Adultery is generally defined as consensual sexual intercourse by a married person with someone other than his or her lawful spouse. In many jurisdictions, an unmarried person who ...
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When Is An Affair Really Over??
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I asked my H last night when was his affair really over?? He said "In June when I told her I didn't want to see her anymore". It was June 10. He confessed to me on June 8 and made the dission to stay in the marriage and family on June 9.
On June 1st my H changed jobs after 22.5 years. It was an office affair. His new job is over 40 miles from his old one. I don't think he has seen her since or at least he hasn't gone to see her. (He hasn't had the free time) BUT it is very possible that she has gone to see him. She knows where he works out and his work out schedual. She also could have gone to his new job to meet him for lunch, or sex. My H says NO she hasn't but I don't trust him. I know they continued to email each other for the first two weeks after he broke it off with her. He promised to stop. But after 8 weeks she was still emailing and he was responding. I blocked her from his personal email. They continued to still contact each other. I know he emailed her from his personal email(he could send but not receive) but she must have started emailing him at his business. He contacted her in Sept. to warn her that my daughter and I might be up to something. We found out her house was for sale. The end of Sept. WE called her to tell her no!! more contact period! He told her he loved me and his family. He confessed last week she didn't stop! She's been contacting him at his job and of course he is responding to her. We emailed her this time and told her to stop or I would report her to her job for caring on the affair through her business email. My H said he blocked her email address on his business account.( I know that is a lie) I know he hasn't contacted her through his personal cell phone. He says he hasn't contacted her with his business phone. But I'm not stupid. I have no way to check on that. He lies every time I ask him about being in touch with her. Last week he also confessed he feels guilty for his part in her divorice and feels responsible. (HE HAS NEVER ADMITTED TO ANY GUILT OVER WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME) She's alone now. I don't understand how he could still want to protect someone that has caused me and his kids so much pain. She caused her own divirice when she took her pants off. So when do you think an affair really ends?? I tell my H his affair isn't over yet. He won't let her go. They may not have had sex in 6 months (I wouldn't doubt it if they have!!) but he is still emotionally attached to her. I can't even begin to work on my marriage until the affair is over. For the past 6 months he has looked me in the face and continued to lie to me. I'm at the end of my rope and just want out to get rid of her or have the freedom to deal with her on my own terms. Posted on 12/21/07, 08:12 pm |
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Sudzy, I have to admit that I often read your posts or responses about your husband and become very anxious. This man is carrying on an affair right in front of you and almost with your permission. Please, please ask him to leave and get yourself some real help.
Peace, Jax 
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What part of "absolutely no contact" do they not understand?
Not completely sure, but I think my husband seems to have a problem understanding English himself. You may have to put an end to the misery yourself, or you will never heal from this.
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I agree with the above. Your husband has clearly not taken ownership for what he has done. When I get an email from the OW, I forward it to my wife and together we discuss how to respond - usually we ignore it. Trust me, if she knows your seeing every email she sends, she will stop because it takes away all her power. Kudos to your husband for changing jobs but enough is enough. I think you just have to lay the law down - he can either email her from his one bedroom apartment on the other side of town or focus on rebuilding his marriage. Good luck.
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I agree with all the above. If you continue to let him, he will continue to lie and cheat. He need to know you CAN live without him. Be brave. I know it's scarey, but you can do it. Lay down the law!
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I had trouble breaking off contact with my OM, too. My counselor told me it was kind of an emotional addiction. After learning that about myself, and joining a support group at my church, I've had no desire to contact him. I've blocked him from all my e-mail accounts, as well. Now that I'm putting GOD #1 in my life again, he's showing me so much about myself!! In all honesty, I believe THAT'S what was truly missing in my life! Now, that I have my priorities straight, I'm getting myself on the right track!
I would suggest that your husband go to individual counseling to sort out his feelings, and figure out how to LET HER GO once and for all!! If he can't do this, you would be right to tell him to leave, and you should be firm in telling him that. Good luck to you, and happy holidays, too!
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I agree with HITTHEGYM...my husband has turned EVERYTHING over to me and has told me everything so there's no dirty litttle string anyone of the OW can hold over him, there's nothing to tell me because my husband has told me everything. Sorta takes all the fun out of the sleazy hold they alway thought they had. My husband stopped all contact. We did email each one of the OW to tell them to stop any & all contact with us, not just him but us. Your husband has to gather up the will power and STOP ALL contact,face to face, email, snailmail, WHATEVER. Once he does it does get a little better, and it shows he really wants to be with you and the OW was a mistake and he would like nothing better then for her to crawl back under that rock he found her out. GOOD LUCK !!
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Thank you for your responses. As far as the contact I thought and believed each time he told me it was over. I believed each time I asked if he was still in contact with her and he said NO. I thought I had taken control when we called her in Sept. She heard me on the phone telling her to stop and him telling her to stop and that he loved me. She was crying and hung up on us. I told my H to get out then too. Enough lies. He promised to do what HitTheGym says he did, tell me about any contact and we would deal with it together. But she took control back when she started emailing him again and he let her.
I've learned that our spouses can tell us anything they want. They may tell us it's the truth and even swear it is on their children's lives like my H did. BUT, they can still be lying to protect their OP and them selfs. Part of me stays just so she won't win. If I leave she gets what she wants, him. That's why she keeps making contact, to tear us apart. The other part of me stays because he will take away my half of what I have worked and sacrificed for, our land. As far as the marriage, he destroyed any chance at me ever getting over what he has done by continuing his affair but I'm going to do everything I can to make his whore as miserable and to feel as alone as he has made me feel.
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You know, susdzy, there's something else I've learned from this experience. No matter what you do, you cannot get someone else to change. They have to WANT to change for themselves. If you went ahead and followed through with separating from him, he might finally wake up and get serious about NO contact with her. I'm not saying to follow through with a divorce, but you could let him think that. Maybe if he sees that you really mean business, then he would make his own decision about cutting the OW out of his life for good! Just a thought. Good Luck, girl!
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Sudzy,
There will come a point in your life where you just stop what you are doing, take a good look at the situation, and say, you know what? I don't have to take this shit anymore. And you walk through this door and it closes behind you. You have not reached this point - but I think you might be close. You dont' seem to acknowledge (only partically anyway) that your husband takes no responsibility in this. Its all the OW fault in your eyes. If she met him for lunch, sex, whatever...you are saying that SHE met HIM. You forget that HE met HER for the same. You can't talk to someone who won't talk back you to. He responds to her and only encourages it.
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You sound like you are more angry with the other woman than you are your own husband. You need to wake up. The other woman is not your problem. The fact of whether or not she still tries to contact your husband doesn't matter "unless" he takes her up on it and wants to be with her. Then it's your problem because your husband is being unfaithful to you. You need to focus on your husband and stop worrying about the other woman so much. Kick him to the curb if he can't straighten his butt up. It sounds to me like he could be cheating but you could also still be getting over his past cheating and it's very hard to trust them for a while. After all, it's only been 6 months since he "supposedly" cut ties with that woman. Thats hardly enough time for you to get over it all.
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