Adultery is generally defined as consensual sexual intercourse by a married person with someone other than his or her lawful spouse. In many jurisdictions, an unmarried person who ...
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I think I need to break my promise...Long post..
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Like I have said, if nothing changes...NOTHING CHANGES...only this time I am not going to be the fool. I am not going to believe him because he is my husband. I am going to listen to my gut, and my intution, because I am not wrong. Mon I knew my H was going to get up, and try to leave before I woke up. I woke up, anyways. He had his laundry basket behind his car, then said oh i'm going to do laundry at moms. I knew he was leaving to quebec but didn't want to do the good byes see you in a week. (He really hate them no matter how long the goodbye is) I knew what was happening but I didn't let on I knew. He went to his moms, then to talk to his girls, was going to leave from there and get his mom to call me, but decided to come tell me himself. He assured me that he was not leaving me, he was just going to get better (he is dealing with personal demons, and him leaving to clear his head was the best answer right now) I asked are we breaking up? He said NO, not even a thought, don't want that, worse thing. He said don't worry, I'm just going to get better, I'm not moving up there, this is my home, I'm not leaving you, just going to rest and get better. He grabbed his meds, said he would call me the next day, and that everything will be ok. Not only did he not call the next day, when I seen him on MSN, I said hi, he wanted to know how I knew he was on line, and didn't say another thing to me. I sent him message via Facebook. Didn't respond. He called me Wed night quickly asked me to call him back at number on phone. Said that they don't have a home line its a cell phone he will get phone card, that's why he hadn't called. Said he was resting and sleeping too. Then he told me that he was talking to his old boss up there, and that he got his job back WTF!! Everything is opposite from what he is saying. He doesn't know yet. I said so your moving back there, he said no i'll just stay with brother. OK, Sound to me like old behaviours didn't die at all!! Why would they, he is not sorry he cheated. He has said he is not sorry and he will never say he is. (as I cried before I knew it was her, and he was crying too, he is not sorry at all) Then on his facebook, he has added a new application (he usually has it so it doesn't show up in minifeed) and sure enough its a dating site!! Yes I know cut him loose, he is not ready for change, and I really can't do this anymore. It sucks too, because he really is a nice guy! We get along really good, we hardly fight, and are affectionate. I have bailed him out of his "whims" and forgave him for his indescressions (ohhh that sounds better then affair) I see people in here, talking about hearing someone is sorry, saying to someone they are sorry, with meaning, and passion. Even if over the internet, I can almost hear the people saying it, with passion and a shakein there voice, and the person hearing it not sure if they should believe it or accept it, with good reason. I would just like a I'm sorry, I should not have hurt you like that. The closes I got to hearing sorry out his mouth, was when I was crying, and he said he can't even say he is sorry because he isn't sorry for it. His regret is not the act, but not being able to break up with me, because he wasn't ready for the pain. I said well it's out now, I get the I don't feel like that now, it's not what I want. Why do I continue to let him call the shots?? Why do I let him dictact when we are or are not together weather I know about it or not. Why is my self worth allowing me to sit and wait for him to make a decsion? I've been putting my life in his hands!! Oh yeah, I promised too..and I never break a promise. (I am known for keeping my word, by everyone this is what they say is a good quality in me) So, how do I go back on the promises I made?? Am I going to be a liar now because I will be breaking my vows. I know he has been for years, but that doesn't matter. He has to live with that when he looks at the man in the glass. I don't mean the vow that most have broken, be faithful unto Him/Her for as long as you both shall live. I keep most of that. I mean the ones that most cheaters use for the reason to cheat. To Love, Honour and cherish (NOT OBEY) in sickness and in health (he does have a sickness) better and worse, richer poor. Those ones. God I wish I could be like him!!! When is it ok to let go of the promise and NOT feel like a failure?? Sorry long rant, and I know the answers to these questions, I think I just need it validated by anyone. BS or WS. Is him saying he is not sorry part of the fog? WS, could this be away for him to keep some pride?? Or to just dig the knife in further??
