No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individua...
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Do I throw in the towel?
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Ok so last night my husband (of 2 years) and I got into a huge arguement. It all started with me asking if he would go to the store and he quickly replied no he had to do some other things and then continued on sitting down and watching tv. I got upset and told him that he better get his "things" done if he can't go with me, and he freaked out literally, he stood up and grabed my phone and shattered it, he then called me every name in the book and continued saying that all I do is nag and I never give him a break. Well to back up for a minute on this and to explain how he is...we were married in september of '06 - he is the youngest and only boy of a wealthy family, because of that he never had any responsibility, failed out of 2 colleges and never had to worry about money or bills or a job, he worked for his dad and his farming business. So when we got married I already had my college degree and had a full time job, he was unemployeed for 6 months of our marriage and I moved 3 hours away from my family and friends to be with him and move over into his "comfort zone" and also get a job that is an hour away because it pays what we need to make it in the house that his parents built and expect us to make the payments, I mean ME make the payments and their son relax and only work parttime. He does not help around the house, all he has time for is hunting and racing and well since we've been married for 2 years he has taken me for granted and lost that "romantic spark" that he once had. I dont know what to do anymore...
so back to last night one thing led to another and he has a tendency to act immature and when we argue he ignores me and will cross his arms and look up to the ceiling when I ask a question. SO I asked him if we were done with our marriage and he just continued to look up to the ceiling so I did a dumb thing and grab a kitchen knife and act like I was going to slit my wrist to get his attention. He in returne took it out of my hand and called the cops and said that I was suicidal. Now that he made me feel so embarassed by this when he could of acted mature and just talked I had to talk to a cop on how im not going to kill myself and so on and so on.....well we finally get over that and talk our way through some things and today when I get home from work thinking things were going to be different he does nothing but blame me for misplacing his things, etc. and continues to call me a bitch and he doesnt ever have to f#^#%! tell me anything... so i am at a loss...I have lost touch with all my friends, and the friends I do have live an hour away where I work, we live in a small town where there aren't anyone our age and im reaching out for help in what to do... Posted on 07/22/08, 09:07 pm |
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two years into the marriage and you have these issues. As well, on your own. Thinking aloud here and putting on paper, if you grab something and project like you're going to do something to harm yourself, would you have to do soemthing to harm yourself to really get his attention?
being 23 and married, is a tough stretch. And, if you'er already having problems, they're fixable, but only if the two of you want it. It sounds like there's going to be more hectic times ahead unless you do something about it. Would you rather stay for the sake of staying with things as they are, or try and get some help professionally for the two of you to get to a spot where you want to invest your entire adult life with someone you're having problems with two years into the marriage. Also, not sure if you have kids it doesn't sound like it. Do you want to think about starting a family when the two of you don't see eye to eye at this moment on who does what and who contributes what to a marriage? Even any relationship is both give and take, but equally. there's a book by Dr. Hartley called His needs, her needs. It could help you out at this early stage of your marriage. Also, you need to talk to him so he knows you weren't going to hurt yourself, and that it was a foolish attempt to get his attention. Much going on here. I personally had a tough time thinking if I was able to offer something, but I can see this is far from healthy. Hope it all works out for you. 
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Wow Im sorry but ur husband has some serious issues and in the end they just become ur issues.
You said that you asked him if the marriage was over?? If this was a random argument that had just occured I dont think you would have had that state of mine, so that kind of tells me you guys have argued like this before???? If so, if you were ready to ask him that out loud. There are some serious problems. You guys need councelling. You need to be able to voice your problems in a way that doesnt make him think ur nuts and he needs to stop acting like a baby and listen to you. You guys need better communication because the lack there of could really do it for you guys and everyone wants to their marriage to work. But if this honestly happens all the time, even TOO often, you need to deeply consider your future. If you wanna have kids, do you want it to be with someone who acts like one??? He needs to learn some responsibilites and you need to tell him that. You cant be the only one paying for both of your stuff. A relationship isnt one sided, it cant work that way. Anyway I dont know if any of that helped but I hope you guys can work through this. I honestly suggest going to see a couples therapist or SOMEONE. Because this is also too early in the marriage for stuff like this. Its ridonculous I tells you!!! Hope it works out, let us know!
