Marijuana Addiction & Recovery Support Group

i have a similar story. married 23 years.

after having children, i quit smoking which was not easy because my husband a minister was still smoking. he was fairly discreet , except for the occasional slip every few years when i'd find seeds or paraphernalia. that created a gulf between us because i could not share my sobriety with him and feared our children would find out. after a while, though, i thought my husband wasn't indulging.

then in january 2007 i found that 17 year old my son was smoking. my husband and i discussed the dangers of gateway drugs with our son but let him to smoke in the garage so he wouldn't be out n the street and get busted. well, he quickly tried salvia, a legal high, and wound up in the emergency room. we survived the crisis.

then, when searching for lost keys, i found my husband's pot stashed in a jacket pocket in the hall closet. i told him he needed to tell our son before he found out on his own. at a time when i needed my husband to stand with me so we could be strong and support our son, finding that stash unnerved me. i was too weak to battle my husband and son's demons. within a couple weeks, i was smoking too.

then in the nov. 07, my son showed my husband how to up the potency of the pot. my husband became obsessed with that process and began drinking more alcohol as well. he continued even after i had what i thought was a panic attack from it. i found out later that i'd had a potentially life threatening cardiac arrhythmia. i went back to smoking plain pot. but not my husband. and when i told him i couldn't function with so much weed around, he told me he didn't want to hear what i had to say. he became increasingly irritable. by feb. 2008 he was having what appeared to be a bipolar episode. he went to counseling but only once. during the past nine months, he has missed deadlines, paid bills late, and even considered quitting a job two years shy of retirement.

then, in june 2008 he gave our son some weight for his 19th birthday. and he failed to forbid our son from using an explosive substance. every bone in my body tells me to ask my husband to leave. even now that my husband knows our relationship is on the line, there is no talk of quitting smoking. and he remains skeptical of counseling. i don't want to hurt my college-age children by breaking up our family. i am in so much pain.

Wow - I'm so sorry. I forget other people have things as bad - if not as worse as I do. Your story is also heart wrenching.

I feel for you - and I find it's much easier to give advice to follow my own.

I could tell you to run from the situation - leave as fast as you can. I could tell you everything you already know but you're the only one, ultimately, who can make the decision to live your life and tell him to live his.

My husband doesn't hide his addiction - I know full well what he does, when he does and I also pay for it.

I feel so dumb - and like such a failure. I don't want to continue down this path but yet his abusiveness is unbearable when he doesn't have it - so what's the less of the two evils.

At this stage in my life I've decided enough is enough. I'm getting out of the situation - I'm just trying to decide when enough is enough. I feel the road to recovery begins with myself - and that means healing myself and getting away from the dangerous lifestyle I've been living.

I don't think you're being irrational, weed should never be a priority over things like food and household bills. You husband is obviously addicted and unfortunately it seems that you can't just keep going on like that...consequences arise. What are the consequences your husband is going to face if he keeps smoking? If you are waiting for something to change...it's likely it wont. You might have to be the one to make a change, or a break, or something...

I feel for you. I live in a sharehouse, along with a couple and another guy. One half of the couple is an addict and I see behaviour in their relationship which is not unlike what you described above. This guy verbally abuses her when he's in a 'bad mood'. He spends their joint money on weed and alcohol and she is left to clean up the mess. I wish she could just leave him sometimes, because she's my friend and I can see so clearly that she deserves better.

firstly I would like to salute both of you brave women for facing your own addiction and taking responsibility for what's going on in your life. That is a very crucial first step that many people never take, simply because they are too scared to face up to the parts of the situation that they have created/endured.
But, in taking responsibility for your own addiction, don't make the mistake of taking on responsibility for other's within your family.
As a mother one feels responsible for the well-fare and emotion state of all members of the family. But, and this is crucial, responsibility is just that...THE ABILITY TO RESPOND. And that's what you are doing, responding, and taking control of your addiction.
The sad thing is that people only face it when they are ready, and if your husbands aren't ready, you can't force them. But neither do you have to accept their behaviour, that is ultimately detrimental to the whole family.
My advice would be to go to counselling as a family. This will prove that you are totally prepared to take on board your own part in it, and aren't just attacking them (which is often how people feel, even if that really isn't where you're coming from).
If they won't go with you, then I guess you have to decide if you can continue in this untenable situation.

I have to go now, my kids need to get out of the house!

I wish you all the best of luck and strength to follow your own hearts. Blessings on your bravery! x x x

A lot of people coming on here wanting to quit and really truly struggle to do so.

For someone who doesn't want to quit, we can't change them. That's where Al Anon or Nar Anon come in. I have benefitted from working a program of addiction recovery for myself and attending Al Anon for those loved ones in my life including a now ex boyfriend whose own lack of recovery caused me a lot of suffering.

A good saying in Al Anon is The Three C's.

We didn't cause it.
We can't control it.
We can't cure it.
Detatch with love.

at www.marijuana-anonymous.org there is a pamphlet for those loved ones of people in recovery for marijuana addiction. If he doesn't want sobriety or recovery it could be a very long road for you to wait until he does in order for you to be happy. That's where Al Anon can help you learn to have serenity despite the loved ones addiction. It may also help bring up some of the damage caused by having a mom w/ addictions.

Good luck.

Wow! I am actually sort of relieved to here that people are facing some of the same struggles as me. I could tell my whole story but it's SO long and drawn out. What I do want to say is that I just recently stopped smoking weed. I've quit before but for some reason, it was never like this. It was never a "forever" choice, it was "just for now". I will have been clean for 5 months on the 4th and I've never felt so good. In that time I've found a happiness inside of me I lost a long time ago, I've started eating healthy and exercising....just doing things for me. All of it is helping me be a better, happier, healthier woman. It's helping me have the guts to put my foot down about the issues in my marriage. I still have a lot of work to do in myself and my marriage but at least I have a clear conscience now and that is priceless.

I'm sorry, I'm not much help for your situation. But I know what it's like. I've been there, I AM there, and I support you 100%!!