Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

RUN..you cant change him and things will only get worse there is NEVER an excuse for being abusive emotionally or otherwise

when it comes to salvaging a marriage, both people have to be invested in doing their part.

when it comes to helping someone who won't get professional help, the first thing to do is study the difference between "enabling" and truly helping. So many times, in the interest of 'helping' someone who we 'understand' more than they are willing to understand themselves, we just end up reinforcing the behavior, and essentially making room for them to continue. Sometimes the best form of help is to give someone a good swift kick to the curb. Losing someone you love, even if you act like it isn't a big deal at first, is ultimately a great waker-upper for some people. I know that my dad is a much better husband to his second wife as a result of having to look in the mirror and realize that he was the real reason why he lost his first wife (my mom).

Essentially, the person you need to help is yourself. It doesn't mean that you have to be cold or discompassionate to the truth of his issues, but you CAN NOT let his issues become an excuse to mistreat you. You can love him without living with him, you can care for him without taking his crap... but you can't help anyone who isn't helping themselves. You have to help yourself. Set boundaries and limits for yourself. Determine what you will not tolerate, and have a plan. If he won't go to counseling with you, then go by yourself, but don't go under the heading of "how to stay in an abusive relationship"... but rather, to learn about what it is that you are empowered to do, and what you aren't... to learn about what things in your own personality make you wanna fix him, and to learn what things in yourself you can fix so that you can respect yourself enough to tolerate nothing less from anyone else, regardless. You never know, just working on yourself might make an impact on the dynamic of your relationship... but whether it does or not, you will come out better in the end either way.

Ok, he has some problems and if you are trying to help him when/if he really won't get help, you are "enabling" him and making him less likely to seek help. And you could be codependent and that actually is a kind of abuse if you look a bit deeper.

Have you both tried marital therapy. In asking this I do not have a clear idea of what your marriage is like or how the fights go. Maybe therapy will help, maybe not. But taking the fact that the guy has said abusive and rejecting things can not be made into, per se, the fact that the guy is really an abuser or that you aren't yourself. You may have a part in this too and an expert will help you sort out what is going on.

In any case, it will probably help to step back and try to see what is going on. And getting caught up in fights doesn't help anything.

I don't know what a "males' pov's" is. I'm assuming I don't have one. Sorry.

he doesnt sound very nice. i have gad, and u gotta learn to take responsibility for it, for yrself. if he suffers from depression he is so hurt and would have difficulty getting close, so he says mean things when u get close cos he scared. but just cos he has gad doesnt give him any excuse to act like an asshole to you.

thanks for the replies! 'course i know there is always more to any story as there is mine(see journal entry). i know theres no excuse but i am trying to make up for what i have done and make myself a better person again. thank you.

I hope you won't blame yourself for anything. It is not the same as seeing what is going on and fixing what is in your power to fix. We can only do the best we can at a particular time.

I wasn't criticizing you. I was just looking at the issue you presented and saying what sense I made of it and how I thought you could try to improve things, which is what I assumed you were wanting to do.

I took this approach because that usually the way to make things go better is to know what is going wrong and to fix it, like not putting too much butter in a cake mix.

rosem1111, no offense or anything like that was taken. i guess i was just talking to myself 'out loud'. i just wanted to thank everyone for their feedback. =)

No worries. I hope it works out.

OK...you may despise me for this...but who cares if he has depression or anything else? Do you honestly think that any grown man has the right to say to his wife what your husband has said to you? He won't get any help or therapy because in his mind nothing is wrong with him. Any help you give him, any hoop you jump through, any changes you make solely to make him act/feel a certain way is nothing more than emotional blackmail on his part. He doesn't have to do anything and you do it all.

Yes my ex was a victim of depression. He was also an alcoholic. But what he mostly was was an abuser. I tried to treat the depression and alcohol like they were aliens that had taken over his body, but they weren't. Eventually, after the umpteenth time he refused to get help, I came to realize that what they were were his excuses. That was how he kept me feeling sorry for him. They gave him every excuse he ever need to keep right on abusing me. And because I loved him and because I wanted to help him, I stayed far longer than I should have. He would say the most horrific things in public, he would beat me black and blue, he would rape me. I would blame the depression or the alcohol.

Eventually you are going to need to protect yourself and not him. If you are not ready to leave this relationship then your best bet is counseling or therapy for yourself. There is a trick called "detachment". When ever your abuser starts abusing, just turn your back and walk away. Do not talk, do not respond, do not stay there and let him rain abuse down on you. This isn't going to make it stop, but it will remove you from the situation.