This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for t...
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STOP WITH THE JUDGEMENT! - Have a heart, please!
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This is an open letter to all grandmothers here who are caring for the children of a mother who has been judged unfit.
I have read some rather shocking posts where the biological mothers have been slammed, and discussed as though they are nothing but worthless trash. In one post a mother who was clean for a month was keen to see her daughter, and the general consensus was not to let her! I couldn't believe my eyes when I read the comment "she's made her bed, let her lie in it!" What a NASTY, CRUEL, utterly judgemental and repugnant thing to say! This woman is clearly hurting. She is missing here children, and she is making an effort (whatever you all might think) to correct her life in order to be the mother she knows she needs to be! Clearly this mother LOVES her child! And a child's love for it's mother is almost always unconditional. Clearly there is a fair bit of coaching going on in some cases, and it seems some of you are crying victim, playing out a matyr role, 'rescuing' poor neglected grandchildren from their selfish, inadequate mothers, who it seems you just wish would go away and never come back! This place reeks of hidden agendas, and it seems some of you are filling voids in your own lives, using your grandchildren to feel less empty, but at what cost? None of you should be attempting to come between mother and child. If you are not supportive and kind toward the mothers of these children when they are trying to sort their lives out and right their wrongs, to be the mothers they already are, then your heart is in the wrong place and you need to take a good hard look at yourselves, and why you're doing this. The best place for a child is in a home with his/her parent or parents, provided it is safe and loving. Your role is to try your very best to support the parent in providing this. To offer encouragement, respite from caring for children while she gets on her feet, and then give 100 percent support to reuniting children with parents, and overseeing the situation to ensure that the home environment remains safe for the child, and that the mother herself has the help she needs as well as the child. Happy mother = happy child. Your role is not to condemn the mother, steal her child, push her away when she tries to make amends and fix what's wrong so that she can raise her child herself. It is very, very wrong for any of you to pass judgement and to see yourself as above the child's parent. You are not better than the child's mother. If you are not doing your best to help the mother, then you are not doing your best to help the child, and it would seem that your are meeting selfish needs of your own rather than those of mother or child. Having said all of that, it's right to put the safety of the child first no matter what, and to err on the side of caution if there is any question of drugs being involved, or of the home environment being unsafe. But there are ways you can do this without closing the door on the mother and dismissing her as unfit due to past mistakes. There is SUPERVISED VISITATION through CONTACT CENTRES, and child safety officers would be able to provide information on these free services. You could invite the mother to stay for a while, so that you could unobtrusively observe her parenting skills and watch for any sign of drug use. But you should not be waving your finger in her face and telling her that she's a bad mother, or berating her for an addiction she may have to substances! People usually only ever become addicted to drugs or alcohol because they are masking pain. These people are hurting, and they are dealing with pain inappropriately through substances. They do not need your harsh judgement and condemnation, because you do not know what has led them to this point. It's unlikely that any mother made a conscious decision to develop an addiction, or would choose not to put her child first. If a mother does not seek help, and makes no attempt to become clean for the sake of her child, by all means fire away with the judgement and nasty comments. But for Godsake, give her a break! Have a heart, if she is trying her best, and clearly loves her child! Sure your role is valuable, and you're probably doing a great job with little Sarah or Jason, but there is no substitute for the love of a mother. It's never a good idea to put the mother down in the presence of the child, or to make an enemy of the mother. If nothing else remember one thing: The child comes first! Your needs to be wanted and needed and called "mum" do not. For those of you who are genuinely doing the right thing and respectful of the role of the biological parents, and the best interest of the children, I congratulate you. My hat off to you for what you are doing. I'm sorry if I have stepped on toes. It's just that when I saw the comment "she's made her bed, let her lie in it.." I saw red. Peace. Posted on 09/29/08, 03:09 am |
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First of all, I'm the grandmother who made the remark that made you see red. Secondly, don't come here blasting the wonderful families who are raising their grandchildren because the parents ARE UNFIT! We have done everything in our power to help our adult children. They are the ones who have made bad choices and we are the ones picking up the pieces of their childrens' lives. I for tone have never, ever bad mouthed my daughter to her son and never will. He knows his mother is sick. As children become older they figure out what is going on. You're right, there is no substitute for the love of a mother however; these mothers need to get their lives together and be a damn mother then. So before you pass judgement, make sure you know the circumstances that surround the lives of these children. We certainly don't need someone sticking their nose in that doesn't know the situations. We are all here to help support each other. Obviously, you had nothing better to do than to bash the wonderful people here! 
