What is Physical Emotional Abuse
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is u...
Join Now
|
Advice on my situation
|
Watch this |
| View More Posts |
Hi all..I'm new here. I've been kind of looking for a place where I can talk with others about the situation I am in.
First a little background info. I've been with the same guy for almost 6 years now. It's been an off and on type of relationship. More on than off..but we have definitely had our problems. A few years back was when he first got physical with me. He's always been sort of hot headed with a bad temper but I never thought he'd ever touch me. Things were said and when things didn't go his way, he picked me up and threw me across onto the couch. That was just one time..so I let it go. About a year after that, we had another disagreement. Something about a movie..we were trying to decide what we wanted to see and he got mad at me cause I didn't want to see the same as him. Silly I thought. I can't remember all the details...whether it's because I just can't or I don't want to..I'm not sure. But after that all I remember is steaming hot coffee being thrown at me and then him charging at me and knocking me off of the chair I was sitting in and hovering over me. I begged him not to hurt me. Thankfully that was the extent of that part of it. He ended up going into the kitchen and grabbing a knife and slashing his wrist. I called 911 despite the fact that he told me not to..but I was scared he had seriously harmed himself. Turned out he was okay, but the cops showed up and I had to tell them the entire story. Charges were pressed (not by me..but because I had to because of the nature of things). He had to go to court..and he now has a record. Awhile after that we broke up for a few months. Things were really strained in our relationship and I moved away. I ended up moving back and eventually we got back together. We've been together for about 2 years since then and while he still had a bad temper, things were actually getting better. He hadn't been physical with me......until the other day. Fast forward to now. The other day he woke up in a horrible mood and I can't even explain why. And he treated me and my 7 year old daughter (from a previous relationship) and our 9 month old son all pretty badly. I couldn't figure out what was wrong..but he was horrible to us all. He kept yelling at me. I couldn't do anything right. We were getting ready to go shopping and he was constantly at me to hurry up. I tried my best..but I also had to get 2 kids ready besides myself. I told him he needs to calm down or I'm not going anywhere with him like that then I turned to walk into the living room and he heaved our sons walker at me...followed by a gate we have up to keep our dog in a certain part of the house..followed by our sons shoes. He said he was sick of everyone mouthing at him. When he was the one doing the yelling and mouthing. I didn't understand it. But I think I figured it out. He's got a drug habit...and he smokes pot daily several times a day. He had none in the house that day...and my only guess is he was having withdrawals or something. Today....much the same thing. He's been bringing up things that happened over 2 years ago and has been yelling at me and calling me names. I'm really not sure what I did to deserve this treatment....but here it is and continuing once again when I thought he was done acting in that way. I'm sure I have left out a lot of details but this is pretty much most of it. I'm sorry to have gotten so winded...but that's the whole story and I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I love him...but does he love me? He says he does. But if he does, why does he treat me like this? I would just appreciate any and all advice anyone has to offer. I've had a couple of friends tell me I need to leave him. But it's easier said than done as I am sure some of you know. Thank you in advance for all of your advice. ~starsfading Posted on 05/08/08, 02:05 pm |
| 5 Replies | Add Your Advice |
| View More Posts |
The key questions are not does he love you and if so why is he doing this... love is irrelevant when it comes to this type of behavior. He may very well love you to the best of his capacity, but that doesn't mean that the situation is ok.
The questions you need to ask yourself is: What are my children learning? Not only by the behavior he is modeling, but by the fact that you are tolerating it. You can't control the type of model that he is, but you can and must model for your children what a woman should and should not put up with. We all make compromises in relationships, and no partner is perfect. Far be it from me to tell you that you decisively have to leave him. But you do have to do something. His treating you like this has NOTHING to do with you, or with his feelings for you. It has everything to do with something wrong in him, which only he can get to the heart of if it is going to change. He may never change. You have to keep your eyes open to the very likely possibility that what you see is what you get, and nothing you do in your power is going to cause him to treat you differently. Its got NOTHING to do with your worthiness, or your part in the details of the day. If it takes you a little longer to get ready than he likes, its his responsibility to manage his emotions on the matter... whether that means cultivating patience, or leaving without you... Diffusing his anger is his responsibility alone. 
