Infidelity Support Group

In my opinion the bottom line is SELFISHNESS, they don't care about anything else but what is making them feel good, happy,desired,wanted and appreciated. I am 7 months into the healing process and let me tell ya the betrayers are in a fantasy world......they need to wake up and face reality.

You said this beautifully. You're exactly right and I think it's great that, at your young age, you get it. I believed the lies told to me for a few years. It is selfishness and fantasy. They're looking for a mirror wherein they can look better to themselves, basically. It won't work, over time. Who wants to be with someone so weak? You have young children and one on the way. I can't imagine that kind of stress!!! Mine waited until midlife....then the shit hit the fan. There is alot of justifying....that is for sure. Take good care of yourself and stay strong.

"Do they realize it was a fantasy?"

Answer: Yes.

I dont understand it either! Yes, I guess my H NOW says, it was a delusion. too bad he couldnt see it before he threw 15 years away!
Funny, I know, when some idiot tries to come on to me, that he does not know me and is only responding to some primitive urge, no less than a dog would feel. Why didnt he?

LOL Nave
woof woof

I have to look back and laugh when my husband was comparing her to me. I was miserable, she was up for a good time unlike me. Really? Honestly because you knew her so freaking well? I would like to see how she dealt with having two kids, letting her husband go out whenever he wanted, nursing an infant, lack of sleep, all while still working. Yes, it is a fantasy world. Her boyfriend must have been living in one too. He must of thought that she was faithful.

I find it interesting that they all seem to say the same things. Read some of the self help books, they tell you word for word what your spouse has said to you. It's so classic to list all the things we did wrong so they could rationalize what we do. No matter what might have been wrong with our marriages, we deserved honesty and the chance to work on it or decide mutually to split up, not to be cheated on and left. A new exciting OW can not be compared with a wife who you have to deal with every day and "real life" with.

I believe that all cheaters are narcissistic with varying degrees. They can only think of themselves and what pleases them. They build this nice little balloon around themselves and go on floating around and having fun until one day POP! Their world explodes.

Some disparately try to stay afloat and get into another balloon. Others come crashing down and are dealing with the aftermath. Its on the way down, as they are crashing, they see their life before their eyes and begin (Only begin) to see the damage they have created. When they fall it is hard, pieces are everywhere. Some are fortunate to pick whatever pieces they have and ask forgiveness so they can have help putting it back together again. They realize they were at fault and are remorseful. They no longer want to be that narcissistic person and do whatever it takes to make things right.

Others just lie there not sure what has happened and get up without the pieces. They only will take another balloon ride without understanding what happened the first time.

Sadly, there are those who still live in their little balloon for a long time. They are so self-absorbed and far away, they don't recognize the extent of damage they have caused. To them the ride is so much fun, so quiet, no troubles. But one day, it will pop. Nothing can last forever. At one time they will come crashing down. It almost always does. How those people handle it?????????

maxtomsmom, that was a great explanation - and debra7 I like your explanation about the mirror. Thanks you for the wonderful choice of words.

I do know that I did know it was a fantasy. I did know that what OM and I shared was just fun, and by that I don't mean sex, but fun in activities, fun in enjoying each others company, but without the work of a relationship, without bringing up children, looking after a house, worrying together. I knew this and told myself this and I guess this is what helped me to realize what a terrible game I was playing. A thief stealing someone elses love, and cheating my husband by giving a part of me away to someone else.
And why? Because it felt so good for a very short time. Because I let those feeling build and build and build until I was at a point in my life where I grabbed at something temporarily fulfulling. It was stupid and wrong and hurtful and selfish. So, yes, I guess people who have affairs are in denial and selfish, at least for a time. But I do think that ending it, admitting it, picking up the pieces, and working at your marriage are difficult things to do and a totally selfish person could not do that.