Healthy Relationships Support Group

Hello everyone, I have been married since December 2005. I have 2 children (boy 17 years and daughter 8 years) from a previous relationship and we have a 20 month old together. My DH says I have changed alot and he is right I have. I have alot of hurt and resentment towards him and he can't or doesn't want to understand why I feel this way. He USED to treat me with love and respect up until 6 weeks after we married then it changed. He started going out with his friends every weekend leaving me home (I was about 4 months pregnant) and it didn't matter to him that I wanted to spend time with him. There were times I was crying begging him to stay with me and he still walked out the door. There was one time we went to an early dinner and I wanted to go to the show but he said no. I was so upset because he took me home and went out with the guys. He did that to me many times. He doesn't go out as much now as he did in the begining of our marriage. He was going out 2 times a month now he said he will go out once a month. I don't completely believe him eyt. Another problem is his family, I should mention he is from Bolivia and has been in this country for 8 years, they know how to speak English but when we went to visit they including my husband would talk alot of Spanish in front of me knowing I didn't know the Laungue. Then they would say I was unsociable but I wasn't. October of 2006 we went to visit his mother. At the table was the mother, sister, my husband and the baby and I. After sitting there for awhile listening to them talk Spanish and I did ask a couple of times what they were talking about so I could join in I excused myself an took the baby into the livingroom. I could hear them talking and at one point they all got up and went down stairs after 1 1/2 hours my hubby come into the livingroom and asked if I was ready to go. I replied "Oh, you remembered I was here" he goes "don't start" then his mother came in and asked what was wrong. In a pleasant voice I told her I felt disrespected and not acknowledge while I was there. She said that was not true. I reminded her I don't understand Spanish and why can't both language be used so I can be part of the conversation. Then his sister walked in and started with me saying we aren't going to change our language for you and I told her that is not what I am asking. She said "You need to learn Spanish" I'm asking for both to be spoken so I can be part of the conversation. She said to me "to bad for you" over and over in a very mean tone. I started talking again but in a higher voice (not yelling) and she yelled at me "I am older then you and you need to respect me and until you apologize not talk to me and out the door she went. (I'm was 34 and she was 36). My husband didn't talk to me all the way home and the next morning when he got up for work he still wouldn't talk to me. Then finally he told me he wasn't going to bother with me until I apologized to his sister. I was so mad and hurt by his demand. But I did lower myself and go to her to her home. She told me that the baby was a mistake to have, I was lazy, a snob and didn't like to work ( my husband and I deceided I was going to stay home with the baby) and I married her brother for money. My husband was living with his mother and the only thing he owned was a mini van. When I saw my husband later on, I told him what she had said about the baby and his response was " she thinks all kids are mistakes including hers". She verbally attacked me and he does nothing about it. He has never stuck up for me when it comes to them and it really hurts me. I am not welcomed there anymore but his brothers girlfriend who told them literally to f@*k off is still welcomed there. There is so much more when it comes to them. He told me the other day "they were my family before I met you and there still my family" and I said "because right'm not blood your going to treat me like this, you choose me as your wife,you made a commitment to me to our marriage". Recently on a Sunday he was still in bed at noon time and said we would have a nice lunch together then came a phone call. When he hung up I told him I was starting lunch and he said he had to go to Boston right now. I asked for what? He said his mom called and he needs to pick up his nephew (the sister's kid) at the airport. I said why isn't your sister getting him? He said because they were fighting. I said "What about your brother, mother?" Brother was picking up girlfriend and his mother I guess didn't want to drive. I reminded him we had plans and he should have told her "No, I have plans with my wife". But when I asked him to give my daughter a ride he said "no,that's not my kid". Another Sunday afternoon while still in bed, I asked him if he was planning on getting up and he said no,why? Again the phone rings and when he hung up he says I have to go to my mothers. My sister called and there is something wrong with my brother. I said what? He is crying and he won't talk. He was out the door and came home over 3 hours later. His