Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

I feel for you in your pain.

Maybe the pain will never go. But that doesn't mean you should take him back or that it won't change or get more manageable.

I think it will help if you work at building yourself up and getting a full and satisfying life.

listen to yourself and not him
your heart aches for the man you thought he was
every time you take him back you get him the real deal and not the guy you thought he was
you will never have that guy because he doesn't exist, dont waste anymore of your life on a ghost

take steps to protect yourself, can you get to a place where he cant get back in touch with you? probably not, so you will be vulnerable when ever he does, so you need to build up your defenses

make a commitment to yourself not to take him back, write it down and sign it

build up your self esteem and confidence through counselling, support from friends, and new interests

dont open the door to more heartache

I love this last post. So wise.

I know...I am just preaching to the choir! I don't know WHAT I would do if my exbf called in a few months. I will have to keep you guys posted...I do hope I would be strong enough to remember the pain, and to know that even IF he WANTS to treat me right he DOESN'T know how. Also, it might help to remember that this is really just a control game for them. Let's not fall for it again, no matter how much our hearts tell us that he loves us deep down inside. My ex is VERY convincing that he needs to work on his issues, that it can't be my fault, but the tables eventually ALWAYS turn back on me. You don't want to live like that. I ache for him too, inside, but I know I am only longing for what I wanted it to be...He is not a REAL man, and I doubt that your H is either!!! Of course you feel connected to him...you gave yourself to him. But what did he do with it?? Wiped the floor with you. Don't let him ever have access to you again! No matter what they may tell us, we are in two different realities, and I feel that I would have to have a therapist by my side in every moment to reinforce my feelings and tell him how ridiculous he is (cause he doesn't listen to me - only cusses me out and threatens to hit me) if I were to ever try to live with him!

My heart echoes your pain. I divorced my husband of 14 years just four months ago. He was unfaithful, said hateful things about my appearance to demean and control me and isolated me from family and friends. He has a new girlfriend and is continuing the same pattern with her. Even though he still tells me I'm undesirable, he continues to try to get back into my life each time they break up (and let me tell you it's often because he is so toxic). Even though I know all this; I still find myself hurting for the "man" I thought he could be, "if only"... But, now I realize I deserve SO much better; and I am trying to regain the self-esteem I had before I met this very sick man. I wish you the best and am here to help any way I can.

It can take a while. I still think "what if..." but then I think "Who matters more... MYSELF" and I let it be. It hurts love... but nothing impossible

I still have the serious moments of pain, pangs of love, and love lost..

I think your heart yearns for the pieces, that were right..loving and good...

The big shame is..we can't have the love we thought it could be..because they kept sabatoging it, causing us pain, betrayal, hurt, along with disrespect, abandonment..and totally unacceptable behaviour...

It hurts to have to move on, when you do..and it hurts to have to let it go..it hurts that the odds were well stacked against you...

lets look to the hurt fading..in time..and I know it does...

When you say he is extremely pursuasive and convincing it makes me think that he is the kind of guy who knows just how to play a situation and does so for his own (and no one else's) benefit. Does he know just the right thing to day to get an emotional response from you? Does he look at you a certain way? Does he remove himself at just the right time to leave you wanting to see him again? If he is like that then he is playing with you like a toy. It might help to remember that if you have to speak to him. What you get from a person like that is not real emotion but carefully measured behaviors designed to manipulate your feelings. Like making you feel bad when he is not around.

I have no idea how long the pain takes to go away, I do know that you are right in your assessment that he will bring nothing but pain... just one day at a time and work on building on your strength and resolve