Infidelity Support Group

That is a decision you have to make. I had to ask myself if I could ever trust him again. Mine lied too. I had to say I am better than that. It is hard and will be hard, believe me. Hang in there.

I am so sorry you are going through this and that it is so fresh and painful. My husband, Jay, who is also on this board might be able to help you. In our case, I had the affair, and we are working on our marraige. His screen name is JayLGee. He has great insight

I guess my questions that I ask myself so much are what is the insurance that he does not do this again, when things get hard?
There are no assurances. He CAN do it again.

Can I survive taking him back and letting him do this to me again?
Can you?

Is that what I need (to be hurt again so severely) to really walk away?
I'm not certain. Only you know the answer to this.

Does everyone deserve a second chance, no matter how awful a "mistake" (another phrase I dislike)?
No. Lol. There are some people who do not deserve a second chance. My ex was a prime example of that. Yours cheated twice. Seems like you have already given him a second chance.

What is best for my daughter?
To be in a happy home. Whether broken or not. Broken homes can be quite happy.

Am I just holding on to the memory (or maybe it was just a fantasy) of who he used to be, or who I wanted him to be?

Possibly. He surely is not what he made himself OUT to be, and you have to take that into consideration.

Lastly, can I ever forgive, and is it worth it?
That, only you know the answer to.

Your Husband is the one who has an issue with being married. Not you. Seems like you have done all you can. You do realize his cheating is NOT your fault, correct? Its his.

I have went through exactly what you are going through. The only way that you can ensure that he will never do this again, to you, is to get the hell away from him. What if he gives you a disease? And yes, I think we tend to be in love with who we want them to be rather than who they really are. Once I realized this, walking away was the easiest thing to do. Good luck!

This is still new to you. You are going to hurt. Two affairs in your first two years does says alot about the man to whom you are married. You are right, the lies hurt very much...almost more than the affair. It hurts a lot when you place your trust in someone else's hands and they crush it.

The fact is, he CAN have another affair. There is nothing you can do about it. If he wants to do it, he will. I'm glad he's seeking counseling. You will probably need it, too. I started individual counseling as soon as I found out about my wife's affair. We didn't start marital counseling until months later, when I was ready to say that we might could make this work.

The thing is, you probably won't survive him doing this again. My wife had to see me at the absolute bottom of the barrel before she understood that the lies had to stop. She knew that I had reached my limit. If I found out that she had told one more lie, I would be permanently gone. It sounds like your husband will get away with exactly what you let him get away with. You need to make your boundaries perfectly clear. Either he stops all contact, or he's out of there. You can't handle anything else. You can't handle getting an STD from him. You can't take it anymore.

You are ultimately going to have to decide what is best for you and your daughter. It certainly isn't best for either of you if he continues to do this. You can forgive, but he's going to have to do most of the work in that. He's going to have to prove himself worthy of your forgiveness and he's going to have to be accountable to you for his time. He can't have a private life anymore. He has to be an open book to you. My wife gave up passwords, cell phone, text messaging...everything. She didn't go anywhere by herself for several weeks. She always asked if I felt it was okay for her to go to the store. She worked hard to gain back my trust. You have to have a lot of deposits in the trust bank before he can even think about withdrawing from it by doing something on his own. If he's not willing to adjust his secret life to include you in everything, then don't even think about trying to make it work. It won't.

Awakening,
I am so sorry. It is difficult enough to be a young mother and having this discovered is so devastating.

I would never advise someone to leave or stay, except when in physical danger one should get out of harms way.

But, what about emotional danger? There are many factors to use to make your decision. I recommend some books, see post "how does he earn respect" (parapharased). I suggest getting an understanding of what is happening to you inside. You are asking yourself the right questions. Continue to reach out to the really nice people here. And realize that there is a period of shock that one goes through and final decisions are best left until your head is clear. Get therapy for you if you can, that will help.

Awakening, no more just friends. He obviously can't be trusted to have female friends. And he's a married man, have married male friends. That's why I really love Church because we can fellowship with people of like beliefs. Yes the lies do hurt and they hurt a lot. Two affairs in the first two years. Well I know how you feel. It's the first time you've visited this topic so I believe that he deserves a second chance, but I would definitely get a legal agreement in writing stating clearly what the settlement will be should he be caught doing this again. Outline money, property settlements and he must agree to your terms in order to enter back into the marriage. That may also be an eye opener for him. Perhaps he will stop and think before he commits such foolish acts next time. This way he knows up front what sort of financial ruin he's looking at and that may be enough motivation for him to change his actions. Also I strongly suggest Church and Bible Study. My Husband does that every week. This is to remind him of who he is and what he "supposedly" believes in. This is an ongoing road of change and it will not happen overnight. He cheated on you for the first two years and while you had a baby at home. In order to affect behaviorial change whatever re-inforcement you decide on needs to take place a minimum of every week.