brother never said he was upset. Some of you my think I am being selfish because I was mad for him leaving but I'm not. He always seems to have time and be there for them but not me. We were married by the JP in 2005 and in 2006 we had a big wedding. His brother was to be the bestman but changed his mind at the last minute and didn't even come to the wedding. His sister didn't come either but her son wanted to and she woulndn't let him. The mother only came to show "good face" because her friends were coming. She looked out the window while we were introduced, cutting the cake and our first dance. When I walked into the restroom she was there and turned her back to me and walked out. Another thing her did to me was when the baby was first born my hubby, his brother, sister and I went to the fishing and while he and his siblings were fishing she told me how he and his ex wife used to take showers together everyday and even told me the nic-names they called each other. Every weekend he plays soccer with his friends but we don't have anything special between us. nothing to look forward to. It hurts me alot that he makes plans with his friends or plans to visit his mother but doesn't make plans for us. One Friday night he came home from work 1 1/2 hours early and I was so excited because I thought we were actually going to spend time together. Nope, he told me he was going out. My heart dropped. He got out of work early not to spend time with me but with his friends. He was showered and gone within 20 minutes. Mined you our baby was sick and he knew that but instead of staying home with me and the baby he left. If we do go out it is to the show and home. I asked him why does he spend more time with the guys then me? He replied "because they speak my language with you I have to think twice as hard before talking". Why do I have to ask him to spend time with me? Isn't that something married couples do? I say I am "married without a husband" We hardly ever do anything with the kids. He doesn't pay to much attention to my two children were before he did things with them and had conversation with them. Oh another thing he said to me recently is " It is not normal for Spanish people to have step children". I can't figured him out. I started working outside the home last week and I told him I would need help around the house because I can't handle all the cooking, laundry, errands and everything else. I told him the biggest help for me would to cook one meal a day an to pick up what ever mess him and the baby made while I was gone. He said he would keep the kitchen,livingroom and diningroom clean. Still waiting for that to happen. I came home to find dishes in the sink and cracker crumbs all over the livingroom floor. When it comes to cooking he said no because if he does it once then I am going to expect it all the time. What's wrong for expecting something from him. He expects me to cook everyday, do the laundry, the errands, pay the bills, etc. He works from 5:00 pm to 1:30 am. He thinks his only job is to bring home the money. I am so exhausted. I start my day at 7:00 am and usually don't go to bed until midnight-1:oo am. Besides working part time out of the home I am a distributor for a candle company trying to build my business, sell clothes on ebay ontop of raising three children and taking care of a home. My kids do help me by watching the baby while I get things done. He is a very very active youngster. I am losing my desire to be a wife. I am very depressed, I have gained 20 1/4 I eat to make me feel better. I even eat when I full I force it down. I started buying things that I don't really need to also make me feel better. I just feel alone. I have talked to him many times but nothing has really changed. I just want this hurt, lonely feeling to go away. I wan to know why he treats me this way. I hardly go out with my friends, I try to keep up with all my responsibility but it is overwhelming at times. Another excuse he gave me about helping me out is " If the kids don't help either am I". My husband likes to drink and gets very, very mean when drunk. They (mother and sister) told me back in July of 06 to tell him to choose between his friends and me and when I did 3 months later they accused me of trying to control him and be his owner. That is another reason why they don't like me. Even to this day they think that. My husband told me I am stupid for letting all these things bother me from over the last 2 years. I don't feel I am stupid, I am still hurting for wht he/they did and said. If he would have stuck up for me to them and really meant his many sorry's maybe I would feel different. Then it was because I have two kids and wasn't working but like I said we decided that I was going to stay home for awhile. Now I'm back to work. I am not ready to give up on my marriage yet but I don't know how to get rid of these negative feelings nor do I know how to help him understand what marriage means and why I am still hurting after all this time. Thank you for reading my long post.
Posted on 05/01/08, 05:05 pm