Organ Transplants Support Group

I can't relate directly to your problem but a few things come to mind.

I am aware that recovering alcolics experience similar problems. Wait. Let me explain.

Their whole life is all of a sudden changed inside out. They literally don't know how to act. People around them, their old buddies, family don't know either. In fact often the recovering person can continue to recover only by leaving the old life completely behind. A spouse even if s/he continues to drink.

In your case you were launched into a family that all of a sudden did not have to revolve around you. I'm not saying you were demanding attention for the sake of attention selfishly. That's just the way it was. They took care of you. That's what they did.

Now all of a sudden you've got to function in a life you've never prepared for.

Now I'm sure you can get a counsellor for a lot of your problems and work them out. But I suspect you're too anxious for things to get "normal". You thought you would turn into a normal teenager with all of the things you've learned to forget about suddenly jumping into your life. Well they did along with all the problems that go with it. Adolescense is the hardest part of life and it was heaped on top of all the other stuff.

First tackle one thing at a time. You can't solve all your problems at once. As an example - your sexuality. Don't worry about it for now. You've got 50 years to work that out. Let it wait a year.

Just solve one thing at a time. Deal with each twist and turn as it comes along. Don't worry about the probems that haven't arrived yet. It's too overwhelming.

You can find your nitch in life. It may take time. So what. You've been given the time. Don't waste it worrying about the future or how difficult it will be to get where you want to be.

The depression and mood swings are tough I know. Someone who has not had them does not know how overwhelming they can be. It can take over your life for no apparent reason. Just a chemical imbalance and "poof" you want to die.

I'm sure you've gotten professional help. Don't hesitate to take whatever drugs seem to work for you. It's important that you recognize when these symptoms are coming on before they overwhelm your ability to recognize what's going on.

You've been dealt a "tough row to hoe" as the farmer would say. But like that farmer just chop one weed at a time.

My experience with a heart transplant seemed entirely different than yours.You see I've discovered what was really important in my life.My family,my friends,my renewed lust for life. I guess it's all a matter of attitude.My attitude of gratitude was what makes me want to be a better person.I want to be the best me I can be. You see someones loved one,a 19 yr.old in my case.Gave his life that I might live. I owe them that much.I owe it to my God who saw fit to do for me what I could not have done for myself.He gave the surgeons the knowledge and the technology to perform his miracles.For that I am eternally grateful.
You may want to try living to be of service to others less fortunate than you.You've be3en blessed not cursed."If you need to change the way you think.Change the things you do."

I too was very ill when I got my transplant (liver) and in a coma. My mother and brothers made the decidion, I was 33 at the time,am 53 now. When I found out I had kidney failure I was pissed off at my family for signing for me. Kidney failure was caused by the anti-rejection meds and is not exactly a cup of tea to have to go through. I went through alot these past 20 years,always wondering if it was the right choice. But now I have grandchildren with the greatest little smiles and personalities it makes me happy I had this chance. Give it time.

I get it. I'm not the one with the transplant, my husband is. He sat on the fence about getting listed for a lung transplant for a long time, unsure if it was the right move. Well he got the transplant and life got better in many regards, though definitely not all, for several years. Then about a year and a half ago he got a severe lung infection and two weeks into his 6 week stay in ICU, he had a massive stroke. He's made some progress, he evenually got out of hospital, but he's kind of a wreck with all his health problems at this point, including aphasia, diabetes and GI problems.
Seems like a transplant is just like a tradeoff from one set of problems to a different set of problems. I'm not knocking transplants - we had some good years that couldn't have happened without it. But his health problems have rather piled up now and he never really feels great and his physical problems are substantial.
I keep telling myself that the only reason he's still alive is that his soul has something left it is trying to do. Perhaps something will trigger what your purpose is and make things more meaningful. Best wishes.

Have you thought about seeing a counselor? It sounds like you are very depressed. You just need to talk your problems out. Have you ever gotten a prescription for your mood disorder.

I can understand how hard it is when your life drasitically changes. In my case I was always pretty healthy. Sure, I had kidney disease, but it didn't really make me feel sick, and then just like that, it seems like just over night, I became sick.

When I was sick I felt like I lost my self. I didn't know how to live as the sick person. My identity had seemed to change. I couldn't relate to people the same, I just didn't feel myself. I was depressed all of the time.

But, then slowly I started to come out of it. I told my self that I was blessed to be alive, sick or not sick. I forced my self to continue to live, even if that meant relating to friends and the world in general differently.

I think that you need to give this a try. Try to see the good in everything. Make a goal to laugh at least twice a day, to smile when ever possible.

When I did get my transplant, I felt wonderful again! But, I was happy that kind of dug my self out of depression before the transplant.

I know you feel lost now, but don't worry things will work out for you. You just have to believe that. It is a good step that you are writing about your feelings. If possible speak to a counselor. I spoke to my transplant coordinator a lot on those days when I was very down. We are all here for you when you need us.

Take care!