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Frustrated & Confused - NEED HELP!
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I have been married for 20 years but am growing increasingly frustrated with our relationship. There is absolutely no passion or romance in our marriage and my wife is never interested in sex. Over the last several years we have had sex on average about once a month and that was only because I initiated it. I decided I would not initiate it any more but wait for her to but that didn't work. During the last few months when I thought I couldn't stand it any more I tried to initiate it and she just took my hands off of her and rolled over.
When we do have sex it is purely a physical thing, there is no feeling of intimacy between us at all. It's almost as it she is saying, "ok, do what you have to do so we can get this over with". And it is always one position and done. I have tried different positions, heck I even tried talking dirty to her but she reacted like I was a filthy bum or something. It's not only the sex. I cannot remember the last time we had a passionate kiss or embrace. It's been several years. We don't even say "I love you" to each other and to be honest with you, I'm not sure I can now. I have tried to take her on dates and do other romantic things but it doesn't seem to work. I definitely know there is no one else because she is too conservative plus I would certainly know about it. And I haven't let myself go physically, I work out almost everyday and enven though I am 46, most people tell me I look like I'm in my early 30's. I am one that definitely needs passion and romance. I crave a passionate kiss or sitting under the stars or watching a movie on the couch together but she doesn't seem to be interested. I did talk to her about this several months ago and she did change for about 2 weeks and then things went back to normal. It's interesting in that the rest of our relationship is fine. We do not fight, we share the work around the house, don't argue about money, etc. but as I said there is absolutely no passion or romance. It is like we are living together to run the household but that is it. What makes this worse is that I was (for lack of a better word) propositioned recently by another woman that I know. Now I am very faithful and would never want to cheat on my wife but you have no idea how hard that was to refuse her. The problem is, it is so tempting and I see her most days. I have had fleeting thoughts of a divorce but to be honest with you, I would hate to put myself in the position of not seeing my 6 year old son everyday. We are best buddies and that would hurt both of us. I'm almost resigned to stick it out for him but I am really unfullfilled and feel that I have alot to give the right woman. Posted on 06/12/08, 09:06 pm |
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how long have you been on DS? if you don't nid me asking 
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omg, i am so sorry. let me tell you, a man has needs and if a woman refuses to make love to her husband i think that's abusive. it has gone on too long. obviously she doesn't care if she hasn't went for help to up her desire. there is help out there. it makes me so mad when i hear stories like this. i would die if my husband stopped looking at me "that" way.
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You both need to get into counseling. If your wife won't go, go by yourself to gain some perspective on how to approach her properly with the idea. Your marriage is off the track, and you can't get it back on track with dirty talk, or new sexual positions. Get someone good and work with him or her to save your marriage. Good luck.
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you know what, after thinking about it, she's pissed about something. get her into counseling. go first to show her you are giving it a go but she is royally unhappy about something and it's something about you. a good counselor is the only thing that will open any of this up. unless you are sick of the neglect and move on. seriously, give some thought to your six year old and what is right for him. good luck. be prepared to hear some stuff you really never thought about.
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you know what, after thinking about it, she's pissed about something. get her into counseling. go first to show her you are giving it a go but she is royally unhappy about something and it's something about you. a good counselor is the only thing that will open any of this up. unless you are sick of the neglect and move on. seriously, give some thought to your six year old and what is right for him. good luck. be prepared to hear some stuff you really never thought about.
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I agree with everyone else. Counseling 100%. Alot of what you said hit home with me. Just the other way around. My soon to be ex husband and I would go months w/o sex. And if we did have it, I was initiating it. He never wanted to be with me. We even went over 3 years without kissing. We ended up sleeping apart for almost 3 years too.
But somethings definitely going on with her. I can't say since I don't know her. But just try counseling. Know you are NOT alone. Many have gone through the exact same thing. And hang in there. This marriage is not lost just yet!
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brandyg...I have been on DS about 2 weeks. I joined for 2 reasons: to get advice on this matter and to join in the fitness discussions.
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nadiasmom....she's not pissed, I asked that, plus we tell each otehr if we are. I think itis 2 things: 1) sex and intimacy are not a priority for her and 2) it's something physical as well, she's always complaining of being tired. She works 3 days a week so it's not because she is putting in massive hours at work. I told her to get help but she won't do anything.
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ok then, the only thing to do for bland is spice it up. book a trip for just the two of you to cancun or something. not one of those old people all inclusive types. a real sexy getaway. give her an envelope with some cash and tell her to buy some sexy clothes for the trip and that is all that money is to be used for. you need to spice it up love! gotta get that groove back. stay a week or longer. gotta give it time to really heat up. this is to save your marriage. it would cost alot to get a divorce. use that money to get away. or just take her some place she has always wanted to go. i tell you what, if i was having issues with my husband in this way and he booked a flight to london for a week, i'd be down on him right there!
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nadiasmom - "I'd be down on him right there". lol, very funny! If I was in that situation I'd be broke because I'd be booking trips every week! Actually, I did something like that once, booked a trip and gave her a gift card to Victoria's Secret. She came home with non-sexy underwear (didn't know you could buy anything non-sexy at VS)and she enjoyed getting away but there was very little in the way of sex or intimacy on the trip. By the way, she'd never go down on me, too conservative. I have done that to her a few times but anymore she pulls me away because she thinks it is dirty and unnatural. It just seems like we have grown apart, she acts 15 years older than she is and I have the energy to act 15 years younger than I am. I'll keep trying to work through it.
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