Infidelity Support Group

You entirely right. It is that easy. Stop lying and cheating, that's not an unreasonable request. But...he said himself that HE was not ready for it to end. Apparently that is the truth because he has continued to entertain the thought of being with her.

Not you, or anybody else can make him give her up or want to let her go. That is a choice he must make and you have no choice but accept. Hard as it is, you have to decide what you can and cannot live with. Maybe a separation is in order and that would give him a chance to decide on his own what he really wants and can live with. It can also give you a chance to decide the same thing before making the more dramatic change of divorce.

Good luck and God bless...
Eve

WOW, I am so sorry. I know this does set you back, right to the beginning.
I agree with evie. It is that simple! However, that was his choice, and maybe you should consider some time apart to let him evaluate what is more important to him. I think his marriage is, but it seems like he is being extremely selfish.

I agree. But they are not just selfish, but immature and in a way like spiteful children.
And since I fell in love with my H for his intelligence and sense of responsibility (among other things) this is the biggest turn-off for me. I`m not sure I can get over that.

I agree too. It is that simple if he wants to fix the marriage. His choice to continue things with her and lie to you about it flies in the face of any true desire to fix the marriage. If he truly wanted that he would have stopped the lying and cheating.

Thanks everyone. He says he doesn't want to be with her and wants us to move forward and enjoy the rest of our lives together. He's adopted the mantra "move on - its over". Well if that is true he needs to "move on" also and stop engaging with her. He doesn't do any of the things he puts out there, but its like he just keeps bringing them up to string her along and see if she will take him up on anything and then he ignores her. Its crazy.

You are right Kallista - it is like a spiteful child. "You made me stop playing with my friend and I did, but I am going to continue to talk to her even if I can't play with her anymore and you can't stop me -waaaaaaaah". He just keeps saying "but I've been good, I've been good" and "I am so proud of myself for stopping the sex". He thinks that stopping the sex and turning down or just ignoring some of her requests makes him good even though he initiates the contact and gets her started engaging with him again. I'm just so sick of it.

He also tried to tell me that he told me about the emails and that we discussed it. I have an excellent memory which can actually be a burden at times. I know what he did and didn't tell me about and when. He often tells me weeks after the fact or just when he gets caught then makes it seem as if we were together on the whole thing from the start and he wasn't hiding anything from me. It is so frustrating and infuriating.

Am I being too sensitive? Maybe I should just be grateful for the progress he has made. He just doesn't understand how this continuing contact hurts me no matter how benign it is. I want him to just leave her alone and let it die, but he doesn't see why this bothers me so much.

He actually suggested that I should have an affair so he might get some insight. I told him I was not going to stoop to that level and compromise my integrity just to get him to understand. I explained that if I still love him and want to be married to him I am not going to be able to have that kind of relationship with someone else because I don't just fall into bed with people unless I really feel something for them and if that happens we are probably over. I can't throw those kinds of feelings around casually. I have found that I can only love someone that way one person at a time. He actually said that I could do this with the limitation that we not have sex of any kind at our beach house which is where I would be living. I reminded him that he did oral with the OW in the living room of our other home so I should be able to do the same. He said no absolutely not. I love that he is already making rules for an affair that I will never have, but he and the OW thought I was so controlling and possessive when I tried to make rules during their relationship.

This just sucks. I thought I was moving past this.

He needs a taste of reality, you have every right to demand no contact. He may want you to have an affair more to ease his conscience.

man..your H is something else why would he tell you he didn't want to end the affair. Uhm I seriously doubt he would like for you to be screwing someone on the side. Some men are so freakin complicated. Like my situation My H would go so freakin bonkers if I hugged or kissed another man much less screw or have an affair, but he felt it was ok for him to screw someone else?? I don't get it. I know why, because they know what they got and they are taking advantage. They want their cake and to eat it, too. I'm glad you put your foot down when you did.. Its up to you if you want to stay. It is in the past and damn you found out more, but I think you need to ask him if there is anything else you need to know before you find out and then if more comes out you have to make your decision. Whatever that is. Trust I don't know if I'll ever do that with my H I just feel like i could see through him now and I know better about that type of woman or even the chifladas(flirts)...Anyway the gut feeling yep now I know its there for a reason.

Geeze! All I can say is sorry girl. :( You are right when you say it isn't that hard to stop lying & cheating....some people are just habitual liars. What really bothers me (I mean besides his saying you should have an affair! *roll eyes*) is that he doesn't seem to acknowledge your feelings why you are so upset by this! :-o He does not really seem to be respecting your feelings AT ALL! :(

Your H is acting with the typical cheaters mind set. He is dragging his feet about ending ALL contact, Trying to justify it by say "but I stopped the sex part"..He is trying to manipulate you by saying " I told you about the emails already you must just not remember" Oh and old telling you to have an affair? CLASSIC! I love all you guys here but I will disagree with saying its is that easy. Nothing about an affair is easy from the beginning to the end. Nobody can just turn their feeling on and off like a water facet. Its a process step by step. Even when the cheater immediately stops ALL contact with the OP he/she will still go through the feelings of loss. they will feel a loss from emotional connection with the Op,or the sex, or even just the loss of the excitement of keeping secrets and doing the forbidden. Sometimes it takes time for them to completely end it ALL. Everyone suffers through the the affair and at the end everyone involved, The betrayed, the cheater and the OP is hurt and has to heal. I know that's not what we want, expect or demand from them. But even a cheater is only human and humans have flaws and emotions.But of course no real healing can take place until the cheater does end it completely, NO CONTACT what so ever with the Op.Im so sorry you are back at square one I think its normal for us on this roller coaster with set backs and having to start again until the cheater is completely out of the fog. just my 2 cents

I really thought we were past this. It has been 1 year and 1 month since the sex stopped and 10 months since the sweet talk stopped. The contact stopped for April-May and he would actually ignore her in public but then her house burned (well her H lives there but they both own it) and he called her and then it started up again. He said he was being honest and open, but these emails prove he wasn't and then he admitted to more over the past month after telling me there were none.

I don't know if he will ever be out of the fog. Last night he apologized profusely dispersed with getting mad. He asked what he could do to fix it. I told him he needed to guarantee that there won't be any further contact. He said well if she loses an arm or leg, or is in the hospital dying I think it would be OK to visit or send a card or something like that. So I replied OK, exclusive of her losing a limb or being in the hospital dying can you guarantee that you will have no more contact - his response "what's in this for me" and I can't guarantee that. I don't know what the future holds and what might cause contact. I can only tell you I don't intend to contact her at this time.