Miscarriage or spontaneous abortion is the natural or accidental termination of a pregnancy at a stage where the embryo or the fetus is incapable of surviving, generally defined at...
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I'm really beating myself up over this...
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Alright so. The day I had sex and got pregnant just passed a few days ago (August 19). That would be two years since I got pregnant. Obviously I lost the child. (Due to a massive drug overdose that almost killed me, too.). Still havn't forgiven myself AT ALL. It just seems to get worse. And even worse, my uncle's wife just had her first kid. So every time they come over I have to throw on a smile, try not to cry, and most importantly, try not to steal the baby. (Not even kidding on that one. More than once I created a plan in my head to steal little Georgie and run away with him...). I had to take a break from writing this twice so far because tears blocked my view of the keyboard. I also slipped on my coke problem yesterday. Brings me from almost 4 months to NOTHING. I'm not even happy when I'm high anymore. Doesn't really matter what I'm high on... I can't make myself happy. I'm taking my medication the way I'm supposed to and going to therapy once a week, but I'm still cutting and still depressed and moping around all the time. I really don't know how I'm possibly supposed to survive November 4th (the two year anniversary of losing my little Liberty) because I can't even handle thinking about it NOW and that day is over two months away. I havn't been sleeping well, or eating well, or pretty much doing anything normally. I mean I havn't left my room even to SHOWER. I leave my room to pee and get a snack. That's it. I know it's horribly disgusting, and you all are probably gonna go "..Ew." when you read this but I havn't showered in like.. A week and a half maybe because I don't want to move. I wake up, stare at the ceiling for about an hour, move from my bed to my computer, and sit there until I'm near to peeing myself. I jsut.. I hate looking at my stomach or really seeing myself naked at all SO MUCH that taking a shower makes me want to kill myself. I have to close my eyes when I change my clothes. I'm not even that bad looking or whatever. I just cant see my stomach. Or my cuts. Or my scars. And there really isn't much else to look at one my body. Sorry this was so long, I just.. I needed to get it out. And it still didn't really help all that much so I pretty much jsut wasted about 20 minutes typing this. Sorry for wasting your time, guys.
Posted on 08/23/08, 06:08 am |
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We all have made mistakes that are very hard to live with. You cannot change what happened no matter how hard you try. Forgiving yourself and working through the shame is KEY in repairing your brokeness. It sounds like you are very hard on yourself no matter the situation. I strongly suggest a 12 step program to help with your addiction and I am sure working through the loss of your child will come out in that process too. God loves You and wants you to be restored. His mercy is never ending. Live in today and see how that works for you. ~Jess 
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I don't really know anything about drug addicitions so I'm probably not the best person to give you advice on that. But you've not wasted anyone's time writing down your thoughts, thats what we're all here for and I'm sure you'll get lots of really good advice. If it were me I'd force myself to get in the shower, it always makes me feel a little better when I've cleaned myself up- I know its not a miracle cure but small steps etc etc xx
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Oh sweetie, I'm so so sorry for all that you've been through and at such a young age. It sounds like the therapy your're going to isn't helping much. Maybe you need to see someone else who might be able to help you more. Are you on any kind of antideprssant? If so, it sounds like you need to be put on something else and if not you could probably benefit from taking one. Have you thought about asking your therapist about that? I started taking antidepressants when I was 22 and wished I had started when I was 14. They can make a huge difference. Whatever you do, please don't hurt yourself honey, we all care about you and want ot see you get better. If venting and writing down your feelings makes you feel better, do it all you want. You are not wsating anyone's time here by doing that. That's what we are here for. One thing you really need to do is forgive yourself. God has forgiven you and you need to do the same. Keep yourself healthy so in the future you will be able to have more children. I know you will never forget the baby you lost; none of us do but you have a bright future to look forward to. Just keep taking it one day at a time. Take care and be good to yourself.
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I am so sorry for all of your pain. It's hard that the past can't be changed, but the best you can do is hang in there and try to make the future for yourself. Hang in there.
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I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don't know what to say to help other than God is with us especially at times like these. We all make mistakes, but we have to forgive ourselves because God already has. You can't keep punishing yourself for things. You need to take care of yourself and get healthy. I know it is easier said then done, but you need to find some good support and keep people around you that you can rely on. This site is a good place, but you also need some other support. Hang in there and I am praying for you.
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I love you guys, really I do. You guys don't even know me and you're being so kind. :]
It makes me feel like.. Hey maybe the world hasn't lost hope after all. :] Thanks :]
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You didnt waste our time. I love talking to you when ever I see you wrote a message. Its ok to feel sad. and your taking the first steps into recovery.
Congrats on the 4 months! that is amazing. Even though you slipped, its still great you made it that far! My due date came and I was dreding it but after it came and went it was kinda like a release. I just keep thinking about getting my body healthy for the next little baby. Also, when you get up. go take a nice long bath. Shave your legs. after you do all the girly stuff in the tub, get out blow dry your hair put some make up on and go out to the mall with your family. Set a small goal each day. God loves you! Keep moving forward.
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I hun, I just want to wrap you in a big hug. You are never wasting our time when you write here. I am so happy you made it so long clean. Keep going with that. I understand how you feel about not wanting to see yourself naked. I went through that as well. I still don't like what I see all that much some days. I agree that you should talk to your therapist about antidepressants. I hope you feel a little better after venting.
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