Infidelity Support Group

First- DO NOT CALL YOURSELF PATHETIC!! your not!! Its completely understandable that your torn. There is something wrong with this man if hes going out and drinking instead of celebrating the joy of a new baby! I'm glad he's willing to see a therapist it shows that he is willing to change. As far as the job goes you need to tell him how hard this is for you and if he truly wants to be with you he needs to find a new job. Be strong! After what he's done he shouldnt be telling you that hes unsure if he wants to be with you, YOU should be telling him that you are unsure that you are willing to forgive him for his horrible behavior. This is about you being hurt, you were the victim of his actions. So why are you allowing him to play the victim right now. Hes the one that did you wrong, he should be sorry for what he did and begging you to take him back. Don't show him your weakness, show him your strength and that you will be able to survive without him and maybe then he'll realize what he's about to lose because right now it seems like although he might be sorry he still doesn't realize what he's done/is doing to you.

No one is going to be harsh because nothing is your fault. many of us here have decided to work on our relationships. I feel the same way. I think many of us are unsure and worried about the future. The good thing is that he is going to counseling. The bad news is that he still has contact with her. He has to be 100 % committed for your relationship to work. He needs to decide what he wants. he can't have both worlds. You have to do for you and your baby. Good luck.

I don't really know how old you or your husband are. It sounds to me like he's not quite grown up, yet. I do think that a lot of us men have trouble giving up the freedom of the single life. When we grow up, we take on responsibility and it's just not as much fun. So, many men resist the urge. I didn't get married until I was almost 30. I was not ready for it a day before that. But, when I made the decision to commit and to take care of my wife and family, I did it. At least, I tried. Some men just don't want to grow up. But, he's already made that choice. He decided to marry you. He needs to grow up. He needs a dose of the real world. He can't always have what he wants. There are other people in his little bubble that will be affected. His decisions affect other people. It doesn't really matter if he thinks the may not want to be in a relationship. He's in one. He's a father. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for what he needs to do.

Just to add - my husband and I have been together since I was 19 and he was 20, which is 13 years now. We've been married for 6 years. Of which I believe we did a lot with our lives together. We've traveled, we bought a house and finally planned to have our beautiful daughter two years ago. So, that is why I am so confused about why he feels the need to revert back to this twenty-something irresponsible person. That is what he is working on in his counseling sessions. Maybe his therapist is right in that it may have something to do with his harsh childhood - which it was. And again, he and I both know that that is no excuse to cheat. But this is why I am torn. I love him, I know he wants to work this out, he's asking me to be patient, he's trying to make it easier for me to heal by changing his ways for the most part, but there still is something inside of him where he wants to be this other person and live this other life and that is why I question if I should just make it easy on the both of us and just leave him to sort out his issues alone.

I think an important message to never forget is that you have to take care of yourself in the midst of all of this. If you need to take your baby and leave for a while to take care of yourself, then you should do that. Don't stay in a situation that is unhealthy for you or else you won't be able to face the situation with a strong head. Leaving and staying somewhere else for a while doesn't mean you are walking away or that things are over. You just might need space and time. And come to think of it, you really should be the one to stay and he should be the one to go if need be. Even if seperating for a while isn't the answer, just remember to listen to your own heart and do things to keep yourself healthy.

No one absolutly "wants" all the hard times, problems and responsabilities that come with thier life. Everyone sometimes feels that the'd like to break free from the daily grind, being responsable to thier family, work, friends going through a hard time, children, aging parents...there are ALL KINDS of things that are hard.
It's always great to think about what it was like when you were....a child or teen-ager with no responsabilities....single and only responsible to yourself... all of that.
But it's an illusion and it's selfish.
The REALITY is that when you WERE 13 / 16 / 25 ...whenever it is that you are trying to get back to...life wasnt so great then. You wanted to be older and respected and have responsabilities that you were trusted with.
When you are in school - you want to get it overwith and get a real job. Then whan you have a job - you think of how fun it was in school...