Posted on 06/19/08, 07:06 am |
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Letting go is so hard for us and cutting the ties is also hard for the cheater. You know the situation better than any of us here.I know its hard to accept the facts even when they are right in our face. Be strong and take care of you. Remember the old saying {if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you its yours forever if it dosent it never was.} 
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Letting him go,or us breaking up, is not where my problem lies. I explained it once to my dr. It when he wants to come back that I have trouble with. I just can not do anything. I was angry for him coming back when he did in Feb. I knew he had cheated, I was doing my greiving, and told him NO he couldn't come back here, that last 3 days. He decided HE was going to HIS home and he showed up. I found out he even found a "justifable " reason that it was my fault he came back!!! But does realize that it was all him, not me. He makes it sound like I won't let him go. I don't hang on, I don't push out. I let him be in his head space. My DR said he understood. I even told my H this, afew times, but I know he heard me, and got it. I even said don't come back, it is over (after he confessed the paykind) the end of Jan. I feel like I have none of the say or control. He just does what he does. I had to yell at him, don't come back, we are done, it is over, please don't decide you want to come home, I can't do this, STAY GONE, and he promised. I realized that him and I met 9 years ago today. Our first date june 21 (my xh and my wedding anniversary) and our 8th would be on July 2. I just hate the lies and deception, double talk and double standards. I think I am gettin numb to this. I don't know if I care what the right thing to do is anymore. The right thing I think has been tossed away years ago. I can't sleep, and I can't eat to much. I have lost a tone of weight (not the right way) When is it ok to go back on your promise? On the vows that only I hold true? I know they are hard and work, but when is it time to go back on it, with you head held high, and NOT look like a failure? I know that I have kept it to the best of my abilties. Like I said, I wish I could be like him, but glad I am not. I don't need the company of someone else to leave someone. Sorry if I make no sence, nothing does right now. Maybe I should call his ex's...lol..
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I hope you don't feel as though you've failed if you make a choice to leave this marriage. He has given you every reason to go. It's only your promise that is giving you a reason to stay. A promise is made on a premise - You believed he was your friend, he loved you, you could trust him and rely on him. You believed you two would partner in a future together. None of these premises exist any longer.
You will be so happy in your future if you give yourself permission to let go, grieve for awhile (set a deadline) and do good things for yourself for your new (and improved) life. If you remain "in waiting" for him, you will be miserable. I would change the locks, file for divorce and join a group where you can make new friends. If he comes back, intensive therapy is required. If he doesn't, you will be happier. xoxo
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When is it ok to go back on your promise?
Some counselors would say, When you have worked your way out of it. Meaning you have no more anger,bitterness,hurt or remorse. You've done your forgiving,you have tried to make it. It's important to do this so the next guy you date will not be suspect to the past relationship. I'm thinking,you have every right to leave the marriage. You did not break the vows. He Did...over & over! This is not something you did, it was out of your control. You have to accept the things you can not change. Save yourself from this constant & repeated pain. It's time for you to take care of yourself!
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This is where it is hard..the in sickness and in health. He was finally diagnosed with Rapid cycling bi polar 1. He also suffers from addictions. His ability to have reasoning and as I tell him empathy or looking at the other side of the coin, just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesnt' exsist. He was raised with some really messed up values. He grew up with cheating being a big NO NO..someone is going to get hurt freak show, BUT, the ones doing the freaking were the ones doing it. He figured that all women cheat and are all easy. He has just started new meds, and I knew that it could take up to a year before things changed. He has been on a downward spiral. His way to stay when he came back this time was he was finally diagnosed with it bipolar and doing something about it. He is finally going to see a phyciatrist that specializes in bi polar. It is like being married to two different people sometimes. He is going to come home Sat or Sun, to talk about him working up there again. I don't like the idea, because THAT is how the trouble begins. When he is not in his crazy state, thing are really good. but when they are bad they are bad!!! I have forgave so much, I have let go of many things. This is just so hard!! I have gone to treatment for co dependency, I attend different meetings. I don't work his program. But I know that I am slowly becoming emotionally inavailable to him, because it's not coming back. Maybe I should tell him to go up there for work for right now. Again, that may be the right thing to do. Then we have space again, and I can think without eveything. Tonight is the first night since Feb that I have the whole house to myself. Everybody is gone. Maybe I will just cry..Anyone have sucess with trial separation?
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