Adultery is generally defined as consensual sexual intercourse by a married person with someone other than his or her lawful spouse. In many jurisdictions, an unmarried person who ...
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Counselor Says It's Over
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I just saw counselor number 3 for the third time. Just like all the others she said my marriage is over. I just have to wait till I'm strong enough on the inside to admit it.
My H confessed to a 2.5 month affair with a coworker that I knew 15 weeks ago. I would have never known if he wouldn't have confessed. Since that time he has continued to lie to me about everything. He will tell me his truth but only after several weeks of my asking the same questions. He says it's because he doesn't want any confrontation with me. He lied about how much time they spent together. How many times they had sex. How much money he spent on her. How much time he took off work to be with her. How much contact he has had with her since D-day and so on. Every couple of weeks he will confess to a new story and I have to start back at square one. I'm at the point I'm looking for that finale lie so I can end this madness. The counselor says he is still sitting on the fence and doesn't want to admit he wants out of the marriage. That's way he confessed to the affair in the first place. He thought I would throw him out. But I didn't. I'm not sure I'm ready to give up on almost 23 years of marriage or what was my best friend for 28 years. I see such sadness in his eyes and such guilt at the same time. At first I still loved my H. But now part of me hates him for the man he allowed himself to become. He has taken no responsibility for his actions. He won't go to anymore counseling (only 4 sessions). He won't read any suggested books. He won't get STD tested and so on. On the outside he is doing everything he should, tells me he's sorry he hurt me, tells me he loves me, helps with the house and kids, tells me when he's going to be late from work. Has given me access to all computers and cell phones. Takes me on trips to the cost, the mountains, shopping trips, movies and out to eat. But it all feels fake and hollow. He's physically there but emotionally checked out. How do I know what he is doing is real or is he just buying time thinking he's keeping me happy so he can still carry on his torch for the OW??? Is my counselor right? Or do I own it to myself to keep living in this disfunctional land a little longer? Posted on 09/26/07, 08:09 pm |
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I have to add one more thing, here I go defending him. But, I'm trying to also keep in mind, my counselor has only heard my side of the story. But I'm sure she can since how hopeless I feel. But should I rely on her opinion that my marriage is over based on what she has heard from me?? I just don't know what to do but I can't continue on this path. My physical health is now starting to suffer not just my mental health. 
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Give him an ultimatum. he either goes to counseling & tell you every story there is to tell or you'll leave. Give him a week or two to do this. It sounds like he's making a real effort by giving you control of his free time, cell & computers. Also,do they still work together? If they do and he's serious about keeping you, he should start pursuing another job soon. If he doesn't do these things, maybe you should kick him out & see what he does. You never know. If he goes to her, then you didn't want him anyway. Good luck,girl.
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You say "on the outside e is doing everything he should" but if, as you say, "He has taken no responsibility for his actions. He won't go to anymore counseling (only 4 sessions). He won't read any suggested books. He won't get STD tested and so on", he isn't doing everything he can. He's selfishly doing exactly what he wants to do, no more no less.
You are right in that the counselor has only heard one side. He/she needs to hear both but at this moment, it doesn't seem likely that will happen unless your husband gets a SERIOUS wake up call. It's up to you to determine when to sound the alarm. Good luck sweetie.
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I too feel your pain! after 25 yrs of marriage my hubby had an affair with a co-worker young enough to be our child!! HOWEVER, Today the Karma kicked in! She and he were down sized! A hugh weight has been taken from my shoulders! I found out 7mo ago to the day and we have been trying to get back on track since then. My block was her still reporting to him as her boss now that is all over with. My hubby goes to counceling with me and tells me it is and has been over since I found out. We have been through hell and back. I lost 30lbs I couldn't afford to loose and he lost his career. Listen very closely to your hubby and to your counslor. Are you all on the same page? Maybe you need another counslor you can both go to and respect. It is hard and I will be praying for you! I never gave up and in the end what goes around comes around. Sit alone for at least 15min a day and think of yourself. Clear your mind and the answers will come. Hang in there!
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DUMP HIS FILTHY DISGUSTING BUTT!!!!! YOU KEEP GETTING YOUR COUNSELING AND ALSO GO TO YOU CHURCH'S SINGLES NIGHT...GOD AHS BETTER BLESSINGS IN STORE FOR YOU. HE DON"T WANT....HE SHOULD NO LONGER HAVE ANY WANTS...PUSH HIS BUTT TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE AND LET HIM STAY
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I feel if he is doing things on the outside , great , however he needs to feel remorseful and guilty on the inside and that he will give you the answers you need, he has lost all, nothing more to lose by telling you , only to gain himself back.
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to meach:
My H and the OW no longer work together. He left his job of 22 years 1 week before he confessed. He now works in a different county over 40 miles from her. I am almost positive he hasn't seen her since D-Day but I know he has talked to her and email. Although I have found NO !!!!! evidence. He confesses after being pushed about it. He even emailed her to warn her 4 weeks ago when he found out I knew where she lived. He said he didn't want trouble and asked her to call him if she saw me instead of the police. Why wouldn't he just tell me to stay away from her???? I would love to replay a scene from "Carrie" on her ass.
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Sudzy, nobody can tell you your marriage is over until you feel it yourself. You are the one who has to live with the decision. 15 weeks is a very small percentage of 23 years of marriage. I would vote for more time but ONLY if he will agree to go to another counseler with you. You can't save the marriage alone.
You might try the "fishbowl" technique that some counselers recommend. You put all your questions about his affair in a bowl and once a week the two of you sit down together and he picks one out. If a question is too difficult or painful to answer that day, he puts it back in and picks another, but eventually he has to answer them all. He is still in mourning over the end of his affair, and that is very painful for you to endure, but it will end in time if he is SERIOUS about saving your marriage. I know you feel hopeless, and I share that feeling with you more days than not, but I believe in putting up a bit of a fight. It's not over until it's really and truly over for you. Don't let anyone make decisions for you. This one is up to you. ((((HUGS))))
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So much of this sounds like my husband, but my mother and counselor say it isn't over until you decide to stop living a life like this. So ultimately, you decide. I'm pretty sure my husband is screwing up too because he is a coward and will not leave, but screws up thinking I will kick him out , but I haven't yet.
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This counselor sounds very unusual..typically they do not get involved in forcing decisions on you.....thir job is to help you clarify your own feelings,decisions. It's also so soon after you found out. Everyone is still in shock. Why would anyone make any decision so soon after D-day?
Your emotions are on a rollercoaster now-you will hate him one day,love him the next, never want to see him then miss him terribly. Finally make a decision that you want a divorce and then just as suddenly definitely decide that you want to save the marriage. Join the club. I think that you need to find a new counselor. Someone who has experience dealing with adultery issues but also believes in trying to preserve marriages. All the books say that 75% of couples stay together after an affair-so what is this person talking about? It is NOT an easy road but lots of couples on DS are trying to work things out.
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