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It sounds like you are bending over backwards to accommodate him and he isn't willing to compromise at all for you. That is selfish or him and unfair. YOU ARE NOT HIS DOORMAT! He should be treating you like a princess.
I was in an abusive relationship and did not see the red flags. I see some in your story. The fact that you feel isolated from family and friends is highly concerning. That is often one of the initial things they do when abusing someone emotionally or physically. It is normal and healthy for both of you to spend time with friends and family- if that is not happening because he has made you move far away and whatnot, keep that in the back of your head. He wants to feel needed, he wants control and power. One way to do that is by distancing you from others. Another thing I found alarming was his temper. Shattering your phone because of an argument about going to the store? NOT okay!!! The way he fought with you was unfair- he refused to communicate and listen and ignored you on purpose. NOT okay!!! He purposely made you feel badly about yourself. NOT OKAY!!! He needs to get a hold of that temper before he flies off the handle and breaks you instead of an object. And he needs to learn how to communicate effectively with you, even if he disagrees. I would highly recommend counseling for you two. My guess is this isn't the first time you two have fought like this (hopefully the first and last time the cops are called). Work on communication and remember the warning signs. You are in my thoughts.
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It sounds like we are having almost the same exact issues with our husbands. My husband works full time outside the home, but when he is home, he totally neglects me. He shows our son some attention, but when it comes to helping me through the difficult times with our son..teething, bedtime, etc....he is useless to me. He feels totally justified in not helping bc he works...he does not realize that I work a full time job taking care of our son & on top of that work from home 10-20 hours a week & am taking interent courses to finish my BS degree. He also expects me to keep up on the housework, and I have to hear him rant if I don't. I have practically begged him to pay attention to me, to spend time with ur family, but it is like pulling teeth. He also throws "fits" threatening to break things etc. I am at the end of my rope with him. I never believed in divorce, but if it wasn't for our son, I would throw in the towel on our toxic relationship. Best of luck to you!
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"...he has a tendency to act immature..."
No, actually, he's just immature, period. Suggest counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself; talk things out. Get a fresh, objective perspective. But if he won't even be bothered with acknowledging there's a serious problem, I'd have to say: leave. A marriage will only function when both people work at it. Right now you're shouldering the burden. You've been isolated from friends & family,as well as verbally and emotionally abused. You have to wonder if you'd be better with him or without. Remember: It's better to be alone than wish you were.
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Hey Everyone I just wanted to give a quick update...first off thank you ALL so much for your advice, its so nice to hear from people "outside" from family!!
Well I got on the horn and got us into a marriage counselor tonight, it went really well, we just went over the basics today and talked about our up brining and families background, long story short..the therapist ask my husband if he ever thought about seeing a psychritrist and he replied very strongly "I DONT NEED ONE" so he is obviously still in denial, and with this I was speaking with his sister and she said he has been like this all his life, and with so many more details I could share with you i'll just say this...I think im married to man that is bipolar and wont admit to needing help. So this is alot tougher then I thought and I have alot of patience and work cut out for me/us. Last night he was a bear to me, he hated me... Tonight he was a sweetheart... Tomorrow..well I can almost gaurentee something will get him mad... ugh...up hill battle!! Thank you all again for your advice!!!
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while trying to take care of him/yous ... dont forget to take care of YOU first ...
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he sounds like spoiled brat or s they call them pamperd poodles.... But no one cn tell you to toss the towel or not that is someting onlu you cn do.
Not matter what you choic I hope it turns out for the best...
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Hello,
My feeling is that you need to think about what is best for you. This sounds like an immature man who does not show respect for you, and, to be honest, I think you deserve better. You're isolated from the support of your friends and family, and I have some concern that your husband is emotionally abusive. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, I just wanted to offer my concern. I hope you get whatever is best for you in the end!
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take it from me, being the doormat, slave, or anything of the subserveint nature sucks, and is noway to live. I did it for 15 yrs. It took its toll on me in ways I am just beginging to understand. She asked for the divorce because I lied to her about looking at some women on youtube, I was scared to cross her. I fought the idea of divorce for 2 weeks, suddenly letting the idea sink in has opened me up to a peace that I thought never exsisted. I am dreaming about my future, and it is exciting. Good luck
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