Infidelity Support Group

hello-from the wife who was cheated on, i can not promise you that she will ever understand where you are coming from. i have a really hard time believing that my husband loves me, because of his actions. he says "i love you and i never loved her, it was just sex i have no feelings for her." but from my standpoint there had to be something there for you to risk losing your entire family for the woman you claim to only have had a physical relationship with. my point is we as woman obviously don't think the same way men do, therefore it is really hard for us to understand the "physical with no emotions thing, because we know most woman don't just have physical affairs we jump in heart first. now i do realize that there are some woman who do just have physical relationships.

you just really need to give her a lot of reassurance, let her know everyday that you love her and how sorry you are. just be there for her.....in every way. good luck.

I am a wife that has been betrayed. We've been married 46 years when he told me a year ago about his affair w/ his secretary, 12- 14 yrs ago. The terrible betrayal of the sex part would have been bad enough, but he really thought he loved her. When I asked him several nights ago, I asked him if and when did he stop loving her. He said he had an emotional love for her until sometime before a year ago. That makes it 13 years of love and you could have blown me over with a feather. I had no idea! That really hurt me even more. I hope you can convince her you are really sorry for the sex part, but you didn't have any real emotional (love)attachment to her. I know how devasting this is to her and I will pray for her. How could you have broken your commitment to her?? for a little sex??
Was it really worth it???

I do believe my H loves me. I believe he loved me when he was with his whore. Showing her you love her is the easy part( its just like courting, when you first met). Earning trust is the hard part. I trust that my H isnt doing anything now because he is so open and can account for every min of everyday. He just has to prove that he will NEVER do this again. I believe when someone really loves thier family and they hurt them so bad and almost lose them, it changes them. Your challenge is showing her your in this for the long-haul. It takes time. Just be honest and patient and of course alot of ass kissing helps. Good luck

You are gutsy as hell asking a bunch of women who are not real happy with their H's for advice. It speaks to your renewed conmitment to your marrige.
You are asking the one question that we all want to hear. I don't think we can answer that one for you. You have to figure out when did you ok this move to have sex with someone that wasn't your wife. I wish you luck you sound like one of the ones who realized what they did wrong, how it's affected not only their marriage, but their spouse.
I don't know if this may help but your wife may feel special again if you try to "woo" her again. Dust off those moves that initially snagged her, update them and try again.

Fortunate,
You are fortunate your wife is allowing you to help her deal with this. it sounds as if you know that.

I have been angry with my husband for just over two years! A long time for anyone to have to deal with an angry wife.

I did not think I could ever feel special again.

But, the other day he did make a good point, when I was feeling sad and he said,

"I have never fought this hard for anyone in my life. I have walked away from friends lovers and relatives who I had far less conflict with. I walked away from the OW. I have not once even threatened to walk away from you."

It's true, he has hung in there and fought like the devil to keep me.

So maybe, if you stick by her as she works out these feelings and you realize that it odes sometimes take years, not months to really recover.

Not just frosting on top of a rancid cake but to REALLY recover.

Tell her, if you mean it, that you will stay and listen and search for answers to her questions until she is satisfied and then again, if need be. That might work.

I would agree with what has already been said, and I was the one who cheated. She needs time to earn your trust, and she needs constant and tangible reassurance that you love her. The only thing that bothers me is the "it was just sex" comment. Affairs are affairs. They really aren't defined on some sort of sliding scale.

Actually there had to be emotions involved for you to want to have sex with another woman other than your wife. Did you find that woman attractive? Did you kiss her? Did you touch her in a sexual way? Those are all done through emotion. You may not have had a true relationship with the other woman to where you got close with her and talked about your personal lives and goals and things like that but you were emotional with her. You put your penis in god knows what on that other womans body. If you don't want to call it using any emotions, well then atleast say you were pretty darn intimate and open with her. Goodness.

Lurioosi -

I agree with you on the "it was just sex" comment. That's simply not true in any case. A person who cheats has gone outside their marriage for a reason. It isn't just sex. They have a need for companionship and attention from another person obviously. There is something deeper going on in the marriage that needs to be fixed.

There is a section in the book Surviving Infidelity that offers advice on showing remorse and renewing committments. You know her best and could try the one that you think would most touch her heart. I would suggest something that's very personal to both of you- like a return trip to where you had your honeymoon, or where you met, or an activity or gift related to a common interest that will draw you closer together.

BTW, it does not help me to hear from my cheating husband "it was just sex, it meant nothing," because it means so very much to me. He knew it would hurt me deeply and that's why he lied and deceived me, yet did it anyway. I think the less you say that, the better.

I agree with most here. YES there was some type of emotion going on here. How could you do something so intimate and not have any freakin EMOTIONS? I so agree with with *FIXATION* about the penis comment. If you could put it anyplace with the OW or even your tongue anyplace with the OW that is all emotions. and you know what the real sad thing is the emotions you have caused your wife. The hurt, the pain the not trusting the devistation I can go on and on...but do I need too...don't you know what you did? Are you not in tune to how your wife feels? Her emotions? I really hope you two make it.