Adultery is generally defined as consensual sexual intercourse by a married person with someone other than his or her lawful spouse. In many jurisdictions, an u...
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Cognitive Dissonance
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Hello all,
I have been having the worst time trying to get my husband to admit to a few things that I already know happened during the affair. he gets real upset and leaves. he says, "that never happened". It did. So I googled "cognitive dissonance" which is a psych phrase that basically refers to "why we lie to ourselves". It seems to be possible to tell oneself a different story, after behaving in such a way that one cannot face oneself. It has to be a behavior that one would NEVER DO according to a very strong belief about oneself. Such as, abandon one's children or spouse or steal large amounts of money from work etc. My husband told the ow that he was considering divorcing me. I have known for a while but only recently asked him about it. It does not really surprise me,or bother me. He did so many stupid things then, it is just one more. But I did ask him, were you considering leaving me for her? He vehemenently denies saying it. I know he did because a year ago, when the ow told me, he admitted to saying something like," I am working really hard to save our marriage but I dont know if I can do it alone", to her. Now, we were not having any problems, except the affair, at that time and I knew nothing about it. He now says he doesnt remember that and does not see THOSE WORDS as meaning he is considering divorce anyway. Turns out that one can blank out something that one believes to be so hienous that one cannot face it. One of the hallmarks is that the belief makes no sense, as in, those words dont mean that, along with severe agitation, no anger, fear and diorientation. I dont believe this is a straight out lie because I now recognize when he is lying. he does not get agitated or disoriented and is calm and controlled. Also he has told most all of what happened. does anyone else know anything about cognitive dissonance? You can look it up, it is weird. Just in case your spouse is experiencing those symptoms and cannot seem to get what you are asking. I thought I would mention this as a possibility. It is not the same as lying and as I said, liars tend to look REAL sincere, make eye contact (because they are told liars dont make eye contact) and they move in real close and say, "I swear, on a bible, I never did that". Thism cog dis, is like "caught in the headlights", strange faraway look and gradually they get so upset they leave the room. They know somewhere in their mind it is true but have convinced themselves it isnt. The realization that it is true can send them into a very upset state, so maybe it is better to not push it. Anyway, any feedback? Posted on 05/13/08, 04:05 am |
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I believe this to be true. I ask my husband things and he tells me he can't recall or doesn't remember. At first I found this hard to believe because he knew he was ruining everything, I would think the whole affair would be branded in his mind. I really think he blocked it out, kinda like it didn't really happen. In his mind. So he did nothing wrong. 
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This is what has made my life so miserable the past 8 months. He can't remember anything he did with her except that they talked about what our kids were up to and that it just felt good to talk. So how did it turn into "I love you, I want to spent the rest of my life with you, I tell you things I don't tell my wife, I want to hold you in my arms and comfort you." Was she not going to talk to him anymore if he didn't tell her those things? He can't remember how it progressed from simple IMing for work purposes to casual conversation to words of love to let's meet at work during after hours because it was the only time it could get done and he couldn't do it without her - though he managed to get it done after I found out.
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My H gives me the same answer "he doesn't remember" the OW says he called her back some time later after there first visit and he remembered the date they were together. She had wuit posting and so he kept her up a for like 4/5 months. But when I asked him he doesn't remember. He never said that to her. But of course he says she called him saying she needed help. He also denies he never said this wasn't his child, that I was mean to our 9 yr old. I told that girl that if I was so mean to our son then why would he want to have another child. For the record my son has never been whimped like I was when I grew up-my parents believed firmly in the verse the rod of correction will drive disobedience faraway. LOL. And if that didn't due the trick a month of being grounded to the room would.
I just wished he would be man enough to admit what he said/done. I guess in his mind it is better for me not to know he said them, but I think he said them even though I have just let it slide.
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I get a somewhat similar reply, such as "I didn't think it was a big deal." I just can't believe that she could be this dishonest with herself. I realize that on some level she is telling the truth, because of the cognitive disonance that she has to use to protect herself from the truth of what she was doing. When she talks about it now, she does so as if it were someone else doing those things. I don't think she fully "gets it" yet that it was her.
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I've read about this. It's a self-protection mechanism that basically good people use when they want to do bad things. Very strange indeed. Usually because they are getting a lot of secondary gain from their actions, which they know to be wrong, but they still want to believe they are a good person.
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My experience is very similar to Tearfuls's.
In my situation, I know of many times he blocked out memories (prior to our marriage) that he remembered later on. I am not sure if blocked memories and cognitive dissonance are the same thing; I am not an expert. I believe there is something to be said about the human mind. All what we perceive to be reality is our perception of reality. I think life experience, nuturing, and personality mold our perceptions of reality, for instance, acceptable and non-exceptable forms of behavior. With ALL that said, I know my H is full of SH** to try to pull that card on information about his little extra-marital fling. I think he justified lying to me and maybe even himself, because he knew what he did was wrong. But despite how deep he tried to bury the truth, he knew it. He still denies certain e-mails the OW forwarded to me. It is sad really, how cheating makes someone stoop so low. They risk everything for nothing knowing exactley what they are doing. While paying for their punishment, they are getting swamped with resurfacing truths. I am glad I am not him.
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Wow! This makes so much sense! I just couldn't make sense of some things!
The OW is clearly a nut case, she stalked him for weeks, went out of her way to find a way to meet him. She sent him an email, getting his email address from his employer, AFTER he told her to never contact him again. She said she missed him telling her how beautiful and sexy she was, and all their meals together..along with some other things. He, literally, swore with his hand on the Bible, that he NEVER SAID ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE TO THAT TO HER!! He said she's lying. He said she's lying about most of it. I believe she's embellishing, but lying about it all?? Thanks, this gives me something to ponder.
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I have heard of cognitive dissoance too. But I wanted to relate a story from my childhood. I intercepted a note about the school giving vaccinations that was supposed to go to my parents in 3rd grade. I was terrified of shots. I checked the "No, my child does not need a vaccination," box and took it back to school. A couple months later my mom asked about it. I stood there in the kitchen staring at the fruit bowl for about ten minutes. It wasn't because of cognitive dissonance; it was because I couldn't think of a good lie. I say this to say that, unfortunately, there really isn't a surefire, never failes, way to tell if someone is lying all the time. When I was in a pattern of lyring, sometimes I used eye contact, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I answered immediatetly, sometimes I didn't. I am ashamed to say I kept things shaken up on purpose so that it would be impossible to detect a lie. I can't believe I was so ho0rribly deceptive. but one thing I know my husband wanted, especially in the beginning, was a personal radar that would tell him every time I was the least bit dishonest. Unfortunately there isn't one of those, so we have to (as cheaters) be willling to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to win back trust. I am almost leery of the term cognitive dissonance, because you know somebody (maybe even on this board) will grab hold of that and use it as a cover up for lying.
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I would never believe a thing the other person says. They wanted your spouse for themselves, they would say anything to get it too. The affairs are sick relationships built on fantasy...do not believe the hype!
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