Adultery is generally defined as consensual sexual intercourse by a married person with someone other than his or her lawful spouse. In many jurisdictions, an unmarried person who ...
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Let sleeping dogs lie?
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I have been so consumed lately with the thoughts of my ExH and the OW. It has been 8 months now and I feel like I am back to where I was in the beginning with all of this. My exH never admitted to having an affair, but my intuition told me otherwise. I did get confirmation about the affair via his facebook afterwards. I have not communicated with him for 8 months. I was thinking about sending him an email like this:
"I have seen you and L together on the internet. I know you are in a relationship with her. Why couldn't you have just admitted it to me? Why did you hide the emotional affair (physical I am not sure) you had with her while we were going to counseling? Why couldn't you be truthful to me? You had already hurt me. Knowing about your affair would not have done much more damage. You have betrayed me more than can be imagined." Maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie, but I feel so compelled to let him know how I feel. I invite your comments, please. Posted on 06/26/08, 11:06 am |
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dwi...
Let sleeping dogs lie. The only reason my h told me about his emotional affair with my friend is because he heard she was going to tell me. Cheaters lie. Most ppl in here caught their h. Your intuition is probably right. Mine ALWAYS was.... My h claims nothing physical happened. If it did he wouldn't tell me. It is like trying to believe in Santa Claus as a kid. You want to believe it...but you really don't. My point is that you will only have more questions...not closure. You won't believe what he tells you. My friend is divorced and her h told her in detail and she wished she never asked. 
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You're divorced so you only need to worry about you and if you think it would be closure to tell him how you feel do it. Why shouldn't you get some relief? Be prepared for him to be hurtful and blame you of course but if you expect that it isn't as hard to hear.
Hugs to you!
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Dwight, here's my suggestion:
Write it all out. But change how you're wording things. You want your words to be assertive and claim power for yourself, not ask him for validation. So instead of saying: "Why couldn't you be truthful to me? You had already hurt me. Knowing about your affair would not have done much more damage." say: "You lied and lied when the truth would have done no further harm and could only served to help us. I can't believe you weren't man enough to own up to your own actions." Something like that. Basically, don't ask him questions. Make statements. Tell him how you're feeling. You'll never get the answers you need to hear from him. You might as well just use the opportunity to really tell him what you think. Also, I wouldn't admit that I don't know if the affair was physical or not. Not only doesn't it matter, but it takes the teeth out of what you wrote. Once you're done writing it, you might feel better. Then you'll have to carefully consider whether you're going to send it to him. Honestly, I don't know what to tell you in that regard. The point of this exercise is to get things out of you and down on paper. That alone should help you. Whether you send it or not is up to you.
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