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Fairygodmother:
Do you realize that we are mothers....with untold love for our daughters - and most have moved heaven and earth and done everything within our power to support and help these women who because to their pain are locked in cycles of addiction or abuse. The last agenda in my book is raising another child....but there comes a day when the safety of the grandchild has to come first...and in our pain and distress we sometimes vent about these daughters for whom we have poured out support and love, and continue to love because we are frail humans who reach breaking points as we deal with our child's addictions, and their children's issues, and all we desire is health for both generations. This is a venue where we can speak with others of our age and others who understand the years, yes, years of working through this pain....I have been dealing with my daughter's addictions for 12 years - through rehab attempts, hospitalizations, good months and bad months, through court ordered "supervised" visitations for which she never showed and on and on.....until the day finally came when against all our hopes and dreams we began raising a grandchild. Please have some compassion for the pain and agony grandmothers live with daily.... and may you never know such agony.
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You have no clue what we have done for our daughters to get them to realize the importance of being a fit parent and make good decisions....we have been through hell and back trying to get them to grow up and take responsibility for their children...you say " don't judge"...yet that is exactly what you are doing to us....you have no clue about our situations and what WE have had to endure and put up with...how dare you come in here and blast us...this is a support site...we support each other from what we are going through...do you honestly think that as grandparents we want to start raising children all over again??? seriously give your head a shake...you have no clue what we as grandparents have had to sacrafice for our grandchildren because our own kids don't get it and keep screwing up and thinking of themselves rather than putting their own child first...someone has to protect the child.
Most of us try and try over and over again to keep helping our kids to do the right thing....and they keep screwing up...what about when these children grow up and see what awful decisions their parents made....who is to protect these children from the selfishness and irresponsibility?? WE DO!!! We have no control over what our adult children do...but when an innocent child is being neglected do we just sit back? How many chances are we suppose to give our adult children? That's not our job any longer....if they decide to keep making bad decisions then they DO NOT deserve to be parents...being a parent is not easy...do you think starting all over again as a grandparent is easy?? You do NOT know the circumstances behind every situation here and you have NO right to put your worthless 2 cents where it doesn't belong....this is a support group....not a place for you to come in here and JUDGE. You got some nerve...you do NOT know what we have had to deal with...so unless you have walked a mile in our shoes I suggest you take your JUDGEMENTS of us and shove it!!
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First of all there is no way you could understand with you NOT being a Grand parent.
