Adultery is generally defined as consensual sexual intercourse by a married person with someone other than his or her lawful spouse. In many jurisdictions, an unmarried person who ...
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Passwords
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I'm just curious to know where most stand on this issue. For several years now, I have had the password to husband's e-mail account. It's something that he gave me in good faith and I honestly never used it until last Fall, when I sensed that something was wrong. Of course, that is when I discovered that he had been a relationship with an OW since 2004! "My bad" for not checking sooner!
Naturally, he was upset that I had violated his private space...but he acknowledged that that wasn't the time to get into a back and forth about functioning above board. Bottom line...he never changed the password. I snooped again, challenged him, and still...he never changed it. It wasn't until this past July, after I'd trespassed once again, only to find out that it had taken him much longer to break it off with the OW than he'd said, that he finally changed it. Honestly, I was relieved when I tried to gain access to his account and couldn't. Checking his mail had become like a drug and it had reached the point where it was litterally bad for my health! I have since come to realise that the exchange of passwords etc... between spouses is actually common place and there are some who actully demand to be privy to such details. So my question is this...should I insist that he gives me the new password. We are still in a period of regaining trust and I'm not sure I'd be able to resist the occaisional peek to see what's going on. By the same token, if he is done and really on his way to a staighter path, then there should be no reluctance to give it to me. Is it really any of my business??? Just curious to know what others think. Posted on 09/10/07, 04:09 pm |
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I don't think I would have been able to gain trust back if she had not given me her passwords. Of course, there are always the free yahoo accounts that they don't have to tell you about. So, I got a keylogger that showed me her accounts and her passwords. That way, I didn't have to wonder if she was trying to hide something else. I could read everything she typed and to who. I knew the websites she was going to. So, that was one of the best things I did.
You are right, it can become an obsession. But, after they've proven themselves, it is easier to give up that control issue and go on with life. Bottom line: I think you have every right to know his new password. And, if he has nothing to hide, he'll give it to you. 
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there shouldn't be a problem if he has nothing to hide. i created a word document with every single account i have and the password that goes to it- banks, credit cards, email accounts, dailystrength.org website, etc. your H should be willing to do anything that will put your mind at ease. i don't know if my H has a keylogger on my computer but even if he did, i wouldn't care because that is the situation i have created and i don't want him to think i have anything hidden from him. if having access to that account will help build your trust, especially since that is how it was broken in the first place, he should be willing to give it to you.
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I think I know this in my heart, but there is this underlying - overwhelming, really - fear that my worst nightmare may become realised. I can still tap into that blood chilling feeling when I got confirmation that my husband was involved with someone else. She actually referred to him as her "soul-mate"....another woman's husband...THE NERVE!!!
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I totally agree with JayLGee2. It has helped me alot being able to check if I so happen to need to. He is the one who has done wrong not you. He should be compltetly open with you. I have looked into his email and after several times of finding nothing I look less now. But it was a huge help.
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But wouldn't you rather know if your H was still engaging in an affair rather than just not having access and not being able to check? You deserve to know. And if he isn't going to be honest to your face, then you have every right to do whatever it takes to get the truth.
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I absolutely would want to know! I'm just not feeling that cofident in my strength to handle any curve balls right now. I will ask him and see what response I get. That might be more telling than reading into message after message.
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I also feel that you should definitely ask for his password. My husband and I had long ago decided to exchange passwords, and I didn't even think about his getting a yahoo account. But, if he's not doing anything wrong, there should be no reason why you can't look into what he is doing. Mine is always open for my husband, and when he's had a question, I've been able to give honest answers. I feel that if he's being honest, he can do the same for me. Especially now.
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My thoughts...
He gave me total access. Nothing was going on. But his behavior was still fishy to me. So I installed a monitoring program. Guess what? He had set up not one but TWO new email addresses which he used to communicate with her. Additionally, he voluntarily gave up his cell phone. Guess what? SHE bought him one that he hid in his car and I found only because I found the email accounts and decided to do a little more detective work when he was out of town. Bottom line. If they want to do it tey will and no amount of checking up on them is going to deter it unless you have the patience of Job (which I do) and I truly believe that I finally wore the both of them out. That and the fact that I started packing his shit when he refused to do so himself, made him realize just what he had to lose and exactly what he was going to gain - a woman with morals even looser than his who he shared no history or children with and who really was only in it for someone to take care of her and her kid since his dad wanted nothing to do with him. Heard some rumors that the childs father divorced her because he discovered the cild WAS NOT HIS biologically. Real prize that one was.
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because my partner has moved out, i made him change his password to bank and email. i found i was constantly torturing myself by looking at them, every 15 minutes so it seemed. i figured that this was something i could control, i just had to take away the option of looking. since he has changed the passwords i have felt better. if he was to move back in with me tho, i think i would deffinatly want passwords and details of email accounts. he was the one who broke the trust so i have every right to invade his privacy until he proves that i have nothing to worry about.
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I agree with all above. However in my case I've found that a cheater and liar will give it all up, that is, what they have at the moment to smooth things over. Honest and open in the moment...not with any intent to not deceive in the future.
But I've been bitten 3 times this way, so I might not be the best person to offer advice. There are just too many ways and too many places for email accounts to be set up and for identities to be switched. Let alone work email and instant messaging that can't be monitored. IMHO it's a fools errand to try to keep tabs on all of it. Like you said it becomes a drug and obsession that makes living a happy life impossible. I know oh too well. Don't do that to yourself.
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