Infidelity Support Group

I am not the OW... I was cheated on but I have been friends with many slutty women in my life and most of them get so weak when any man is around. It is like any intelligence they had before goes out the window when they are getting attention from a man. It is based around their own insecurities and they do not think about anything except the way they feel when they are getting that attention. After all is said an done... THEN, they have feelings of remorse and "I cannot believe how stupid I was, why did I do that? Why did I believe that he cared about me?" Usually, the guy did not even act like he liked her from what I saw but somehow, she convinced herself that he cared. The OW have so many more issues going on inside of them than we do (as the hurt partners) because they are so confused in their own being that they can convince themselves that someone else's husband cares about them (when they know good, damn well that it was just about sex). I feel a bit sorry for them myself. Anyone can get laid, that is really not very impressive. They accomplished nothing except heartache and they will/do have a lot of shame in themselves they will need to deal with someday. :)

This is so true. I am not, never have been, and never will be an OW but from what my H has told me, and what I know myself about the OW she has her own version of reality. She thinks she is truely special. She believes that these men love her soooooooo much that they will betray and disregard their wives and girlfriends just to be in her presence, but they would never betray or lie to her. If they stay with their wives or girlfriends it is just because the men are weak and their women interfere with the true love she has with these guys. The men are so weak that they cannot hurt their wives or are being threatened with financial ruin, etc. otherwise they would definitely be with her. She's pathetic.

The only real victim is the betrayed spouse. You mentioned the fact that the cheater is in a committed marriage which is true but in the eyes of an OW/OM, the mere fact that he/she is going outside of their marriage shows their lack of committment. Many OW's/OM's believe the cheater just like the wife/husband always believes them. No one knows that there is lying going on until after the affair is exposed and everyone gets hurt. In my case, the MM made it clear that he was leaving and wasn't happy for a long time. He went as far as moving out-not for me, but for himself knowing that he didn't want to be married anymore.
I know that he should have told his wife that he wanted to leave way before I came into the pic. I find that very cowardess because he knew that she would be scared and hurt and feel alone if he did that. Having an affair made it all even that much worse on her. Not only did she question his love for her but to add insult to injury, he was with me which probably made her question things about herself like many betrayed wives have done in this forum.
As far as your question why would we hurt someone who hasn't done anything to us I will answer honestly as to how I felt last year about it. Please note, that I understand now that they were lies but I didn't have any reason back then to not believe him. When we first got together it was the typical affair where he was confused and leaned on me for friendship. As that friendship got closer, he opened up more about his relationship with his wife. Everything that came out of his mouth about it were negative. It made me believe him even more that he was no longer committed to her. His lies about her made me think that she was not making him happy emotionally or physically. Because I had feelings for him I took his side (sort of speak) and was therefore angry with him. I supported everything that he said just like you would support your H or W when they told you things.
I'm sure that there are OW's and OM's who do this all the time and could care less about anything but having sex or getting what they can out of it. There are also ones like me who go into it convinced that their marriage is really over and that they are no longer committed to their spouse and are committed to us.
My secret feelings for the MM prior to the affair is what made me cross that line for the first time ever. Without those feelings I would have never done it. I know that for a fact. I fought my feelings for a long time because I knew how wrong it was. Our decision to cross that line didn't come easy for either one of us. It took weeks of not being able to sleep or eat or concentrate on anything else. The whole guilt process started way before the physical part happened. The physical part started when we gave in to our selfish feelings. Both of us were selfish in not caring what the consequences would be.
We both behaved unethically because our feelings at the time allowed us to.
It was only after d-day that he denied to have had feelings. Because of that, it made me feel used and like the scum of the earth that you all so clearly describe OW's/OM's.

Knowing what I know now as far as how men (in my case) will lie, I know that I will never be a sucker again. I don't trust as easily as I used to. Live and Learn right?

I was thinking about what all this boils down to and what came to mind was one word. Emotions. Emotions of the cheater at the time and emotions of the OW/OM. This alone (in my opinion) is what causes affairs to happen.
When the rebuilding takes place after an affair they talk about filling the love bank and the 5 languages of love. Having those emotional needs in check is one sure way of keeping things in check. When we are emotionally fullfilled, everything falls into place. It's up to us as people to communicate when something bothers us. Otherwise, how can we fix it? I've learned so much about relationships here and how much work it takes. Both parties have to be willing to work to be happy and have a sucessful relationship.

As the OW of a MM...
1st I just want to say, I am giving my honest opinion and I would appreciate it that I do not get attacked from my response... The question was asked, and being that emeraldflame and myself have become "friends" here, I wanted to give some insight on the situation.

For me and my OM... Honestly, we did not think about the consequences until later on... When the affair first started, there was so much excitement and emotion that we strictly just went off of our feelings that we had for each other. The first month was all about me and him. This might hurt some of the betrayed, But it was amazing. You know that feeling when you first start dating someone? Ya know, with the butterflies. That feeling that you so quickly lose after your married??.. Well thats exactly how it starts. Just like any other relationship. We didnt think of anyone else (as awful as that sounds)...After the 1st month, thats when all of the guilt came in. We both started to realize just how selfish we were being, that we both had families at home to take care of. And "WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING"!!! When we were together, we started to talk about what exactly it was that we were doing... The more we spoke of it, the more wrong it seemed. So to make things right, We ended it. The A lasted for 3 months, and then some on and off things... I never thought about him treating me differently than his wife. If he lies to his wife, what make me think he wont lie to me you asked? I didnt think of it. B/C what me and him had started was between me and him. We both told eachother that we would never leave our spouses. So it was an understood deal. We never expected emotions to get in the way. It was supposed to be fun.
Anyways.. I am not sure if this answered anything that you asked, or made you feel worse than before. But a lot of the time the cheaters do not think of their spouses at first. But why do you think that most affairs end??. B/C at the end of the day, we are people too, who just made a really bad choice. And have a lot of guilt, and really and truly feel remorseful for what we have done.