If your husband was not with you - his life wouldnt be any easier. He would still have all the responsabilities.
If he thinks for one second he can shrug off his parental responsability then he's a jerk.
Otherwise - you are his support system and make his life easier. Without you - he'd have MORE responsabilities (have to take care of himself) ....and he'd probably be lonley.

Does he REALLY think that YOU are 100% satisfied every moment of every day taking care of your family - having less interaction with adults because you are taking care of your child, taking care of the house - cooking for him, cleaning, washing the clothes...none of that is what every woman wants to grow up to do...it's PART of LIFE and EVERYONE has to do it for themself. If you have a family - you share responsabilities.

There are some mothers who have full time baby-sitters and house keepers and can go out and have fun all day with thier friends or persue whatever they want. They dont keep the house, cook, etc...
And for people who cant afford that - there are families where the wife AND husband work - then the wife go's to school or go's out - and the husband comes home and cleans the house, takes care of the children and family...

What does YOUR husband DO for his family? To make your life easier and his childrens life better?
If he's got enough time to cheat, get bored, think about "fun" instead of responsability...then it sound like he's not DOING very much.

Forget about his urge to be a "care free irrisponsible person"...he's not doing too much - the problem is that he's not doing enough.
He wouldnt be care-free alone. It doesnt work that way. You wouldnt be there to pick up the slack.
He'd have fun for awhile - and then find things falling apart, or he'd be lonely, or living in filth...whatever. And it wouldnt be so fun anymore.

A Grown woman with a child to care for doesnt need a 34 yr old baby to have to take care of too.

You AND your husband BOTH need to STOP thinking about only what HE wants, what HIS needs are, His insecurities, his restlessness....
and instead or AT LEAST ALSO - think about what YOU and your FAMILY need, what YOU want, and what it is that HE IS CONTRIBUTING. What has HE DONE FOR YOU.

He may be going through a phase or somthing - just dont accept that everything needs to be about HIM. He's being selfish and a baby.

You should express to him what it is that YOU dont want 100% of the time for YOU or your CHILD ...where HE's not providing the "ideal" perfect easy life that a selfish wife may expect or want.

You have every right to doubt, be confused, feel bad, and feel that YOUR NEEDS are not being met.
They arent.
He's too busy thinking of his.

Just make sure to call him on HIS part in HIS unhappyness, HIS part in the lack of communication, HIS part in any unease of family or married life, HIS part in HIS OWN life and HIS FAMILIES life.
What about THAT? Does he THINK about that? Probably not.

Make him do more work, he may find it easier to think and make decisions for himslef if he is forced to start WORKING more to take care of himself and his responsabilities.
He's got too much time on his hands if he's worried about wanting to have fun and an easy life....
And it's making YOUR life hard.
Make him do ANYTHING that YOU do FOR him. Take care of himself - and FORCE him to take a more active role in taking care of his child / responsabilities around the house,etc...

Sara..you are right ON! I find my husband is saying similar things to me and boy you set me straight as far as his words having any validity when in actualality they don't..Thank you.

Please don't give him the power over YOUR life. YOU did nothing wrong. HE did. No doubt whenever you both were going through the difficulties of a newborn, lack of communication, etc. etc. etc...YOU weren't as happy as you could be either..but you didn't find solace in the arms of someone else.
Don't wait around for him to decide something for you. Leave. Go forward, reclaim your life. Start being happy again. That will happen when enough time passes. IF he truly wants you, he'll do the work necessary to make sure that you can go forward and have a happy marriage.
If he tells you he doesn't want you 100% of the time, give him NONE of your time. It's easy to mouth the words, and even go through the motions of counseling. But unless/until he gets his head out of his butt and realizes that THIS is the life he chose when he said "I do" and created a family with you, I'd not give him the time of day. Not until he does a LOT of work.
You're not pathetic...not at all. You've had a hard blow, that would knock anyone's world off its' axis. It's easy to be confused when you're getting conflicting emotions from the man you married.
Good luck, I wish you the best.

Thank you so much everyone and Sara, I am going to print out what you wrote and read it again and again. I appreciate everyone's input as I need the advice and support and to hear from people who can relate to my situation. Many thanks to everyone.