Infidelity Support Group

i have to admit that this must be true. my husband always said he had a fine and 'normal' childhood but it was my mother who always said she thought something else had gone on in his background. i blame myself horribly to this day. i knew that he was soft and sensitive and severely affected by harsh words and yet when we argued i said things like "i'm not happy anymore' and "i'll never be good enough for you" he was demanding that i return to a fertility clinic bc he said he needs kids and Drs have said i can't have them. it was such a devastating blow to me that it took me too long i guess to be ready to go back. we where in the midst of egg donor approval when i discovered the affair. he said that he didn't stop himself from having the affair bc he felt that he deserved "just a little bit of happiness." he said that my infertility was why,...and then said no it was just that things weren't good with us. not just the baby thing. i asked him whether we could work through things and he said "work through what, there's nothing to work through. i need kids".
anyway, she's a married mother of three and he works with her. i was getting ahead in my career pretty publicly and he was feeling like a failure at work. she had always liked him and i knew it. she told him over and over how great he is (and he was). and she got my husband. he flaunted it in my face to hurt me and it did. but i think that his parents being alcoholics had something to do with it. i'm not sure what but i think he felt abandoned by my busy schedule.

I don't think you are off base at all - funny thing is that my H has issues with his mom and sisters and I am the opposite of them - the OW is just like them suggesting he was just trying to get from the OW (love and acceptance) what he felt he never got from his mom and sisters

so do I need to become bitchy, demanding, selfish and irrational to help my H heal his childhood issues and save our marriage?

I just found out that my wife has been cheating on me for over a year. It stopped for a while because she realized that she was being used by her other. I suspect that she is still cheating with at least one more maybe more. I don't think that we should feel sorry for the cheater no matter what excuses they come up with. I know my wife has suffered abuse when she was younger, but I do not identify with the victim mentallity. We all have our choses to make. Either to go get help for our own problems, or to feel victimized by a cheating partner. i feel very very hurt over what has happened, because of the betrayal trust, and she wouldn't tell me until I shoved the pruth in her face. I don't however feel like a victim. I just want to get rid of her baggage and move on with my life, and find a woman who wants all the love that I can give. yes I contributed to the problems in our marriage but I will only except 50% of the blame, for our breakdown. I never crossed the line, even though I felt like it due to lack of affection. As i said above, I now feel that it is time to move on and find another, as I don't see that she is making any effort to try to repair this relationship or even ask for forgiveness.

I haven't been on site for some time. It's been almost a year since she started cheating on me. She was raised by an alcoholic but never acted like it effected her. But what I think in my case, is she had a dark side which she admitted to and wanted to see what it was like. She had breast cancer and during that time and before started having emotional affairs with several guys. When she got caught with phone calls, she started seeing one daily at the park. That lead to physical affair. Through all this time I tried to fix our marriage with conseling that she would not go to and seeking God. I too, am in the position to forgive her so I can move on and love again. Yes, I had my part in this and am trying to understand it all. I only wish at this point is that my x could have left before she lied and cheated so many time over so many years before she had the strength to leave. It would have been much easier to forgive under those circumstances that what I have to forgive now. Good luck in your efforts to forgive and pray for grace from God to do it.

luken4help - how do you do it? i have struggled so very much with my faith since this happened. i feel forsaken and forgotten and am struggling to believe that this is for my good.

I too have read books about infidelity and I do agree with the fact that it's a symptom of deeper issues BUT I do not agree with the inherted emotional bull crap.

In my own marraige we drifted apart and were not there for each other. Neither was attentive to each other BUT the diffrence is . . . . . I choose to be misable and he choose to Screw someone. He does admit that he was being selfish - only looking at his own problems and feeling and I beat myself up everyday for not realizing that it had gotten that far and not knowing about the affair.

I have forgiven him partly but I have not forgiven myself and that is why I have not been able to move forward 100%.

Your right - there are usually deeper issues and we have figure them out.