Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Not getting enough attention is no excuse.
With my husband it was stress, and I spent my entire married life (25 years) changing our situation in order to reduce his stress, but you know what? there is always some form of stress in every life

and I'm guessing ther will always be things that take your attention away from your husband to some degree and that if you give up your job to spend more time with him, he will want you to give up something else to spend more time and energy on him

so I wouldn't give up your job, I would tell him that he needs to deal with his behavioural problems

this seems to be a common occurance with abusers, their behaviour is causing a problem, and their solution is to get you to change your behaviour, when really what needsto happen is for them to find a way to cope with whatever it is that they find so distressing

No amount of time and attention is ever going to be enough. He will not be satisfied until you just sit there and think only of him, do things, only for him, feel things only for him. If I was you I would not quit my job. I would sit my husband down and tell him that there are many things that demand time and attention. Work is one, but so is a son and maintaining a home.

Honey he says mean things to you to control you. And right now you are seriously considering jumping through one more hoop he's putting in front of you. It is his behavior that needs to change, not your employment status. The instant you quit that job you will rapidly find yourself isolated. Suddenly there will not be money for this or that, no reason to have a 2nd car, since it's all his money he will handle the checkbook and the credit cards. Want to know how I know this? I did it.

Your husband is the one who needs to rethink his priorities, not you. Sit him down and tell him that you love him and you want him to be happy, but that you will not be quitting your job. Try making a date night weekly. Just one night a week hire a babysitter and go out just the two of you. I don't blame you for wanting to make an effort, but until compromise is a two way street it is just a demand.

Your motivation has to be based on your own desire to meet your husbands needs. NOT based on hoping that meeting his needs will change his behavior. Otherwise, your change in how you treat him just becomes a part of a dynamic of manipulation and control. If you appreciate that your husband has needs which you are currently neglecting, your only cause for changing that should be that you want to meet his needs. If how he responds to you changes, consider it a bonus.

Also, as far as the issue of quitting your job to give your husband more attention... that isn't necessarily the way to do it, unless there is a discernible reason why your job is a particular culprit. Sometimes giving a person more attention just means on the simple things, like looking them in the eye with a sense of interest in what they are saying, giving them a little extra shoulder rub when they come in... its the little things. If you were to quit your job, if it wasn't what you wanted to do, deep down, then you may just end up resenting him, and the free time that you gain isn't going to be filled with the desire to attend the man who inspired resentment in you. Make sense? I would not quit my job in order to give more to my husband... that is, if I had a job to quit, lol. Also, quitting is just going to leave the potential for you to feel further isolated, and less independant... both things which could work against your self esteem. And if your self esteem suffers, then you have less to give to everyone across the board.

Now what I am going to say next might be unpopular advice, but bear with me, please. The areas which I would suggest you pull from in order to have more time and energy for your husband are: housework and son. Now I am not suggesting that you neglect either your housework, or your son, and I'm not at all surprised if your initial thought is one of resistance to what I am saying, especially with regard to your precious child.

In the long term, children are more secure and are happier when they sense love in their parents relationship. Its important to be able to put our husbands first, and let the kids wait for a change. Often we, as mothers, come to be more like our childrens handmaids and play things, and we think that they cannot function without us. But the fact is, they can. Now I'm not talking about leaving the kid locked in his room for hours or anything... but just making it a point to have time that is adult time, and that the child comes to expect and respect that as the child grows up. I don't know what your personal interests are so it is hard to give a good example that might apply, so I will just share from my own slice of life. My husband and I like to play othello. Its a game for 2 people, and although my daughter has developed an interest in playing it, when it is mommy and daddys time, she has to respect that. Its not all about the kids, and it shouldn't be all about the kids. She is old enough now that she knows to just go do her own thing when we are playing, and for the most part, she just goes off and plays nicely or colors... whatever. My son is almost 2, and this is his training time. He is still learning, and so we have to invest a little bit of our 'adult time' into training him to accept and respect it... so right now it is not so focused on eachother, but our focused is split on training him. But we invest a portion of that interest in training him, so that in the long run, we have two kids who know that mommy and daddy need time of their own to enjoy eachother as adults. So I set my son up with some different toys on the kitchen floor, and we just tell him, "No, this is not a kid game..." and he is getting it. They sense when you mean it, and the sense when you feel guilty about it and they will work you if they sense any weakness or lack of conviction. We aren't harsh or mean about it, we just claim our space, and he is learning much more easily than our daughter did, partially because we have been this way with him from the beginning, where with her we had to learn by trial and error.... and more error, lol. I was very inclined to put her first in all things, and my relationship with my husband was in the toilet.

Now mind you, I don't know what specifically your husband wants in terms of "attention" from you. But I will say that the very fact that he has pinpointed that he is jealous of your divided attention is more insight than many men would have. Its no excuse for verbal or emotional abuse, and again, your motivation should not be to change yourself so that he will change. He may never change. But if you agree that your attention on your husband is not such that it reflects what his status should be in your life (which is first, second only to your relationship with your Creator), then make the adjustments based on your desire to the best wife you can be, and maybe he will surprise you. Even if he doesn't change a lick, you will still win, because you will have become a better wife. We cannot lose if we are improving ourselves, so long as THAT is our motivation. The only person you can change is you. And its really your son who will benefit from seeing his parents making eachother a priority. Children don't feel secure when they are given a higher position in the family than the person who is supposed to be in authority. They sense the imbalance and it disturbs them.

