Infidelity Support Group

When we set up boundaries, we did it together. That's because she had to agree to the boundaries and the consequences of crossing the boundaries. She agreed that if she crossed the boundaries, then she would be leaving. That puts all the pressure on her. If she chooses to cross the boundaries, then she has chosen to not stay...not questions asked.

So, boundaries are not about control. They are about agreeing to things that will make you feel better and learn to trust...and will help him to get past this addiction he has.

So, the boundaries we had were simple: No contact of any kind with the OM. That one was put into place for all of eternity.

The other minor agreements we made were things you've heard before: She gave up her cell phone for a short time. We changed her phone number and got rid of text messaging on her phone. She agreed for a period of time to not have alone time on the computer. After I installed the keylogger, that was not a problem. For several weeks, she agreed to not go anywhere without either me or the kids with her. Once we got past that, she only went somewhere when she called me to tell me where she was going and what she was going to do and she would call again to let me know she was leaving and what she actually did. Frequently, she would email me from work to tell me about her day and that she hadn't done anything. She gave me all her passwords so I could read email if I needed to read. Those were just agreements and not boundaries for very long. Some of those have been lifted as she has built back trust.

She also wanted to say that she would never again have a close friendship with another man. So, I gladly agreed to that one. I guess that's still a boundary.

So, I would suggest that a boundary is something that you want in constant place as a line to never cross. I would suggest no going to adult bookstores ever again, no contact with anyone whom he ever met for sex, no contact with prostitutes, no secret email accounts or secret cell phones, no secrets at all.

Well put Jay, well put... You described the meaning of boundaries perfectly, they are there to estabilish trust to the hurt person... Couldn't have put it better myself, props...

what you have is willingness. you have a partner that wants to try and earn your trust back. what's wrong with a bandaid? everyone puts them on a wound, and you always know when it's time to take it off.

Thank you so much Jay, and thanks especially for taking the time to not only explain yours but think up some ones you know I would need.

Do you have any other consequences than leaving?

The thing about the bandaid-I know when it comes off I will be really hard for me to not snoop. I hate when I do it. I feel like I am doing something bad, and that is enough for me to be uncomfortable. I know I have every right to protect myself, but I feel crummy doing it.

As far as other consequences...we didn't have any. It was all or nothing. If she crossed those major boundaries, she would not be able to stay. It really has to be something big and something final. But, when dealing with an addict, I don't know...is he likely to slip up and will not be able to go cold turkey? If so, can you leave with it again? So, the boundary should really be a mutual decision. He'll have to agree to the consequences. But, if the consequences are something he thinks he can live with, then it may not stop him. Has to be a pretty severe thing to remind him that he has to make the right decision.