Thanks dear friends who responded honestly to me and betrayed people don't flame the cheaters OM/OW anymore unless they are cruel! None of what you said was anything different than anything else I've been told, including what my H told me. Again, this is not a putdown, but did any of the OM/OW do research on how often the cheater actually leaves and stays gone?

Recently I watched a special on WE or Oxygen. It was called "Secret Lives Of Women-Mistresses." It portrayed three different women.

One of the women portrayed was a Professional Dominatrix. According to her the men she saw were not cheating, because she didn't have sex with them! I wonder how the wives of the men would feel about that!

Basically, the MM and the Pro Domme justified what they were doing by saying that since his sexual needs were not getting met inside his marriage, it was OK for him to go outside of his marriage!

Wonder how the wives of these MM would feel about money being spend this way?

Another of the women they portrayed was a single woman who met men online and "dated" married men. She only "dated" MM who were, doctors, lawyers, CEO's. Apparently if a man has money he is automatically trustworthy and honest!

She "dated" aka had one night stands with a lot of different men. Usually they were from out of town, took her out for an expensive dinner, back to their hotel suite, and well, sure you can figure out the rest!

She did have one "serious" long term relationship with a MM who said that he and his wife were "friends" and never had sex anymore, etc., Yeah, right! Here's the part that gets to me. Why are the wives willing to stay in a marriage that isn't really a marriage? Are they cheating as well, or just walking around incredibly horny? As nice as sex toys are and as enjoyable as masturbation is, a real, life, person-to-person encounter is nice!

I know, we have incredibly low self-esteem and no sex drive whatsoever!

The third woman portrayed was involved with a MM for five years. She loved him and he loved her, at least that's what she thought. He left his pregnant wife for the OW, temporarily, and it wasn't all moonlight and roses when they finally got to be together 24/7.

Note, the sarcasm I am about to use is not directed to anyone on this site.

Apparently living with someone on a day-to-day basis and dealing with them and their lives is not the same as having an affair! In other words, someone has to clean the toilet!

Needless to say, he went back to his wife.

I have observed two patterns of types of leis the cheater tells the OP. Their H or W is the H or W from hell. The marriage is basically over, they are only staying for the kids, etc. In my H's case he said that he was only staying because of my MS!

Yes, he is such a noble person!

The other pattern is that the H or W says that the marriage is not really a marriage, separate bedrooms, no sex, etc. The couple are only together for "the children" "financial reasons."

Yeah, right. Although I do say that in Leigh's case, assuming you were truthful, and I certainly felt like you were being totally honest when I read what you posted, I can honestly say that I think what you did was understandable. I can see why it happened.

Sounds like your life has lots of the same crazy-making stuff that my own does!

OOPS, forgot to include this. I believe that only around 3% of married or otherwise committed people leave their partners for the OP. For those of you who hoped and believed that the relationship was going to be permanent did you not know what a low percentage of people actually leave their partners permanently? And also, if someone cheats on their primary partner, why would you believe they would be faithful to you?

AKALost, thanks for the following! IT MAKES SENSE! "You mentioned the fact that the cheater is in a committed marriage which is true but in the eyes of an OW/OM, the mere fact that he/she is going outside of their marriage shows their lack of committment."

And you are right! Your point is LOGICAL! And as everyone knows, Barb loves logic!

Leigh, dear, your situation is so unique, my poor little pea-sized brain is in a whirl! Obviously, my Heart Aches for you! Your pain load sounds like it might be even heavier than mine is and it is not often that I say that!

Hopefully, nobody found out about the affair! Speaking as a Betrayed Spouse, I wish I didn't know! Knowing about his Infidelity only made an already painful situation much, much, worse!

To answer your question Emerald about if we did research on what the percentage of them leaving the marriage and staying with the OW/OM, I would say no. I was clueless about any of this since it never happened before. My best friend married her OM. They are still together after 13ish years. She married very young (17) and her 1st H was a serial cheater. Her second husband (the OM) was never married and was her shoulder to lean on in her case. He was there for her when her H was out galavanting around while she was constantly in the hospital for health problems. I actually didn't know this whole story until a few years that we were best friends. I suppose it's not something that would come up in everyday conversations and when she did tell me I had mixed feelings about it but thought if they loved each other, that's all that counts. Her H knows that if he cheats on her, he will have to deal with me, her and some of our other close friends.

Barb,

I am not an OW obviously, but I think there was really something to say about the self delusions chopstix was talking about in her post earlier. It's not logical thinking at the time- I would hope that if someone were thinking logically then they wouldn't get involved with a married person in the first place. However their circumstances led them to not think logically. Therefore, for those who know that the person they are with is lying to someone else and therefore very untrustworthy, they make themselves believe that the cheater IS telling the truth, that they ARE someone special. Then when it turns out that the cheater has been lying, won't leave their spouse, and has three other OM/OW, the person feels used, duped, and hurt. They forget the fact that they allowed themselves to be tricked because they knew what they were getting into because it's really hard to admit that you're wrong, especially when you feel hurt. I think it's really easy for people to point fingers and balme someone else instead of looking in the mirror.

At the same time, I don't feel that just because some OW/OM consider themselves victims, that they are. Look, I can walk around pretending that the sky is orange. I can tell myself that, I can make myself actually believe it. But the fact is that the sky isn't orange and that's just something else I am wrong about.