Infidelity Support Group

It doesnt matter what it is, because one thing for surely that it is is that he is being a cake-eater. He has you and her. You didnt mention if he moved out. Thats MANDATORY. Tell him to get the hell out and go be happy then. Either one of two things will happen:
1.) He will realize how not so in love he is.
2.) you will in due time, find someone else or find being single is MUCH better than eating his shit on a daily basis.

I don't know if he is really in love. But I do know he is selfish and has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever, not to mention her or himself. Keep your head up.

Hi rita21

I am so sorry for what ur going thru. My husband and I just separated (unofficially)at the beginning of Aug. I found out in Feb that he met this woman at work. She doesn't work with him but came to his job with another person. She has two kids a 4& 5 yr old. I confronted my husband when I found out and he said 99% of it was not about sex and that we have been having problems. I wasn't aware of the problems however. I noticed a change in him when I first became pregnant with our daughter (a planned pregnancy after 4yrs marriage) and now she is alittle over a year old. He has been seeing this woman for over two years. He even helped her to move from her apartment into her own home. I saw her and she is not even attractive. We have been having financial problems b/c of a business venture that he started and his uninhibited spending. He complained that I wasn't losing weight fast enough after I had our daughter. At first he agreed to stop seeing her & we went to couples counseling but after a few sessions he decided it was too expensive to continue and I found out he was still speaking/seeing her. Long story short, he became abusive verbally and physically for about 5 months until I called the police and he had to leave the house and stop all communication with me. It has been difficult b/c he told someone that he thinks he loves this woman and that he loves me but he has not been happy for some time. I just remember us being very happy until this women came into the picture and I can't believe that he is going to throw away everything we have to be with her. We have been together for 8 yrs and married 6 yrs. Our families want us to divorce eachother. I still love him and want to reconcil especially b/c of our daughter. I don't take the abuse lightly that's why I called the police but for 7 1/2 yrs he never abused me and now he is in anger management counseling. He shows no interest in working things out (in fact he refuses to speak to me b/c I got the police involved) and I am so hurt. I feel abandoned and rejected. How could he love her and forget about his love for me and our vows and our child?

For some reason it seems that men tend to be attracted to "needy" women. They like to feel like they are the hero. They need to be needed. The OW in our case was a very unhappy woman, had lost a baby right after its birth, her husband was addicted to drugs, etc. She started confiding in my husband and he evidently was trying to lend an ear at first. I think these women make them feel good about themselves, make them feel needed, like I said, but I don't think they can see the forest for the trees when they are in the middle of it. They confuse this "feeling" they have of being needed and wanted with the real love that comes with commitment and loyalty to their wives. Unfortunately for him, eventually the fairtale usually plays out and runs its course. All it took in our situation was the secret to come out, and then the affair was over. It takes different things for different me in order to hit rock bottom, but until he does, it will probably go on. Just don't be a part in keeping him from hitting the bottom. That's the advice I have. Hope it helps.

On a positive note, you can survive this. Your marriage can survive this. My husband and I are very happy now. Hope this helps.

I agree with everything that has been said. My husband also claimed to have been "unhappy" for a long time. He couldn't come up with anything specific. But his "feelings" started happening at the same time that a "needy" woman at work took an interest in him. Now he says he loves her. There seems to be a pattern here. I think it's important for you to remember that this in NOT your fault. This other woman is no better than you. She could have been anyone. He's unhappy with himself and wants to feel better. He's ashamed and has a hard time facing you. He may soon discover that he's made a mistake or he may hide from it for years. But you can't control that. These are his choices. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Try to be strong. There are so many people here on DS that are living the exact same nightmare. Lean on them. But above all, DON'T let this shatter your faith in yourself. You deserve better.

I agree with a lot of what has been said. I just want to add that it is completely wrong for your H to involve your son by saying what he said. Whatever happens with you two, you need to draw that line in the sand and stick to it. No discussing the marriage with the kids in detail. No blaming each other in front of the kids. No excuses to the kids about the affair. I think what he said to your son was despicable.
If you think his actions are out of character, it just means that you are not aware of the extent of his 'character'.

I am going to have to agree with the needy woman situation.

I was anything but needy to my ex fiance. I had my own home, my own cars, had been at my job for years. The only thing I didnt have ( and still dont) is my health due to lyme disease. But he quickly learned he CANNOT be the hero in THAT situation. And hell? I didnt need help with anything else. I was doing it all.

The bimbette in training he cheated on me with was a druken lush that did drugs and lived off her parents money. She didn't drive, as her license was taken due to a hit and run that SHE caused. She was a real charmer too. real sexy. Looked like a fkn pitbull.

Sweetey it doesn't matter if he didn't feel good about himself...that is no excuse to be unfaithful.