"If" you have children you know the love you feel for them, think about doubling that love.Then to watch as years go by the mom/dad use drugs beat on the children take them to meth homes live in nasty homes etc...... Then to fianlly get the child out of that home in a safe clean home to have the parents get off hte drugs for a month or two (but use everything under the sun to still get high, except for the meth) None of us are speaking from a few days of going through this, we are speaking of years. Most of us had high hopes for these parents when we first received the children,but the high hopes turned into reality! And I can tell you right now the 200 thousand that we have spent,plus "OUR" time is gone. I went from helping mom raise my siblings to getting married young and starting a family. All I ever wanted was 2 children. Did that raised them. Beleive me I never wanted to start over. I was totally enjoying my husband and I traveling and just spending time together. I have not heard one person on here speak as if that is all they wanted is to raise another child and find there self strapped for money and not having the time with there husband etc.... You almost sound like you have had your kids taken away for something??????????? Now that is a thought!!!! Maybe you don't understand what a "Support Group" really is. Maybe you don't understand since you are NOT a Grand Parent you don't belong here! Maybe you don't understand hat these kids have been through in there life! Maybe you don't understand as a officer of the court I see this all the time, horrid parents!!!!! Or maybe you are just plan stupid! I know of no one that has put the "MUM" down in front of the child. At all cost only positive things are said.It is just to bad the "MUM"S" don't do the same thing. Most of these cases the mom has never connected with the child ...in reguards to nothing like a moms love. In adding this comment I Jade was a nice as I could be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Fairygodmother:
I want to first let you know that I agree with every one's response here but I have a question for you. You state on your profile that you have had many ups and downs in your life and that you finally got your life in order and that is great. We all wish that for our children so they can be reunited with their children. You of all people should now that this takes a lot of dedication and sacrifice. Instead of coming here and bashing us for loving, protecting and nurturing our grandchildren why don't you use this group to tell us what you did to get your life back in order for your children. What was the defining moment in your life that made you want to be a more "positive" person? How long did it take you... weeks... months... or years? Who was there for you when you were at rock bottom? Where were your children during this time? I sure hope they had a loving and caring grandparent to go to instead of being left to the state to raise. Because you know what... that is where these children would be if we had not stepped in the raise them! Would you want your child growing up in Foster Care? Is that the preferred route you would take? Do you realize that if the children were in Foster Care then parental rights could be permanently removed? By us taking in our grandchild we are keeping the family together and no one here has close their door from their child seeing their parent as long as the parent is free of drugs and mentally stable! As for filling a void in our life... you have got to be kidding! My husband is nearly 69 years old. Do you think when you are at that age you would wake up one morning and think... jeez... I think I want to raise a kid again.........not! We finally had our children raised and our time was our own to do what we wanted. But, we were not going to let her baby go into the Foster Care System and that is where he was going if we did not step in and dedicate our time and our love to him. So, like I said, we don't need your uneducated judgement of us but we could use your stories/struggles and what it took to get your life back on track so we may better help our children and be able to someday reunite them with their children.
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By the way, we do have a heart... and it bleeds for our CHILDREN and our GRANDCHILDREN!
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There is a substitute for the neglect of a mother. There is a substitute for the mother who loves herself more than her children.
There is no substitute for a grandmother who takes in her neglected grandchildren and nurtures them back to physical and emotional health. Many come with problems because the mother was on drugs while pregnant. Many are born with fetal alcohol syndrome. Many, too many, suffer attachment disorder because they have been thrown away by their mothers. Even an animal will fight to take care of its young. They will starve themselves to feed their little ones. It is extraordinarily sad that humans do not do the same! Power of positive thinking came around in the 70's. Yes, it can help a person who embraces it. But these mothers are not. If you don't think we grandmothers are not thinking positively, than wake up little lady! When the police bring the grandchildren to your door at 3am after taking them out of their home because their parents are more interested in drugs than the kids, you take them in and you love them, you meet their needs and you try to give them back the childhood that was stolen from them be their beloved mothers! If your life is so positive, what are you doing on here critizing people you do not know? Is that what makes you feel jolly? Kudos to all the grandmothers who have answered.
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well spoken Mawbear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I could not say it better then my fellow Grandmothers have. This post doesn't even justify a response! I think this may possibly be a troll.
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I agree sunni....she doesn't even belong in this group she's not a grandmother going through what we are...she knows SQUAT about this topic...I think this woman is sick and looking to take her anger out on someone...perhaps she lost custody of her own child due to her problems....but that's not our fault...that hers....it's sad but people giving their 2 cents where it doesn't belong will always happen....however...this is not the place to do it...if she persists on abusing us in this group I will report her to DS...she has only been a member for one day and has spent a total of 30 minutes going through posts and makes a comment that this place reeks of hidden agendas....how can anyone make a common sense assessment after only spending 30 minutes reviewing posts....this woman has serious issues she needs to discuss with a mental health professional....and she needs to learn to butt out and quit giving her opinion when she has no clue what she is talking about. Actually I feel quite sad for her child if this is the type of person she is...definitely no type of role model....judging people before walking a mile in their shoes....she has no heart...because if she did she would not be the one judging what she knows NOTHING about.
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