Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

It may be helpful to consider what helps us when we know we are in a bad relationship.

We have got to the point of recognising that a lot is not going right in our relationship. But what then? This is a point we get to and then we have to ask this "What now?" question.

It can be rather like being caught in a sudden thunder storm with lots of lightning. One is in a field and getting soaking wet. One is miles from anywhere and nothing is nearby for shelter except a tall tree. Ok, what now? Same sort of thing.

Of course in a relationship it is more complex.

Some people tell us what to do. But how can they know what WE personally should do. As the saying goes "Before you judge, walk a mile in MY shoes".

And what does TELLING (in effect, ORDERING) us what to do IMPLY? It can imply many things but some implications seem to be that:

1. The person knows better than us.

2. We aren't sane, intelligent, capable people.

3. We do not have the right to make our own decisions.

4. Decisions are self-evident and are not based on a reasoning process that has individual preferences involved (and to which one has a RIGHT).


We who are trying to decide what to do know we are confused. That is normal WHENEVER a person is trying to make a decision, even about which dress to buy. It doesn't mean we should be told what to do OR that being told is helpful. As just the implications I listed above show, being told is NOT helpful.

So what is helpful? This is what this post is about.

I started a sub group of this Physical and Emotional Abuse community - http://dailystrength.org/groups/he... (Help in Deciding To Leave) to help those of us trying to deal with deciding what to do. Unfortunately you can't even see the group from the Physical & Emotional Abuse Community pages so not many people find it and we need a certain number to get things going. But I'm not looking for members by making this post of mine. I am just making the point that we abused men and women, and some younger people, need assistance to work things out FOR OURSELVES and my group was a way to try to get this going for us.

It is so easy to tell people what to do. We can mean very well in doing so and just do so because we see other people do it and think it is ok or normal practice somewhere. But it does not help.

And please listen to the messages you send when you give advice. The person you are talking to certainly does. And they are also not getting the help they need.

What help do they need?
Posted on 05/07/08, 10:05 pm