Adultery is generally defined as consensual sexual intercourse by a married person with someone other than his or her lawful spouse. In many jurisdictions, an unmarried person who ...
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Cognitive Dissonance
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Hello all,
I have been having the worst time trying to get my husband to admit to a few things that I already know happened during the affair. he gets real upset and leaves. he says, "that never happened". It did. So I googled "cognitive dissonance" which is a psych phrase that basically refers to "why we lie to ourselves". It seems to be possible to tell oneself a different story, after behaving in such a way that one cannot face oneself. It has to be a behavior that one would NEVER DO according to a very strong belief about oneself. Such as, abandon one's children or spouse or steal large amounts of money from work etc. My husband told the ow that he was considering divorcing me. I have known for a while but only recently asked him about it. It does not really surprise me,or bother me. He did so many stupid things then, it is just one more. But I did ask him, were you considering leaving me for her? He vehemenently denies saying it. I know he did because a year ago, when the ow told me, he admitted to saying something like," I am working really hard to save our marriage but I dont know if I can do it alone", to her. Now, we were not having any problems, except the affair, at that time and I knew nothing about it. He now says he doesnt remember that and does not see THOSE WORDS as meaning he is considering divorce anyway. Turns out that one can blank out something that one believes to be so hienous that one cannot face it. One of the hallmarks is that the belief makes no sense, as in, those words dont mean that, along with severe agitation, no anger, fear and diorientation. I dont believe this is a straight out lie because I now recognize when he is lying. he does not get agitated or disoriented and is calm and controlled. Also he has told most all of what happened. does anyone else know anything about cognitive dissonance? You can look it up, it is weird. Just in case your spouse is experiencing those symptoms and cannot seem to get what you are asking. I thought I would mention this as a possibility. It is not the same as lying and as I said, liars tend to look REAL sincere, make eye contact (because they are told liars dont make eye contact) and they move in real close and say, "I swear, on a bible, I never did that". Thism cog dis, is like "caught in the headlights", strange faraway look and gradually they get so upset they leave the room. They know somewhere in their mind it is true but have convinced themselves it isnt. The realization that it is true can send them into a very upset state, so maybe it is better to not push it. Anyway, any feedback? Posted on 05/13/08, 04:05 am |
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Short, and to the point
BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT 
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my stbx is a sex addict and our therapist and i have talked about him. we cannot figure out if he is lying or if he really does not remember or believe he did these horrible things. it's so weird.
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Agree that it is a genuine thing, but don't discount the fact that two people can hear or see the same thing and come awaya with two completely different interpretations.
A frined and I yelled at the same speeding car once. Afterwards he thought it was red, I thought it was white!!! The other night I told my wife something, two nights later when it comes up again she says "you didn't tell me that". There have been several exapmles where we have disagreed on what was said, not because it was a cover up or anything, we just rememeber the info differently!
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Ok, what about this? I hear it happens frequently.
I asked my husband for details of conversations with ow. One went like this; ow-"I wish I could find a man who was as good a husband as you are!!" I said, to my husband, "What! she wants a husband who is cheating on her?" He said,"It wasnt like that!" (This is a long time ago at the beginning, he is no longer delusional about most of the affair) So they had a mutual delusion? Because HE SAID, he loved his wife...what he WAS DOING, with her, was invisable? It is a strange strange thing!
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I don't buy it. I think cognitive dissonance may be more like a post traumatic stress thing, when something like killing innocent people during a war occurs. The affair was a choice, and it takes a lot of character to tell the truth. It's very hard, incredibly stressful, to face the truth. It's way easier to deny, deny, deny.
In my husband's case, I HEARD some of the BS he was telling the OW.... I recorded their phone conversations.... So there was no denying then. Of course, he had been telling me there was nothing between them & I was crazy.... When confronted immediately with proof he flipped out. Ripped the phone off the wall rather than have me contact the OW to tell her the facts (he told her the old "we're married, but really living as roommates" story). And if I bring up something now, a year later, that I heard, he again laughs and tells me I'm crazy and he never said it. I heard him ask her to marry him. This is not something that I could make up. I think in his case, he was just simply enjoying a good story. He was really really getting into seeing how far he could take it. One more thought.... There is a quote "A lie told often enough becomes the truth." ~Lenin. Think about it.
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I agree with Patti331 with your last statement. If one lies about something over and over again-the lie becomes a reality to them.
One of my biggest thing that gets to me-is when I ask him different things that they may have talked about. I get the same answers with every question I asked-"we never talked about that". Questions such as-why are her and her H divorcing-what was their problem? How old are her kids and what are they doing? What are their names and ages? Whats her H name? Where does she work-what does she do for work? Even-"where does she live?". Everything I asked, he would tell me-"we never talked about things like that" My question is-"what the hell did you talk about?" They emailed one another, talked on the phone and spent a day together-yet they never talked about family? Jobs? He says they just talked of the past 30 some years since they last saw one another and catching up with one another-isn't Her family part of those past 30 years? When I see old friends, that I hadn't seen in years, these are the normal questions you ask of one another-aren't they? I know he just didn't want to discuss her or anything said or done. He just wanted to forget it ever happened and does regret that he allowed it to happen. I think he felt by not talking about her it would all go away-miraculously disappear. I believe alot of their "forgetfulness" is they don't want to remember!! I too, often got "I don't remember".
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Nave:
It is called " split self"," compartmentlizing", like Bill Clinton.
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I wonder if my stbx is suffering from this CD. She can't even recall the BS she tore me down with, saying that she would never have said that about me. She has major lapses of memory all the time, and currently is acting like the affair never happened and we are getting a D just because we have gone our separate ways in life. She denies drinking heavily now, and has picked up smoking. Denies it all, almost like a dual personality is going on. She can't even keep up in a conversation, repeating herself ten minutes later. I just came to the conclusion it is all lies, and I don't have to listen to it anymore.
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COGNITIVE- THOUGHT PROCESS
DISONANCE- OUT OD CHARACTER..OR NOT IN SYNC WITH HOW ONE SEES THEMSELVES. So cog-dis is how the cheater feels about his/her cheating! Ostensibly, the thought of having done such an "unlike me" thing or cog-dis, causes some to repress and bury some of the more "out of character" behaviors. Of course sometimes they are just lying to you...other times they have lied to themselves so much that they believe "It didnt happen"! They know it did happen, on some level, hence severe anxiety and fear that the whole damn thing will flood up to conciousness and cause them unbearable guilt. That is the theory. And YES, the repression of the memories, due to the feeling of cog-dis, is compartmentalization! Do I believe it? Yes, I think people repress all the time. It takes an especially good liar to put it so far out of conciousness, or in a compartment, that unless the memory is triggered, they actually do not (in that moment) remember it. I spoke to my h about it tonight and he said, "I knew, I lied to myself, but I knrew!" In other words, when they get clean and sober or are hoinest with themselves they know...they knew! I think alcohol and drugs help the process immensly!
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They don’t recall what, where and when – huh?
Funny they sure remembered the “other” person’s phone number, schedule and such. They remember enough to know when you are busy with work, children or otherwise occupied; so they can carry on with the “other”. But they don’t REMEMBER, when it comes time to come clean. Awfully convenient – that Swiss cheese memory. Then you get… They don’t want to hurt you more by telling all or they get defensive, silent or find some other way to avoid the truth. OR…the blame is turned back onto the one who was cheated on; you make them feel bad by bringing the affair up. To me it is all excuses and self serving to the one who created the “elephant in the living room”. Rant over!
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