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts |
"False Guilt is just that - False. It is an error in truth—the guilt you feel when you haven’t done anything wrong. And because your guilt feelings aren't based on any kind of actual wrongdoing, nothing you do to address your guilt and find a remedy will work."1
So how do we really stop believing false guilt such as "I just did not try hard enough", "It is my fault they became angry", "It is my fault he raped me. I should have not worn that dress"? It is our irrational belief that keeps convinced that it was "our fault" and not the other party and effectively relieving them of any guilt. We can "choose to say no to the false guilt when it beckons again. As soon as this happens, I want you to SHOUT out the truth! Instead of meandering down a guilt trail, speak this truth instead (and yes, say it aloud!) I will not feel guilty for ____________________anymore, 'I'm really not sure what I did to deserve this treatment...' The answer to that..is NOTHING...You are not to blame..You are not guilty.. I had exactly the same for years..the calm periods..then the filthy nasty explosions of abusive rage..the unforgivable lashing out..the abuse.. Apart from what aikijedi so rightly says..its affect on your children...as they get older..the damage he inflicts and perpetrates onto them, and modelling he gives them..will be huge..and so damaging..and the rages will progress to them.. The problem is..is that a man like this..always increases the rate of their 'outbursts' over time..and their intensity, and damage increases. The incidents get more violent..and they are rarely, if ever, sorry, and they refuse to take responsibility for their behaviour.. Sorry to have to tell you..but hes unlikely to ever change, you will find that he won't won't take responsibility, and will make you feel it is all your fault.. My ex also had a dope addiction..and running out of it, often preceeded an attack..but then attacks could come out of the blue, at other times also, there is no way you can predict them... I'm also sorry to say, that from experience, an abuser is incapable of loving you..respecting you..or stopping their abusive behaviour. There will be times that raise your hopes, that that make you feel it might be worth staying for..but for me..I realised he could one day possibly kill me..and I thankfully, eventually..managed to get out.. If you don't feel ready to leave..please get help to fully understand and realise exactly what is happening to you..and hopefully, you will begin to say..enough is enough..
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts |
Thank you both for responding to this. I've read and re-read all of what you both had to say and it all makes so much sense.
I do realize it's a horrible, horrible thing for my children to grow up seeing this day to day. It is not what I want at all. I want them growing up and treating others with love, care and the respect that they deserve. If anything, I know we need to keep any and all arguments away from the children. They don't need to see/hear that. I do know it's something wrong with him and that is why he is treating me in these ways. Sometimes though I get really down on myself and feel so small and worthless because of the things he says and does. I realize he may never change. And if he does, the want has to be there. I think deep down he knows he has issues and he needs to do something about it. He did apologize after the episode today...so he knows. I just wish he'd get counseling or something cause somehow I feel there are some underlying issues that need to be dealt with. What vonniedisley said about false guilt really made sense. I can't tell you how many times I have felt that way after he would make me feel badly for something that was completely undeserving. I'm going to give that whole thing a try and say it out loud. I certainly don't need to feel guilty for nothing. The attacks were with and without lack of pot in the house. So I can relate to them happening just whenever. It just seems he is more angry when he hasn't had his fix. I have noticed he's super grumpy when he has to go without...and he's just downright nasty to everyone. I do want to and am trying to educate myself about what is going on here. I want to do the right thing..what is best for me and my children. So far I don't feel ready to leave. I do love him and want to try to work on this somehow. At least then I can say I tried. Thank you both again for your advice. I appreciate it all so much.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts |
I think you need to ask yourself what you really want and need in your life, for yourself and for your children. That would, I think, be a good thing to stop and do, quietly by yourself and giving yourself lots of time and space to do so. We can get so caught up in things that we stop doing this. I am sure you know a lot to help yourself already.
Please keep posting. It will help if you say exactly how you want people to help; what to talk about with you. All the best.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts |
rosem1111:
I think you're right. I do need to ask myself those questions. Right now I know living in a situation such as this is not good for me or my children. But where I love him and I will not simply just give up on him and walk away, I want to give time for a possible change. I know it can happen...he has to want it though. I hope we can figure out things together. But if it continues...then I know what I need to do. Thank you for your advice. I appreciate any and all. I will keep posting. Today was actually a decent day...I'm hoping for more like these.
|
|
|
|
||
Advertisement
