Pancreatic Cancer Support Group

Hi all

Thank you for validating what I was thinking about my siblings in the advice piece in Bereavement. It's hard when you are in the middle of something so close to your heart to be clear.

I also thank all of you who sent such lovely notes about the coming month. So far, I am doing fine with it. I know that like every day in this journey, the feelings come when they come.

It is hard not to remember this time last year. My mom was suffering so much and I and my siblings were taking 8 hour shifts to be sure she always had someone with her. I looked at a picture my brother took of me one morning at 4am and I see such exhaustion and such pain. It brought back every moment's memory.

One of the many poor decisions made in our case was my mom not wanting any strangers to do her self care or meds. So we were doing all of that, baths, meds, cleaning messes made from the digestive systen failure. I strongly urge anyone going through this to get a home nurse to do all of that so your family member can have some dignity. In her right mind, my mom would never have wanted her children, cleaning her that way, giving suppositories and bathing her. Sometimes common sense has to over ride the persons decisions.

If you can, please get nursing care so your time with your loved one can be about love and grace. Don't misunderstand me, I would clean my mom happily , but I could tell that she was disgusted and humiliated at it all and yet it was decided. It was a mistake and one I wish I had been more insistent about over riding. But that is the past. My nightmares have gotten worse lately, I wake up sweating and thinking about those moments.

So I get up and do my meditation and look at pictures of our happy days. I have pictures I took of my last walk with my mom before she was bedridden. We went to her favorite gardens and looked at and talked about every flower. I remember watching her try to reach a flower she wanted to touch and seeing her frail hand shaking. I knew and she knew it was our last time at the Gardens. I didnt cry but I wanted to, I just hugged her emaciated body and told her I loved her.

So, today is a new day, almost a year later. It comes and goes. But I sure do miss my brother and sister and I appreciate your advice about being in touch.

Thank you and have a beautiful day. And to any of you going through this, I hug you warmly and tell you that life continues. No platitudes about it getting better each day. It does but in a different way. Basically with death, we survivors are reborn. Birth is painful and jarring and exciting.

I wish you all the beauty of a summer garden and fireflies. I love fireflies, I think of them as fairies. Thank you for your support.

Caroline
Posted on 06/28/08, 12:06 pm