I'm curious... was the idea of you quitting your job your idea or his?

Quitting your job will give him another avenue to suck up your attention. Sometimes jobs aren't about the money, but about maintaining your separateness and self esteem.
I did quit my job to raise the children, but replaced it with volunteering, which gave me a great sense of balance.
However, even though we didn't need my income, it gave my abusive EX lots of leeway to become more obsessive compulsive about the house, the children, my free time, his needs.
No amount of money and no amount of attention would ever satiate him. He's hungry for it 24 hours a day.
So, if your husband has ay of these tendencies, then I caution you to keep the job and even start pursuing new activities because he's too needy.

I personally would ask for more hours. No matter what you do it won't be good enough. The problem is inside of him and he needs to deal with it.

I was looking to see where I should put my post...should I start a "new topic?". And it does not look as though there is a better place.

I feel funny not adding a comment to jacksmom555' s question, but...I really need help and the help seems to fit no better place than here. If I have made a mistake and need to start this as a new topic then I apologize in advance.

My vie Cherie is an abuse victim. I got her to leave last may exactly one year ago, yesterday. And on top of that she was molested when she was eleven and raped twice.

We have had very minor, I think, couple trouble of our own doing, but major upsetment about her abuse.

She did just about every classic thing that she should not have. She did not stay away - because her son - "emotionally disabled" does not live on his own or a half way house. One of her daughters has live two doors down after she got married...and last year had a baby.

My vie Cherie, labels herself as a Christian and I have come to call it voodoo christianity since it seems very controlling and destructive - Not Christ-like.

In mid march she suddenly disappeared for the third time leaving a msg that she was "never coming home again" and "had to "fix it". She does not and has not loved her abuser - her legal - and still says that. But she has had in her head, along with some voodooism - that she "will loose her kids". I found out she had gone back the the in the middle of nowhere (literally) place she left - though she said she never would.

Two weeks after she disappear I tried to connect with her at one of the jobs she has and the only problem I had relating to this is that she would not come home. In just about every way everything was exactly the same except for her "abuse syndrome symptoms" manifesting. We have since then had continuous and frequent contact and she talks the same way about her feelings for me and need of my feelings for her - specifically love.

She has been getting counseling but I am concerned whether it might in some ways do more harm than good - she seems to have susceptibility to suggestion - BTW I am very very careful how I phase things lest I elicit a response to "please me" as opposed to her own response(s).

I have been doing very serious searching for abuse help and she/we have been making headway and THEN! BOOM! she says things like "I don't see that as abusive" or "...he says that...." or "I can't leave again til I know it's the right thing to do".

This evening she came home for an hour and a half after work - very desirous to do so. My birthday is next Wednesday and she wants to make sure my birthday is special and is willing to take not do her lessons - she teaches piano - since I told her it is very important to me that we celebrate my bday on the very day not another. But when I wanted her to stay longer so we could have more time than just a "few minutes here and there" she began to freak. Saying that I had to let her go because she had to get back to what I have termed "the compound" because she promised her daughter she would be back by 8 so that her daughter and "the others --- woman?" could "help her do the cooking for tomorrow when "they will celebrate several bdays - including her legal's and mother's day.

And her is one of the places I am going out of my mind. I can NOT get it how she can be happy and calm with me - as she is...even calming down when is upset - and knowingly want to "be with me and will not love anyone else" AND be upset at the thought of me "going elsewhere" AND be show stubbornly blind to the symptoms of the syndrome.... I disparately need someone who has been in my vie Cherie's spot to help me understand so that I can be as patient as I think she needs and not let my inner upsetment risk damaging the progress that she/we have made. I want and need and love her but if I had to trade that for her to be free of this "sickness" I would not hesitate to do so. The only problem with that fact and what she is doing is if I just sit on the side hoping and praying for her to see the truth and she never does - That is not an equitable trade because she will spend the rest of her life an abused controlled victim and never be able to let her light shine through....

I implore someone to help me.

I think he just needs to grow up. You shouldn't have to stop what you're doing to fullfill him, you sound content with it and I think it would be another level of abuse/control over you that you shouldn't give him.

Get him a dog if he wants a companion who will always be there.

Thanks to everyone for your feedback! I've decided to not quit my job. I would like to do that only because I would have more time to spend with my son, but I see what you are all saying here. I have made some changes in housework. I am going to lessen that load to see how it goes. There was a lot of great advice here, that I am definitely going to try.

To respond to a few:

Queenvalerie - We do have a date night every week; my sister takes our son overnight on a Friday or Saturday every week, then we also have some time when she take him for a couple of hours during the week! Crazy, huh? Still not enough time together... sigh.

Aikijedi - Great points! I do make my son number one because I feel that he needs my attention since he is only 3; my husband is a grown man who should be able to take care of himself. But I see what you are saying... I'll give that a try! And it was my idea to quit. He'd rather have the extra income, even though he makes a lot of money. What's that all about? I don't really know what he wants, to be honest. He is invited to spend time with us (me and my son) but he would rather work on his motorcycle or on the yard, or be on the phone with his family and friends. But then he complains we don't spend time with him. I think he wants me to be there with him wherever he is, following him around, doing what he is doing. I have my own things to do, too. Maybe a compromise to be there some of the time? On both our parts, of course.

Bamabm87 - he has a dog! HA!