anger stage. I find that, actually, when I have contact with him, I slip from the re-organization phase back to the anger ("volatile reactions"). I say, VENT AWAY! I am finding this to be a site where I can be REAL - where people totally understand. Embrace that and be you. :)

Some researchers such as Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and others have posited sequential stages including denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, which are commonly referred to as the "grief cycle". As research progressed over the past 40 years, many who worked with the bereaved found stage models too simplistic and instead began to look at processes, dynamics, and experiences common to all. John Bowlby, a noted psychiatrist, outlined the ebb and flow of processes such as Shock and Numbness, Yearning and Searching, Disorganization and Despair, and Reorganization. Bowlby and Parkes both note psychophysiologic components of grief as well. Included in these processes are:


[edit] Shock and denial (disbelief)
Feelings of unreality, depersonalization, withdrawal, and an anesthetizing of affect. The person feels unable to come to terms with what just occurred.


[edit] Volatile reactions
"Whenever one's identity and social order face the possibility of destruction, there is a natural tendency to feel angry, frustrated, helpless, and/or hurt. The volatile reactions of terror, hatred, resentment, and jealousy are often experienced as emotional manifestations of these feelings." (see the article entitled The Grieving Process by Michael R. Leming and George E. Dickinson)


[edit] Disorganization and despair
These are the processes commonly associated with bereavement: the mourning and severe pain of being away from the loved person or situation.


[edit] Reorganization
Reorganization is the assimilation of the loss of something or someone and redefining of life and meaning without the person that has been lost.


[edit] Risks
Many studies have looked at the bereaved in terms of increased risks for stress-related illnesses. Colin Murray Parkes in the 1960s and 1970s in England noted increased doctor visits, with symptoms such as abdominal pain, breathing difficulties, and so forth in the first six months following a death. Others have noted increased mortality rates (Ward, A.W. 1976) and Bunch et al found a five times greater risk of suicide in teens following the death of a parent. Grief puts a great stress on the physical body as well as on the psyche, resulting in wear and tear beyond what is normal.

Nice...Thanks. I think I am in reoorganization - slash angry feelings. So somewhere in between!!

The source of positiveions quote is http://www.forgottengrief.com/grie... The topic is bereavement.