No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individua...
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Dating and Sex
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I posted also in the Anxiety Support Group, but thought perhaps someone might have some thoughts here, too...
So, the definition of insanity is making the same mistake over and over again expecting different results, right? Well, then, why do I continue to make the same mistake over and over!? The worst part is being aware of the mistake.. and yet STILL not doing anything about it to change the behavior! It's like watching yourself fall down stairs. Well, the mistake in question is as follows: I'm at a stage in my life that I'm dating again after having had only two very serious long-term relationships. As someone who enjoys being with a partner but also has severe anxiety when it comes to dating, I often feel like dating is probably the hardest thing ever for me to deal with. So the problem is that when I like a guy, I end up sleeping with him WAY earlier then I think I should... like on the second date. A couple times even on the 1st date.. Then the next day, I end up completely freaking out about it and becoming an utter mess. I know that many woman know this feeling, where you've sort of put yourself in a "vulnerable" place. Allowing things to move too quickly, not "playing the game," etc. Normally, I'm a very confident woman. I also enjoy intimacy. I always feel very comfortable and ok with being physical in the moment and am ok with moving forward sexually (and of course it never seems to be a problem for the guy!).. But then by the end of the next day after the date, I start feeling extremely anxious and nervous and rather crappy about myself. I'm not really sure how to handle this.. Recently, I've just completely broken things off the with the guy in question even if things are going well, even if he's still really interested, etc.. (This has happened three times with people who may have actually been col guys, if I had allowed things to progress a bit more slowly, maybe. So, I don't want this to continue on as a pattern for me and I guess I want to know, should I try really hard to NOT engage in physical intimacy even when it feels right in the moment, knowing that in 12 hours, I'll feel really crappy? Or should I allow myself to be intimate and figure out how to better handle the subsequent emtotional turmoil that's going to come next? I guess I need help with either option.. I feel at a loss on both counts. Perhaps, I should just throw in the towel and forget this whole dating thing altogether!! Posted on 07/02/08, 07:07 pm |
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I would say it all depends on why you are dating.If you just need to keep it low keyed and safe you can do that .But remember you are a healthy adult female that has probably been neglected .Sex can be on a need basis to.Now if you are waiting for long term relationship and think you should hold out or you seem to easy well forget that.If you are a tramp your a tramp if your a lady your a lady.Its whatever way you want it to be.If the guy is for you he is for you.Enjoy yourself.F&^%%^^&^^% his brains out.You deserve it. 
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Well, I think that one reason that I tend to get physical quickly is because in the moment I feel cared for an loved.. and of course there's the sort of Euphoria that sex provides.. But then the next day, the endorphins settle and I start analyzing everything. I think wow, I barely know that person that I shared so much with, can I trust him? Is he going to take me for granted? Did I do or say the right thing? I start panicing and stressing and start getting really low self-esteem.. it feels horrible. I don't think I'm a tramp.. or a lady.. it think I'm just kinda me. I like intimacy.. but know that perhaps I just need to be patient and wait for it to build in more slow and deliacte way.. instead of rushing it and then having it sort of crash down the next day when I realize it's not real.
thanks for your advice and support,flybynight! :)
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This guy grapples with this too.
I guess we feel guilty because, deep down, we know we're a "slut". And, for a woman, I'm sure those feelings are magnified. But, hey, we're all human animals and we shouldn't feel guilty about getting together with someone we find attractive and acting on those impulses. TALK about all this with the guy. Trust...well, you can't really trust anybody, until you know you can (does that make sense). You just gotta roll the dice and keep one eye on them (as you focus on your own euphoria) for clues as to whether they're really trustworthy. You're too wrapped up in yourself. Look outside the box...
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Yup.. I think I'll talk with said guy the next time I see him. I think he'll understand.. I do get really wrapped up in my own head!! I do need to let it go sometimes.. But not sure how.
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