Infidelity Support Group

First since your H has already had one affair it is not appropriate for him to have a personal or social relationship with woman. Especially if you do not know the woman and are not comfortable with her. When the A my h had came out I layed down the ground rules so he knew what I needed and what was expected of him for me to heal and regain my trust in him. One of the rules was not time alone with females or relationships with any female other there business and even that I have to be in the loop on. He knows this is my rule if he does not abide by it he is gone. Second, just because you forgive someone does not mean the pain and hurt and questions, thoughts, etc.. go away. Forgiving does mean you do not continue to hold his mistake against him but it does not mean you magically are over it. You still have the right to ask questions and talk about for your healing process. Just remember there is nothing good about cheating and knowing all the details will just create more pain. There is no question that he can answer that will make is cheating any better because there is just no sugar coating cheating. Much Love!!

Everything MichelleSM said! I would add that forgive is the easy part its the forgetting and the healing that take a lot longer. You will have "flashbacks" and times when you still go through the emotions of betrayal that dosent mean you didnt forgive him it justs mean you were hurt deeply and still need time to heal. He should respect that and not accuse of not forgiving him. NO absolutely he should NOT be having private conversations with a woman "friend" "PERIOD" Maybe some men can have female friends but I feel if he has already demonstrated that he can not adhere to boundaries with other women then NO NO NO he should not put himself in the position where it could happen again!!

I think we all suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and have 'episodes'. I can't stop talking about it either. It's become my obsession, although, I think my H is still cheating.

He's being heartless if he plans on still having "friendships" with women outside of your relationaship. That is completely unacceptable.

As for forgiveness, It's my area of weakness. He doesn't even sound like he is truely remorseful so does he truely merit forgiveness at this point. It sounds like you are working on giving him a second chance. Please, for your sake and sanity, have a heart to heart talk with your H when you knopw you won't be interrupted and let him know the boundaries so they are clear as CRYSTAl.

I have told my H is not to have a friendship with a female period end of story. He knows how much pain he has caused me and says his first mistake was picking up the phone and reutrning her call and I agree it was. Your H does not need a female friend. He has you. Ask him to treat you like a friend and that it will only help your relationship flourish. Just think how happy most marriages would be if we treated our spouses as our dear friends that we share conversation and time with and pay attention when they talk and vice versa.

Best wishes. Stand your ground. Be strong.

There's a big difference between FORGIVEN and FORGOTTEN and I think your H does not realise this. Forgiven does NOT mean always forgotten.. it's there.. and HE put it there. So yes.. of course you have forgiven him but you still need re-assurance and that's normal!! And frankly I think you have a right to that.. but not day in day out.. but now and again.. when you really NEED it.. not just to pick at him! That would possibly ultimately push him away which would not help at all!! Take it easy gal! Hugz W

If you have not read "after the affair" I would recommend it highly. In one of the later chapters, it offers a definition of forgiveness that is the best I've seen so far. I've wrestled with this concept since before the affair. Not having read it in 11 months, I'll paraphrase it best I can. Forgiveness is a decision to not let the "unforgiveable" act dominate yours or the offender's life any more. It is a decision that is made constantly as the thoughts come up. (and I can't remember any more)

Wow ur h does that too! Wow! Mine too he says its the past now lol 2 move on and I love wen he huffs and puffs wen I do he takes off upstairs cause he is so angry lol drama king well yea as far as a man and a woman being friends darling that was my mistake I actually use to tell him tha how is that possible and said I was that insecure it was just friendships then the phone call became often then he was answeing her calls at work something that he dosent even do 4 me nxt he bacame 2 concern for her talking 2 much about her then dooms day came and I felt like a fool 4 not following my feelings! So use ur insticts and why r they phone calls? I am more than sure he would not like another man calling u if its not ok 4 us why is ok 4 them ! Talk to him hun be honest with ur feelings if he cares he will aknoledge ur feelings!

Loyal girl I have 2 agree with u its my obsession I can't stop thinking of he's betrayel I even started avoiding my girl friends 2 come over! Well it has to doalot with the fact he has confessed to 4 more that I did not suspect ! And they were so scandolous 1 was at his moms house ! wen he went 4 help!? Another when I was getting a facial at the mall he was having a rondevu wit bi**h out side in the same shoping center where I was at ! Then another in front of a family members hause during a family party! So he really dint care were he was at so now I always think is he really outside taking a walk is he really helping his mom? So I feel so sick 2 my self I dnt knw if I have trauma but now I see weird vives bettwen him and my bf !? Am I a jealouse mess? Oh and fyi the friend is wit a married man just found out?

He needs to understand that you need to talk until you find a place to put the crap he put you through. as far as talking to the other woman it could be innocent but he should be sensitive enough to your needs right now to refrain from anything that would make you uncomfortable or sad. It sounds like he might be wanting to have his cake and eat it too since the other affair had to start from talking. You stay strong and take care of yourself if he wants this marriage to work he is going to have to give up some things. I hope the best for you Hugs and Smiles

The affair is never up for dicussion! He will NOT discuss it..he walks away and thats the end of story! He does NOT in my opinion act remorseful at all. He tells me he is sorry, but I just think he is sorry he got caught. As for the girl I just found out about...he isn't talking to her anymore. I monitor his calls on-line just to see if he is talking to her. He said that when he told her they couldn't talk anymore she got mad...then called back just to say that she wasn't mad!? Why would she be mad?? He says he told her that he had cheated...and that he wanted to work on the marriage so he couldn't talk to her anymore. He also swears that the only thing they ever talked about was me and him, OUR kids, and what they had been up to since middle school. I think 500 minutes in 10 days is more than just chatting. The affair changed him sooo much. I don't know if this is the case for others who have been cheated on...but he is soo different. He is my first and only, and I WAS his first and only until the affair. Before the affair he opened doors, cleaned the house, got me things all the time, made sure that I felt wanted and needed. As soon as the affair started it was "I'm not in love with you anymore" after he was busted, he was sorry long enough to get me back...and he has been an ass ever since. He cusses at me over the smallest things, when I asked him to get the door, he says I am a grown woman and can open the door myself, he doesn't clean house...he says thats my job, the only attention I get is when he wants some. Then it's "I love you" and to be quite honest...I turn the other cheek. I feel like its the only time he wants something to do with me, and thats not fair to me. My friends think that I am crazy for staying with him after his lastest episode...but I don't feel like I can justify leaving if I have no proof (other than my gut). I'm afraid I am a fool if I stay, but then again, one of his friends told me that I needed to get over my insecurities, and that they were just "friends" so if I leave and they really were just "friends" then I am a fool anyway. I am soooo confused!