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I want my wife back!
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I've been with my wife for over 8 years and we have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. Our sex life was really great up until the time we had our child. After the first couple of months I had hoped that the sex life would begin to return to 'normal'. Well, 3 1/2 years later and it still hasn't. I love my wife, we get along really well and don't fight except for a couple times as it related to this subject. It really seems like once we had our daughter she became SuperMom and has devoted 98% of her efforts to her and I have become a complete after thought. I have communicated extensively with her about this and we have even gone to a family therapist. We did not discuss sex directly but we discussed that my wife does not put any effort towards making time for us. We did not go for long, but in the last session the therapist said to my wife that she was clearly making the decision to not spend time with me. I think she is 'addicted' to spending time with our daughter but its killing our relationship. We used to have sex nearly every day, which is ideal for me, but now its maybe once a month and always because I initiate. She says that its only temporary and things will get better when our daughter gets older. Still, at 3 1/2 our daughter sleeps in our bed a majority of the time and nothing is changing, its not getting better and I don't want to wakeup 10 years from now in the same nightmare. My wife sometimes looks at me like a neanderthal caveman because I have desire for sex. If I had a nickel for everytime she said to "just take care of it" I'd be rich. I've run the gamut of emotions from sad to furious to defeated. I love my daughter and the last thing in the world I want is a divorce or to be in a situation where I couldn't be with my daughter every day like I am now. Its such an evil situation - stay in a virtual prison with a spouse who no longer wants anything to do with you - or destroy or deeply harm the life and relationship of a defenseless child that you love. I could never bring myself to do that, so I feel like Im facing another 10 years or more of this prison before my daughter could even begin to deal with this very adult situation. I would never have an affair. I never understood why a man or woman coul have an affair, but now I understand. If I could live with myself I would have an affair. Sometimes I wonder if my wife would allow it, so I could "take care of it" while still keeping the family unit together. What can I do?!
Posted on 06/21/08, 01:06 am |
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honey, you HAVE to get that little girl OUT of your bed!!! that's first....
Once she's out of the bed and in her own room there will be so much more time for the 2 of you. 
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I think the wife has some serious issues that need addressing. Is she aware that the marriage is in trouble because of her supermom tactics? Is it not time to get that 3 1/2 year old into her own bed? Why wasn't counseling continued? Don't compound the problem with an affair. Then you'll be as guilty as she is with sabotaging the marriage. I say back to counseling, letting her know the marriage depends on it. Hugs...
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It's heartwarming to get feedback, I greatly appreciate it. As to getting the child out of the bed, short of the Jaws Of Life I don't know what to do. Shes agreed that its not good for us, but she does it anyway. Honestly I feel like I've tried everything to fix that.
I have told her how I feel, she would not be surprised at my feelings if she read my post here. I've begged her to understand that a relationship needs to be nurtured and right now its being starved. I've said it so mych that it has so little effect I feel like shes daring me to file for divorce. She just shrugs and says that I'm not being patient. Counseling wasn't continued because I think the counselor was starting to say things my wife didn't want to hear. Essentialy the counselor said, "you are choosing not to spend time with your husband." I think she wanted to hear, "your husband isn't being patient enough, spending time with your child is most important." I will try to revisit the issue and push for more counseling.
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I agree with the others. You have got to get to counseling and now. I would sit down and tell your wife just how serious this is, if she doesn't already know. And that you can't and don't want to see this as your future. Tell her you do love her and want to be with her, but not like this. This is not a real marriage. Maybe then she'll go to counseling. I know what you mean when you said it feels like a prison and you feel damned if you do and damned if you don't.
But I will tell you this. And many might disagree with me, but oh well. You can't stay in a marriage where only one person is doing all the work. It just simply doesn't work. You're postponing the inevitable. You might say you stay b/c of your daughter. But are you really setting a good example of what marriage should be? Is that the kind of marriage you want your kid to emulate down the line? I'm not for divorce, don't get me wrong. But I don't believe in sacrificing your whole life either for someone that doesn't want to seem to be in the marriage. I have 4 kids, so my seperation and pending divorce was a very hard decision. My husband never wanted to be with me either. But I am so much happier. And the kids are just fine. I would try EVERYTHING before you go to this extreme. Those are just my thoughts. I'm sorry you are in this situation. It just downright sucks. And its not fair. It happens so much to people. Best of wishes to you!
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I'm not the best person to chime in on marriage, my own is on the rocks right now, but it sounds like the first steps need to be talking with your wife calmly about how you feel neglected physically, getting the child into her own bed, and go back to couples counseling. I'm no advocate for divorce either, and I really do not think cheating is a path you want to take either, so I hope and pray for you that you will be able to get back into counseling with your wife. It sounds like she has seperation issues with the child, but that is something I could be 100% wrong about.
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At 3 and a half that kid should be able to sleep in her own room in her own bed...Get her out of your's! You are the dad and yes you do have say..if a fight ensues dont yell just remain calmn and let your wife know how you feel about the whole situation....
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Man I feel for you and know exactly what you are going through. I'm in the exact same situation except our problem is not our child but my wife feeling tired all of the time. All the feelings you described, I could have written (see my post under Confused & Frustrated: NEED HELP!). Everyone told me counseling too but my wife isn't to keen on that idea. I'm like you, an affair is so tempting but I could never do it. I also hate to think about divorce and what it could do to our son or my relationship with him. Hang in there and I agree that somehow you have to get your daughter out of your bed first and then resume counseling. By the way, any good ways to "just take care of it" like your wife says to do? I've certainly heard that before.
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First and foremost!! GET THAT CHILD OUT OF UR BED!!!
That bed is not for the 3 of you it's supposed to be for the 2 of u! I would insist that this had to happen immediately! Do not cheat it's only gonna bring more strife to your marriage. Then, insist that you all start back to counseling immediately also! Sometimes its good for us to hear thing we don't want too!! B/c they're true and we have to figure out how to deal with it!! If she says that she doesn't want to then you tell her that she need to help you find another way to fix ur marriage! Then ask her what she thinks that other way could be. Time isn't going to fix this problem in ur relationship. It's only going to make it worse. Every day that goes by without the both of you makin an effort to fix it is only another day of you all letting the problem compound and letting it get worse! Last but not least if you don't want to divorce ur wife then you need to exhaust every oportunity to fix it!!! But I will tell you that if both of you don't want to fix ur relationship. Then It will REMAIN BROKEN!!! You can not fix it alone no matter how much you want too!
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Get a new therapist and address the sex specificly, becasue that is what the problem is. She may need additional sessions on her own. The 3 1/2 year old sleeping in your bed-that is odd; she may have some issues to work on herself.
Good luck!
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You mentioned that you have told your wife you do not want your daughter in your bed anymore and she does it anyway?
You need to start standing up for yourself a little bit. Its your bed too, you have a say and you can say no! If your child jumps into your bed, pick her up and put her back in her room. Repeat this process calmly and without frustration. She is to learn that no matter how much she kicks and screams, she will sleep in her own bed. You gotta put your foot down.
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