Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

I wrote this as a journal, but I wanted to post it here as well...

I keep hearing myself say that a lot lately. I came back to DS, because I'm NOT ok!!! For those of you that know me, and know my situation, I got out of a highly abusive marriage in October, it took a year of planning and scheming and a lot of support from my friends on here to finally make the move to leave... then in December I met the love of my life right here on DS. The past few months have been a whirl wind of changes, emotions, and learning experiences... I thought my x had finally come to terms with the impending divorce... he was served the papers in late April, while he was in jail no less... when he got out, he seemed ok... he seemed like he had come to terms with everything, he was calm, and seeing the kids every week... well a few weeks after he got out of jail he was supposed to see the kids at my mother's house. I hadn't heard from him much since he had been out of jail, but he called me that Saturday to see if he could see the kids on Sunday. I told him that I would drop the kids off at 10 am. Well, he still hadn't shown up by 11 so my mom said that they kids could just stay over there so they wouldn't be too disappointed. I went and ran some errands and got home around 2:30. As soon as I walked in the door, I knew something was wrong... I had this horrible feeling that someone was in my house... I walked through and didn't see anything so I just thought I was being paranoid... I changed my clothes and started cleaning the house. Around 4 I was vacuuming the floor when someone put their hand over my mouth and grabbed me from behind. I immeadiatly knew that it was my x, J. He picked me up and dragged me into my bedroom and threw me face down on the bed, I turned myself over and saw that it WAS J, he was dressed in a tank top, boxers and his socks. I begand to kick and scream and ask him what he was doing there. He put the pillow over my face, I was fighting him and kicking and trying to get away, but he wouldnt let me... he ripped off my shorts and stuck his fingers inside me... I kicked him in the nose and almost got out of the room before he grabbed me again... he was behind me with his arm around my neck and he told me that he brought a gun... I didn't know what to do, but I just kept moving, I figured that he would run out of stamina before I did and as long as I kept moving I would be ok... he picked me up and put me back on the bed. He was behind me with his legs sizzered over mine and his arms holding mine down so I couldn't do anything... I was able to wiggle and arm free and I scratched his face. That was when I saw a pair of pliars beside the bed... he tried to put duct tape over my mouth and my hands, but I got my arm free again and grabbed the pliars, I jammed them hard into his knee and tried to hit him in the head. He grabbed my arm and that was the first time he looked into my face. I tried to focus all of my energy on softening my face. I was crying so hard! I started begging him, I told him that I made a mistake, that I loved him and that we could talk about everything, I wouldn't tell anyone about this, but he had to let me go... that I couldn't talk to him like this, I needed to put some clothes on and breathe for a second. I could see the conflict in his face, but he slowly let me go... I scooted to the edge of the bed and slowly put my clothes back on, I walked very calmly into the livingroom, praying that my phone was still on the table, it was. I grabbed it and ran out the house as fast as I could. I fell down the steps in front of my house, but I got back up and ran to my car. I pulled out to the end of the driveway and called the police...



That was almost a month ago... I still have not heard from the detective assigned to my case, he is still free, and I have not heard from him since the next day when he called me to ask me to drop the charges... I told him to go to hell. I can't talk about this with anyone in my RL. Not even my wonderful boyfriend, he knows all about it, but he doesn't pressure me to talk about it, thank GOD! But it is all I think about... I dream about it every night... I don't know what to do! I feel so lost, I live in fear every day that J is going to find me and finish what he started. I hear his voice, asking me, as he is attacking me, why I was doing this to him, why I wanted to be someone one else, telling me that he was going to take what he wanted...



I can only talk about this here, I can't talk to anyone else...
Posted on 05/09/08, 11:05 am